Monday, May 6, 2013

Random Thoughts, March 2013

You know what I love about 2013? No “End of the World” talk.

There is no single myth more persistent than the unwavering belief that things are getting worse, and yet no one would rather be living in the past if they knew what it was like.

My ultimate fear is a debilitating brain injury. If I became severely mentally impaired, I would rather end it than keep going. I mean... even if I was just dumb enough to vote Republican, I’d rather die.

Black people aren’t immune to being racist anymore than they’re immune to sun burn. It’s just harder to notice.

I have to assume gay people make better parents. I’ve never heard of gay parents drowning their kids in a tub or shooting everyone in the home and then turning the gun on themselves.

If guns reduce criminal activity, why don’t we allow them in prisons?

“I’m not going to dignify that with a response” is a response.

I can’t convince anyone of anything, but I consider it a victory if I can ask someone a question and they honestly don’t know the answer. At least I know there’s a chance they will look into trying to answer it, and that answer may make them reconsider their view.

Nothing makes me feel more alive than death threats.

“What would you know about ‘old school?’ You’re eleven.” - Overheard at the grocery story, mother speaking to her son

The more appealing you find an idea to be, the more skeptical of it you must become.

If you’re sick of your boss suckering you into working weekends, tell them you have a second job on the weekend because your current job doesn’t pay enough. You should now get free weekends or a raise.

The concept of sex addiction makes no sense to me. Is someone out there free-basing semen? Are they so broke that they’re sucking dick to afford to get laid?

I support critical thinking, but some aspects of it I don’t agree with. One is the notion that we should encourage people to come to their own conclusions. This would be a great idea, if most people weren’t idiots. For the average person, it’s best if you just borrow a smart person’s conclusion.

I support gay marriage, and I’m not afraid to say I find it uncomfortable when I see two men kissing. Or two old people... or two ugly women... or a really old person and a really young person. To my credit, I find interracial kisses hot.

Whether you’re an atheist, Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, or Hindu... can’t we all agree Scientologists are fucking nuts?

Here’s my problem with the Democrats: if you fail sometimes, I can overlook your failures. If you fail half of the time and don’t even bother trying the other half... the problem isn’t the system, the problem isn’t Republicans, you’re the problem.

I don’t know which is more strange... when people assume I voted for Obama, or when people assume I’m a Libertarian.

Now that I’m having kids, I’m going to get a paddle and name it “time out.” That way, I can threaten them in public without having child services called on me. “When we get home, you’re going to get SO MUCH time out!”

You know what would be a great job? US Ambassador to the Vatican. It’s a real position, and it’s pretty low risk. We’re not going to go to war with the Vatican, we don’t need to maintain diplomatic ties of any kind. I would just walk around looking at art all day... eating Italian food and gelato... pretending I don’t hear the screams of altar boys in the night. Hmm... on second thought...

I’m sorry, but I believe in traditional marriage, meaning a sacred agreement between one man and one woman’s father. You can’t convince me to change.

I’m a Nazi. My father was a Nazi, and his father before him was a Nazi... and that’s pretty much as far back as it goes, but it’s still part of our family tradition. I cannot stand people calling me a bigot. I mean, you don’t even know me. Why do you judge me just because of this one little thing? That’s kind of what religious people sound like to me...

I think all international conflicts should be resolved by a 16 man, round-robin thumb war tournament.

You don’t have to like a person to defend them, and you don’t have to hate a person to criticize them.

If we teach abstinence because it is “100% effective,” why don’t we also teach about handjobs? I would argue they’re even more effective.

Dear Republicans: If you really want to piss off the terrorists, try supporting gay marriage. They hate that shit.

The Supreme Court listened to the oral arguments regarding gay marriage last March. They refused to listen to the anal arguments.

Do not fear, my little liberals. The world is not getting worse. Rather, what you are witnessing are the last flailing attempts of a dying generation to re-impose the ignorance they grew up in. They will fade into black before too long, and our memory of them will not be cruel, but merely absent, as we will forget all of their hemming and hawing once we have moved on without them. They do not even amount to one paragraph in our future history books.

The more I calmly explain things to people, the more I see how pointless it is to treat idiots with respect.

It wasn’t science that killed religion, it was mass literacy.

When God closes a door, I reopen it... because it’s a door, not a wall.

If shoe size is related to penis size, why aren’t there more clowns doing porn?

You know what you never see on a dating website? Women asking for more men to send them pictures of their penis.

Hey Blogosphere! I really like you, so I thought I’d let you in on a secret. They’ve cured cancer and AIDS and the flu and autism and restless leg syndrome... but the pharmaceutical industry doesn’t want you to know. All you need to do is eat a handful of bullshit.

If you want something done right, don’t do it yourself. Find a perfectionist you can tolerate and have them do it.

Today is the day when I take every single thing out of the refrigerator and only put it back in if I actually plan to use it. On a side note... why is there a “d” in “fridge,” but not “refrigerator?”

If you have a terminal illness but you can’t get insurance for healthcare, I suggest you kill a Republican lawmaker. Criminals in America are required by law to receive medical treatment.

Most people just say silly things online, but with my time on Facebook, I make the world a better place. Namely, by staying in my house on Facebook and not going out into the world.

I believe in responsible gun ownership. With thousands of innocent people being shot dead in America, gun owners are very much responsible.

Modern American liberalism has defeated itself with it’s own bullshit. They’re right on basically every issue, but there is a fatal flaw in the liberal ethos: they preach that it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, what is important is if you try. It’s no wonder they don’t seem to mind that they constantly lose on every political issue. I’ve gotten to the point where I think the only hope for America is for Republicans to swing left. They have the right work ethic... just no actual ethics.

Why do I oppose Israel? Well, just as one small example... my wife has Israeli citizenship, but we would not be allowed to get legally married in Israel because I’m not Jewish. Explain to me again why we donate billions to a country which is that overtly racist?

More atheists need to acknowledge that you don’t need to be an atheist to be brilliant, nor brilliant to be an atheist.

When I hear the old complain about how this country is deteriorating, I can’t help but think they’re really just talking about themselves.

Some people say, “What can I do? I’m only one person.” What more do you think is required for doing something?

The only problem with make-up sex is that eventually you get to the point where being yelled at gives you a boner.

Can anyone fucking explain to me why people repost things on Facebook and then, when questioned or criticized for it, say, “I don’t necessarily agree with what I posted.” Here’s a thought... then don’t fucking repost it without a critique. Why are you willingly being a tool and giving a voice to something you don’t agree with?

If religion were a drug, atheists would not have a tolerance for it.

What if the entire Republican Party was a massive conspiracy by Democrats to keep getting elected?

I don’t believe in nihilism.

I went to a strip club and was really disappointed. They made me put my clothes back on. Apparently they don’t want me as a member.

I don’t believe in perfect relationships. I believe in real relationships.

Most people know that “orange” is hard to rhyme, but so is “silver.”

So the new Pope says that gay couples adopting children constitutes child abuse. I’m inclined to believe him, because if there’s one thing the Vatican can be considered an expert on, it’s child abuse.

I’ve never liked the term “corporate whore.” It seems offensive to prostitutes, who are only fucking one person at a time.

I have to admit... I’m a little bit sexist. The first thing I notice about a woman is her tits, whereas that’s only the second thing I notice about a guy.

We have people who are transsexual, but are there any transracial people (i.e. a black person trapped in a white person’s body, or vice-versa)?

If we’re going to allow political ads, we need to also allow people to sue politicians for false advertising.

I think atheists pay closer attention to what the Pope says than any Catholic I know.

I’m more than a little disturbed by the fact that most Catholics are more upset about pedophile priest jokes than about pedophile priests.

I don’t think it’s fair that I got arrested for public nudity at a strip mall.

I was watching a nature show about lions and it mentioned that lions are like all predators: they don’t attack difficult game, they go for the sick, the young, the old, the weak. Then I got to thinking about religion and Republicans... and I thought, “Yeah, that is what predators do, isn’t it?”

So, I looked up what the new pope’s stance is when it comes to pedophilia. He prefers it bent over a pew.

I just took an online IQ test and got a 139. It says 135 is genius level. Damn... just 4 away... so close.

I’ve never had a threesome, but I have had sex with someone when I was so drunk that I had double vision.

I’m horrible at gardening. I planted bird seed last year and not a single bird grew.

I don’t think there’s any evidence that faith exists.

Some guys are born gay, while others are sucked into it.

Having interacted closely with hundreds of libertarians and anarchists, the one thing that shocks me about all of them is that each and every one of them, when given enough time, has censored me. That doesn’t say much for their view of freedom if they can’t even handle what I have to say.

Is it illegal to pay someone to not sleep with another person? Like... the opposite of prostitution.

Is it child porn if I post an ultrasound picture that includes my kid’s genitals? I don’t think it should count, since I’m pro-choice and don’t consider them a child yet...

I have news for you... if a band only sounds good on drugs, that’s like saying “That person is really attractive when you’re drunk.”

Some of the worst relationship advice you could ever follow is, “You have to be happy with yourself first. No one can love you until you love yourself.” That’s great advice for turning yourself into an insufferable, unbudging asshole who is set in their own ways and totally in love with themselves. It’s great advice for how to be alone until the day you die.

I’m going to start my own company that makes computers. I’m going to call it “Orange,” so that when people say they aren’t as good as Apple’s, I can say, “You can’t compare them.”

Treating everyone the same isn’t treating everyone equally. Just ask the lactose intolerant guy at a pizza party.

I’m thinking about buying a 3D printer so that I can print 3D printers.

People have actually remarked that I always do things my own way, like that’s a criticism or bad. Yet, I wouldn’t have to do anything my own way if people before me had done it right the first time.

I don’t believe in the ineffable. Everything can be effed.

Now that atheists have a noticeable presence in some corners of the internet, Christians who venture into those corners have a tendency to complain about being singled out and dismissed entirely whenever they try to participate in the conversation. FYI, that’s how atheists feel everywhere else.

I wanted to make a TV show about the roles of different people who make airline travel possible, but we didn’t get beyond the pilot.

I can’t believe “midget” is offensive and “little person” isn’t.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you’ll get repossessed.

Does anyone know what happens if you use the drugged bath salts as actual bath salts? Do you get a very relaxed feeling of wanting to bite someone’s face off?

I am always amused by single people who complain about how all the best ones are married. The answer is simple: date a married person.

Sometimes I think of something interesting to say, but I wait until late at night to post it. Insomniacs and Australians deserve new posts, too.

If I had a nickel for every person who blocked me on Facebook... I would stop holding back and get rich.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Random Thoughts, February 2013

The idea of putting tin foil on your head to stop your mind from being read never made sense to me. Don’t you put tin foil on an antenna when you want better reception? I think the whole idea of a tin foil hat is a conspiracy to make our minds easier to read!

There is no single myth more persistent than the unwavering belief that things are getting worse, and yet no one would rather be living in the past if they knew what it was like.

Just be yourself... but if that doesn’t work, be someone better.

I’m going to start my own company that makes computers. I’m going to call it “Orange,” so that when people say they aren’t as good as Apple computers, I can say, “You can’t compare them.”

In my experience, a Libertarian is someone who demands that the government treat people better than he treats others.

I find that for most people, the hardest part about Photoshop is getting it.

Republicans realized they have an image problem, so they’re going to adopt the Democrat strategy of paying lip service to people right before they screw them over.

When tax season rolls around, I am so glad I married a Jewish statistics professor. I’m not even sure I can even add two-digit numbers anymore.

Owning guns will never mean you’re a tough guy. It means you’re afraid.

I think you should live your life in such a way that if someone saw the movie of it, they wouldn’t believe it happened.

I oppose capital punishment, except for the wealthy. It’s only fair, since they have all the capital.

You know what the funniest thing is? Watching the right-wing act upset about drone assassinations. I get why liberals would be upset about it, but I get the feeling that Republicans are just angry they didn’t think of it first.

Religions are lies, not errors. An error at least implies a good-faith attempt at having conveyed what was genuinely thought to be the truth.

I care about what others think, I just don’t care about what unthinking people say.

Too many believers feel the need to say, “You’re free to ‘believe’ evolution or science or whatever.” First of all... there’s a difference between belief and knowledge, but let’s set that aside for a second. Why does any religious person think I want or need their permission to accept observable truths? Oh right... because for most of religious history, they made sure people were NOT free to do so... I almost forgot.

If only Trayvon Martin had been armed... he might have been able to look guilty.

Just to be clear... Republicans are upset about drones killing a couple people. They’re also pissed off that we aren’t already bombing and killing millions of Iranians... am I missing something?

With all the actual problems with religion... it astounds me that some atheists feel the need to make stuff up or exaggerate.

Even if God spoke the universe into existence, I wouldn’t be impressed. I can imagine thousands of gods in my head, all of which can do it without uttering even a word. One of them even looks like a naked Sofia Vergara...

If the idea of Obama having the power to kill a US citizen with drones doesn’t scare you, just remember: someday, another Republican will be president, and they will have the same power. Ah, now it’s a frightening thought, huh?

If people learn from their mistakes, why does your car insurance go up after an accident?

There’s a movie called, “The Last Exorcism 2.” Do I even need to explain why this is a paradox?

With the lisp and bottle reach, I think Marco Rubio is officially the Waterboy.

If abortion is murder, why do fetuses taste nothing like children?

It doesn’t matter if a girl is on the pill: wear a condom. Pregnancy isn’t the worst thing that can happen. You can’t abort herpes.

I think the only reason to write satire is to identify stupid people.

I think I have the Benjamin Button disease, only in reverse.

I hope George W. Bush donates his body to science. They’ve been looking for the missing link forever.

I’ve never trusted people with attached earlobes.

I’ll never forget losing my virginity... I still have the arrest report.

Conservative: one who thinks everything is broken, but nothing should change

I’m not sure I’ve ever convinced anyone of anything, but I know this: I have, at times, made those who agree with me laugh, and I have, at times, made those who disagree with me upset. In this regard, I have been very successful.

When liberal religious people claim that it’s not fair to judge a religion by its fundamentalists, I have to wonder... why shouldn’t I judge a religion by those who most literally and faithfully follow its exact wording? Perhaps they should consider the fact that, as a general rule, good religious people are good because they’re bad at actually following their religion.

If I could spontaneously burn down every church, I wouldn’t. I would much rather they become museums, not rubble.

If you create a shitstorm, don’t complain about the smell.

Why is Congress dysfunctional? Well... imagine 10 friends want to go out to dinner. Six want to get Chinese food, and four want to get burgers. So, they decide to just go hungry. That’s Congress.

Never give oral sex after eating jalapenos. Trust me...

Love is being able to fart in front of someone. My dogs have loved me since day one.

I don’t get the idea of going to atheist events. Part of the fun of being an atheist is having my entire weekend to myself.

I look forward to Republicans having power again one day. Democrats need another lesson in how to actually be critical of their government.

If the world was going to end next week, I wouldn’t change anything about how I was living. Well... I would probably do less laundry, but otherwise...

I think the idea of hell is more believable than heaven. I can wrap my head around the concept of constant, eternal suffering... but eternal happiness sounds ridiculous to me, especially when so many people you knew and loved are suffering eternally.

I don’t think it’s wrong that sometimes I stand by a car in the parking lot just to see who gets into a vehicle with bumper stickers which are THAT stupid. What’s wrong is when I do that while holding a baseball bat.

The problem with the people who support the major political parties in America is purely anatomical. Republicans lack brains and hearts, while Democrats lack spines and balls.

The talk about violent video games makes me question America’s sanity. When people get shot in the real world, our first thought isn’t to ban real guns, it’s to ban virtual ones.

I kind of feel bad for Jesus. His last meal was wine and bread... what a boring final meal. Maybe there was more available but not mentioned in the Bible, though I will say this: he drank so much that the next day, he was still hammered.

When Bush called himself “the decider,” I wonder if he realized how linguistically similar that is to “the dictator.”

If human beings were computer hardware and religion was the operating system, I think Christianity would be Windows Millennium Edition.

It’s not “okay” to mock someone’s religion. It’s hilarious.

All you need is love, so long as someone who has food, water and shelter loves you.

The three steps to becoming a hero:
1. Try
2. Succeed
3. Have someone sing about you

I’ve never found slang to be as offensive as “proper” words used offensively. Like... calling someone a “cunt” or a “pussy” or a “bitch” is not nearly as bad to me as saying, “Quit acting like a woman.” Slang words take on additional meanings, but “acting like a woman” demeans the female gender, specifically and undeniably.

Those who censor themselves are also more likely to censor others. Perhaps their attitude is, “If I can’t say what I really think, neither should you.”

If you disagree with anyone online, ever, you have to be prepared for them to accuse you of being a violent and rabid opponent of everything good in this world.

I have a question for conservatives: if someone works a full-time job, should they be able to afford to live?

If you can’t take a joke, then I can’t take you seriously.

Republicans believe in equality, but not the same kind of equality most of us would want. Like... a Republican thinks it’s fair if everyone gets a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk for lunch. If you’re lactose intolerant, tough. And if you’re allergic to peanuts, at least you have a choice: starve or die.

I find it ironic that when I debate with most libertarians or anarchists... you know... people who demand total freedom... they have a lot of rules when it comes to how you can discuss their politics.

I’m not a humanist because I don’t believe in humans. I mean... they exist... but I don’t put much faith in them.

Democrats are at their best when they are doing what they promised to do, and Republicans are at their best when they do none of what they promised. Unfortunately for us, Democrats aren’t dependable, and Republicans are.

Nothing is more dangerous than obedience, not even the person giving orders. A tyrant without devotees is just another frustrated asshole.

The irony of libertarianism and anarchism is that, without the government protecting their right to free speech, someone would have silenced their idiocy a long time ago.

The criminals who are caught are hung by the criminals who are not.

When I comment online, I don’t care about the numbers when it comes to people disagreeing with me. You can have more people on your side, so long as the truth is on mine.

Whenever I see someone criticize “Western medicine,” my only thought is: why don’t you go suck some tiger testicles? No, I’m not trying to insult you, that’s a prescription for Eastern medicine. Have a ball.

If I were a Superhero, I would probably be Dinner Party Man. I somehow manage to both finish my meal first AND tell the most anecdotes before doing so, all while avoiding talking with my mouth full. [The secret is to swallow and never chew.]

The story of the Ten Commandments kind of confuses me. You have this guy go up on a mountain alone and come down with these rules... okay, let’s move past the craziness of that for a second. The part that confuses me is this: Moses comes back down with these commandments that no one has ever seen... and then gets really angry at people for having broken one of them, despite having never heard them. How does that make any fucking sense?

Religion isn’t bullshit, it’s holy shit.

Reading the Bible isn’t enough to make one a non-Christian. It also helps if you actually understand what it says.

If you’re afraid of the US oppressing its people through military force, the answer is simple: you don’t need more guns, which won’t do shit against tanks and stealth bombers. You need to cut military spending.

Is it possible to be a misogynist if you have no respect for men, either?

You can identify a hard-worker the same way you identify a transsexual: it’s all in the hands.

Earnest Hemingway wrote a six-word short story...
“For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”
I decided to take my own crack at it.
“For sale: rape table, barely used.”

I have written “The Final Testament,” which is composed of a single book: the Gospel of Bret. The book itself is composed of only one verse: “So he came back as a fetus and was aborted, for he could not bear to face us again.”

Almost everyone hates racists, but racists only hate a minority of people. How fair is that?

I had this plan where I would take advantage of how gullible most people are and get them to give me money, all while providing them nothing in return, but I got sued by the clergy for stealing their idea.

If beautiful sunsets are proof of God, is childhood leukemia proof that there is no God?

I have far more sympathy for gay men than gay women. A lot of people give lesbians a pass, but gay men are seen as being gross by more people. I think we should give gay men the right to marry one year before lesbians, just to compensate.

Christianity is said to be monotheistic, but I am not convinced. I have met a lot of Christians, but none of them seem to describe the same God. It’s almost as if there are as many Christian Gods as there are Christians...

Here’s my problem with James Bond: I can suspend belief that thousands of villains with machine guns all miss him over the course of unloading endless clips for two hours. What I don’t believe is that women want to sleep with him after he uses those horrible puns.

What if everything you thought you knew about conspiracies was wrong... oh, you don’t believe any? Hmm, you’re probably correct, then.

It occurred to me that churches are indistinguishable from the mob. Both rely on making vague threats and having you pay to be protected. Plus, neither pays taxes.

I am always amused by the likes of Alex Jones, Lew Rockwell and their ilk. They accuse the “mainstream media” of rampant dishonesty and bias, which is like the crackpot calling the kettle black.

I think we should all just acknowledge that the term “reverse racism” is dumb and pointless at this time. I think we should give it a new meaning, one which is not redundant (since “reverse racism” is just racism). “Reverse racism” should be the phenomena where people go out of their way to be nicer to people of other races, whether it be out of liberal guilt or just a superficial desire to appear to be “one of the good ones.”

If you want to financially squeeze politicians, it won’t help if we only pay them minimum wage. What you would need to do is impose a limit on maximum donations.

I don’t hate guns, I hate gun owners. Guns are harmless until you put them in the hands of someone dumb enough to think they’re great.

Whoever convinced people that kale is food should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

I have done a lot of drugs, but I never understood the desire to get naked when heavily under the influence. Sure... I have gotten naked when very drugged, but I still don’t understand why it happened.

What’s the point of living if you’re religious? Wouldn’t it be easier to just put yourself in a situation where you die for your faith so you can spend eternity in heaven?

I don’t really have limits when it comes to what I will say, but if I’m going to say something mean, I want to mean it. I try to avoid unintentionally offensive remarks, which is why I think it’s dumb when Republicans call Obama “niggardly.” It would be like telling your Mexican maid to get the house “spic and span,” or to tell a Vietnamese person that their argument amounts to being little more than a “slippery slope.”

We’ve gotten to a point where WWII video games have better, more realistic graphics than actual footage of WWII.

Voting for the lesser of two evils does nothing for the greater good.

I used to wonder why we have crazies running around killing people, but we don’t have any doing amazingly nice things for others. We have sociopaths who rig the system and rob people of everything they’ve got, but we don’t seem to have any who give it all away. But then I realized: we do have those people, but we don’t call them crazy or sociopathic... we call them friends and family.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Random Thoughts, November 11th – January 30th

I wanted to get my dog fixed, but I decided to save the money and just teach him how to play Dungeons and Dragons.

When you criticized Bush, they called you unpatriotic. When you criticize Obama, they call you a racist. I can’t wait for a female president, so I can be called a misogynist.

Obama didn’t lose the white, male vote, Obama fans lost it for him. They’ve spent the last 4 years blaming everything on white males.

I think Facebook is a philosophical experiment to see what happens when a know-it-all meets a know-nothing.

Why is it scientists are “playing god,” but preachers are “doing God’s work?”

When I was younger, I was touched by Jesus. Now he has to stay 1500 feet away at all times.

Sometimes I think Republicans won’t be happy until every poor person is miserable.

I’m beyond the point where I think we should tax the rich. Let’s just decapitate them and move on.

If people were immortal, murder would become a necessity.

Can any Christians out there explain to me why it’s offensive to say we evolved from apes, but it’s fine to say we came from dirt?

Considering the quality of their work, I think it’s time Congress be paid minimum wage. And since so much of their money comes from the generosity of others, they should get paid the minimum wage for servers who work for tips: $2.13 an hour.

I have bad news for secessionists... most of the people signing those petitions are Obama fans who want you to leave.

I don’t usually complain about my wife, but she is constantly guilty of a crime that would have been punishable by death in my Italian family growing up. She is always leaving food uneaten on her plate, and it drives me nuts!

I had 3 eggs sunny side up for breakfast and now I feel kind of nauseous. I hope this isn’t morning sickness from being pregnant with a chicken...

My wife on having kids: “I hope they have blue eyes like you do... or wait, green eyes... what color are your eyes, again?”

You know what’s annoying about older generations? They complain and complain and complain about how the world is... even though the world now is nothing more than a product of their own actions. Then, when the young want to fix anything, the old do everything in their power to stop them. Here’s a thought: shut the fuck up and get out of the way.

I feel no obligation whatsoever to respect a person’s opinion, especially when it’s wrong. The beauty of this is, even if you disagree with me... you still have to respect my opinion, otherwise you’re a hypocrite.

I haven’t had a nickname since I lived in Detroit. Back then, my nickname was “cracker.” I lived in a very black neighborhood, but I never felt left out. Even people I never met somehow knew my nickname.

I’m an eternal optimist. When things are going downhill, I just relax and enjoy not having to pedal.

I think Bigfoot is really a Wookie.

Classy insult of the day: May you be defenestrated by a resplendent heiress.

When I die, I want to be buried in track pants and a hoody with my hand in my underwear. That way, any future anthropologists who find my body will better understand how people of our time lived.

The market produces innovation, while the government provides stability. A market given too much power leads to exploitation, while a government given too much power leads to stagnation.

When I can hear my neighbors having sex, I always know who came first... because it was me.

I love how people who call themselves “real Americans” want to form their own country.

Religious people make the ultimate scientific error in thinking the universe revolves around their beliefs.

I find it easy to be honest, but it’s difficult for me to be polite. Usually, the best I can do is to just be silent... but that never lasts for long.

Don’t you hate it when you’re in a group of people and somehow there are two different conversations going on, but you got sucked into the boring one?

I think everyone should be DNA tested, just because I’m curious how many cuckolds there are.

There is no such thing as “positive thinking.” You either go out and do something positive, or you’re just a lazy person who hopes good things will magically happen.

My favorite conservative truism: “No matter what we do, there will always be people who have more.” Exactly, so it’s okay to tax them... because they’ll still make more and they’ll still be the richest, we’ll just be able to afford social programs like the rest of the developed world.

Sometimes I comment on someone’s Facebook post asking what they mean, and the response is, “I didn’t write it, I only shared it.” So... why are you sharing things you don’t even understand?

Kids today are too weak and coddled. Why, just last week I was able to beat up an entire playground full of 3rd graders without breaking a sweat.

Why doesn’t God ever tell crazy people to do good things?

You don’t see many prophets today able to convince people to give up all their worldly possessions and follow them. Maybe it’s because these days, most of us have a lot of nice stuff.

Both parties have muddied the political waters with their wolf-crying. It’s to the point where I no longer believe Republicans when they cry “tyranny,” and I don’t believe Democrats when they cry “bigotry.”

I like the movie American History X, but I’m kind of angry that it gave racist overtones to the otherwise wholesome act of curb stomping.

If religion was underwear, atheism would be going commando.

Those who deny themselves of certain rights and pleasures think nothing of denying them for others.

I hate flattery, and I’ve successfully avoided it by remaining completely unimportant.

The most optimistic concept to me is that ignorance that has persisted for a lifetime can be defeated by one thoughtful afternoon of contemplation.

The only war America has won in the last eleven years is the one against civil liberties.

The ultimate outcome of looking at the world logically is to realize the world is not logical.

The devil’s in the details, because God is in the ambiguity.

I think it’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I don’t see what’s so special about virginity. It’s not uncommon. In fact, you might even say there’s a virgin born every second.

If ignorance is bliss, why are Americans so depressed?

A woman’s love is like water. To possess it, you must cup your hands and let it rest inside. You cannot grab hold of it tightly, and often it leaks out over time. Or, you could keep her forever at the bottom of a well...

It has always been a battle between those who want to act normal, and those who don’t. The normal people usually win, but they never have any fun doing it.

There are two tricks to being rich. The first is getting money. The second is keeping it.

If you lack moral fiber, you may find it hard to give a shit.

TV Show concept: evil midget with psychic powers escapes from prison.
Title: Small Medium at Large

I believe in killing people with kindness. I named my axe “Kindness.”

You can determine precisely when you started caring about politics by thinking back to the time when it seemed like the world went from being fine to being one inch away from complete annihilation.

I can order food in three languages, but I can insult you in seven. Those are my priorities.

I want to write a book about Mongolian literature and leaders called “The Prose and Kahns of Mongolia.”

I have studied the religions of the world like my eternity relied upon it. In the end, I fear I have merely wasted a large chunk of the finite time I actually have.

I see a lot of anarchists and libertarians speak of the government’s “monopoly on violence.” This is odd, because I keep hearing from these same people how the government is inefficient and ineffective. So, what I’m hearing is these people demanding private industry get in on the market of violence, because the government is not an acceptably efficient or effective killing machine. I’m fairly certain that the way forward is not to privatize tyranny, thereby streamlining it.

Why does no one believe that I have a Bible that is signed by the author?

If you often put your foot in your mouth, you might as well also put a sock in it.

I hate when people I don’t even know try to give me parenting advice. So, to all those nosey people out there, listen. As their father, I know how much heroin my child can handle. If you have a problem with that, you try dealing with them when they haven’t had their fix. I’m just kidding, I don’t have kids… anymore.

I think the War on Terror is a conspiracy by artificial limb manufacturers.

People blame TV for kids doing stupid stuff, but dumb stuff has been on TV as long as there’s been TV, and before that, fairy tales were full of ridiculous situations. Wile E. Coyote was strapping rockets to his roller skates in the 50’s, but kids weren’t going out and doing it... until the 90’s. Why? Maybe because that was the generation that grew up being told, “You can do anything.”

Very few things brighten my day like botched plastic surgery.

I had a girlfriend in college who is now in a lot of online porn, and something tells me she’s going to be pretty pissed off if she finds out I posted it.

I’m sick of people blaming Disney, magazines, or just the media in general for “giving them unrealistic expectations.” For fuck’s sake, you’re mediocre... get over it already.

I don’t get why Christian men expect their wives to serve them food. The only time that happens in the whole Bible is when Eve brought Adam some fruit, and God was not happy about it.

They say “age is just a number.” Yeah, and a coffin is “just a box.”

I wanted someone to use reverse psychology on me, but they didn’t want to. So, I tried telling them not to use it on me.

Worst idea for a sex-shop product: edible handcuffs

You can’t spell “Bible” without “bile.”

Every time a semi-famous person accepts my friend request on Facebook, my wife has to condescendingly ask, “Did they friend you, or did you just Like their page?” Every single time...

I’m tired of people on Facebook telling others they should do what makes them happy. Really? What if I like torturing small animals, should I do it? Or, should we maybe be telling people to do something good, rather than just encouraging people to indulge their personal quest for pleasure?

I made a voodoo doll of myself and stuck pins in it. I didn’t feel any pain, but I suddenly want some heroin.

Mooning someone is the second most fun you can have with your pants off.

I don’t believe in group pride. Pride breeds an “us vs. them” mentality. I don’t believe there is such a thing as “them.” That means everyone is included in “us,” and I’m certainly not proud to be part of that.

My ethics are simple: if you see someone falling, catch them. If you fail to do so, help them up. If you fail to do even that, the least you can do is not step on them while they’re down.

Some people look for things to be offended by. Some people look for things to get angry about. Some people look for things to criticize. Some people look for things to laugh at. Some people look for things to enjoy. Somehow, we all find what we are looking for.

Sometimes I wish I was gay, just so I could call everyone “darling.” And I would pronounce it very British, “Daaah-ling.”

I want shoes that, when it detects me running up a flight of stairs, will play the “Rocky” theme.

Whenever I feel bad about downloading music illegally, I watch MTV Cribs. To be fair, I have never watched MTV Cribs. I don’t even know if that show is still on the air. Hell, I don’t know if MTV is still on the air.

In California, there are solar powered tanning beds. Seriously.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’ll wish I was in better shape, that way I would be an unstoppable zombie.

Why would anyone question the honesty of the Bible? It was written by Jesus’ buddies, many of whom were fishermen, and no fisherman ever exaggerated when telling a story…

The only reason to be religious is if you are afraid to die. The only reason to be afraid to die is if you never really lived. The only reason most people never really lived is because of religion.

Am I the only person who finds it odd that Christians believe their God has a throne? I just don’t picture God sitting. I imagine him floating, I don’t know why, I guess because it’s space.

I get why atheists laugh at Christians for citing the Bible as evidence in a discussion. What I don’t get is why atheists cite famous atheists so often.

I don’t get why candlelight is romantic. It seems like a backhanded way of saying, “I think you look better when I can barely see you.”

I think the only suspicious thing about atheism is that it has almost the same gender and race composition as the Republican Party.

Friends are like balloons. They tend to move away quickly if you poke them with needles.

If you want to really confuse a conservative, ask them if they think Barack Obama’s mom should have gotten an abortion. They get a look on their face that looks like their mind is trying to divide by zero.

There’s no polite way to tell someone their kid is ugly. Believe me... I’ve tried every possible way.

You know what’s hilarious? The suggested serving size on Girl Scout Cookies. It’s two cookies. Two. That’s right, eat one cookie, then another, and supposedly you’re done. Who the fuck eats two and stops? I can eat two at a time. A serving size shouldn’t be able to fit in my mouth all at once.

I know some people actually pray that their kids won’t be gay. I also know some who worry their kids will become religious. Personally, I just hope my future kids don’t end up in jail or enlisting in the military.

Logic is highly overrated. It’s useful for discovering the truths of the universe, but since people don’t operate logically, it’s useless when dealing with humanity itself.

I will never understand people who post about a topic on Facebook, then when you ask questions about it, they say something along the lines of, “I don’t want to have a discussion about that right now.” Of course not, you just want people to agree with you right now. When would be a good time to point out you’re wrong?

Supposedly, God created fish of the sea and birds of the air on the 5th day, and animals of the Earth on the sixth. When did he create penguins? What about amphibians?

I find it amusing that I know more about what the Bible says than most Christians, and most Christians know more about what Richard Dawkins says than I do. The difference being... I don’t worship (or even care for) Richard Dawkins, so I have no reason to ever care about what he says.

It sucks when I’m at the grocery store, rocking out to the music playing over the speakers, and then right at the guitar solo, someone comes on the intercom asking for a price check.

Marijuana shouldn’t be legal, it should be mandatory. I think it belongs on the food pyramid.

I refuse to feel bad about having sex with my wife, no matter how much my wife cries during it. I keep telling her, “It’s not rape if we’re married, now get back into the pit.” Women... am I right?

Every time someone blocks me on Facebook, an asshole refuses to give a shit.

If you criticize those who are praised as saints, be prepared to be called a devil.

Fighting to change how a group is portrayed in media is a fool’s errand. Drug dealers are always the villain, and yet they’re doing great.

It’s always awkward when someone I barely know announces on Facebook that they are now single or pregnant. I don’t know whether congratulations or condolences are in order.

We need to get English majors some jobs so the rest of us can make spelling errors without having someone pounce on us online and make us feel like we’re morons just because we got one word wrong. Yes, we all make mistakes, some of us make typing errors, some of us make poor life choices about what we study in college.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s not like poverty can afford it.

No one joins the military to protect our freedom. They do it because they’re selfish people who want something out of it (money), and they don’t care who they hurt in the process. That isn’t noble at all.

I’m glad Facebook has no thumbs down option. It’s so much more satisfying to leave a nasty comment than to just click one button and wordlessly express disapproval. I almost wish the Like button were eliminated.

I think it’s so sexist that if a man has a lot of sex, he’s cool or a stud, but if a woman does the exact same thing, she’s your mom.

You know what the Great Depression had that the Great Recession is lacking? Bankers and investors jumping out of windows.

At the end of Return of the Jedi, it’s pretty well known now that Lando is wearing Han Solo’s clothes as he pilots the Millennium Falcon. But then it hit me... since Han Solo won the ship from Lando, maybe the clothes were in the ship already and Han Solo had been wearing Lando’s clothes for years. Whoa...

The best insults are like a good biography: they’re true, personal, and focus on who they fucked.

Thanks to foreign porn, I know that people have sex with an accent.

You ever make a large chunk of cash off of immoral stock and wonder how much you need to donate to charity to not feel guilty about it?

I figured it out. The problem with the older generation is that they are stuck in this post-modernist bullshit attitude of, “Oh, how can we know anything?” They’re too chickenshit to try, so they hem and haw instead of trying to fix anything.

Sometimes, when I’m really pissed off, I just sit around counting money. That helps.

I always hated open-book exams in college. That made me feel obliged to buy the book.

You know what makes a real man? A Y chromosome.

I once jerked off so much that I got a huge blister on my palm. I thought I had gotten my hand pregnant.

It’s time for guns to be outlawed and for outlaws with guns to be jailed.

If you think Obama will do anything about gun regulation in America because some children died, you must not know about his drone strikes...

It’s no wonder that news agencies won’t broach the issue of gun control. They live for stories where dozens of kids die.

It’s easier to blame mental illness than guns, because mentally ill people have no lobby group. Every country has crazy people, but only ours has a gun violence problem. You have to be mentally ill to not see the real cause.

You ever have a conversation with someone and you cannot figure out why they’re so dumb... and then you find out they’re a Republican and it all makes sense?

If you outlaw murder, only outlaws will murder. I think responsible people should be able to decide who lives and dies, not just criminals.

I think the honeymoon should come before the wedding. Then, if you still don’t hate each other, you can get married.

I guess we have to wait until a gunman goes into a retirement home and kills people before Republicans will want anything done.

You know what’s frustrating about living in the US? We have fallen behind, so we can look around at the rest of the world and see the advances we will one day have... but can’t seem to attain.

When the Queen of England gives a handjob, does she do it pinky out?

America is a nation where more people believe in angels than gun control. Maybe it’s out belief that there are magical beings watching over us that prevents us from taking tangible steps towards making our country safer.

You ever watch an older movie for the first time and you realize, “Oh, that’s where that’s from...”

Why do people get piercings and tattoos? Isn’t it cheaper to just cut and burn yourself?

I find it interesting that the only part of the Bill of Rights with the word “regulated” is the 2nd Amendment.

The strangest paradox to me is that over-thinking a situation always results in a dumb opinion.

Love is knowing someone well enough that you not only want to kill them, you’ve planned what you would do with the body... but you don’t, because you know it’s easier to be with them forever than to go through all this again with someone new. And if you are with someone for a long time and you never thought this, you’re the one who always gets their way, and I assure you: your partner thinks about this all the time.

You can usually tell someone is a Republican pretty quickly by the fact that they’re wrong about everything.

The more I talk with gun advocates, the more I am convinced that gun ownership itself should be diagnosed as a mental illness.

I used to wonder why so many churches would support gun ownership. Then I realized they would lose business, since a lot of funerals are held in churches.

You can tell I’m an atheist because when someone sneezes near me, I say, “Jesus Christ! Cover your fucking mouth!”

The Right wants to give teachers guns but not fair pay. How could that end badly?

Am I the only one who thinks “being kissed under the mistletoe” sounds like a euphemism for someone licking your taint?

Old people walk a fine line between wisdom and dementia.

If guns don’t kill people, then why do people go down so easy when I shoot them?

Apparently, it’s possible to get so fat that you cannot even reach to wipe your own ass. That sort of disproves intelligent design, if you ask me. If I was designing people, you should always be able to reach your ass, but you wouldn’t be able to reach your mouth to eat more.

Republican philosophy is kind of like an old movie. Everything is black and white, the actors aren’t very convincing, and it makes you think, “What the hell were these old people thinking?”

If I could change just one thing about the Bible, I would make it less boring, that way Christians would actually read it and realize it’s nonsense.

I think Santa got so fat from drinking all that Coca-cola.

I would only burn a bridge if I was certain one of my exes was on it.

So, I’m in my childhood home several states away one day and I’m looking through some things I still have here, the stuff that I didn’t see fit to bring back on any of the previous 20 or so trips. It’s pretty much the bottom of the barrel, really. And yet... so much of this crap still has sentimental value to me. It’s so silly how I still find things to be important when I haven’t used them in over 10 years, simply because they are “mine.”

You ever notice that people who value family the most also have the craziest families?

I think wanting to home school your kid should be a clear indication that you are not qualified to be the only real influence in your child’s life.

It’s better to have loved a short person than to have never have loved a tall.

I wonder what violent video games the Nazis played to make them so murderous…

I can’t get over the fact that “Atheist Movement” sounds like some kind of godless turd.

I love when I’m told I can’t judge others. Not only can I judge people, but their dumb choices often make it easy to do so.

I’m glad there was no Facebook when I was young and wrote poetry. That would have been really embarrassing.

I had someone tell me that if I don’t believe in God, then I can’t believe in love. That would be like saying that if I don’t believe in leprechauns, I can’t believe in rainbows.

You know what is hilarious? Christians who criticize those who select “Jedi” as their religion, because Star Wars is not real.

Has someone ever made you hate them so much that you just keep a straight face and show no emotion, that way months later they’ll never suspect it was you that smeared the word “Asshole” in shit on their house?

Some people don’t want help, they just want to be a victim.

You know what always takes me out of the reality of a network TV show? When a woman is wearing a bra during sex.

I’m not gay, but I kind of relate to gay people in at least one respect. I know what it’s like to have people look down on me unfairly for something I can’t control, something that is simply a matter of taste, something I didn’t choose. Yet, I refuse to be ashamed of my sense of humor.

You have the right to remain silent, but you have the responsibility to speak up.

A victim is someone who knows they have been unfairly wronged, but doesn’t know how to get over it.

I wish atheists wouldn’t act like they’re so smart. You don’t need to be bright to lack a belief in God. Don’t take such intellectual pride in a mindset possessed by every new born baby.

No one can find love. Some people think this is a sad fact when they find out, but I think it’s beautiful. Love can’t just be found lying around, ready to go; we have to make it for ourselves.

For Christmas, I got a bunch of assorted small-brand sodas from my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Great gift, I love soda and they all have real cane sugar. But one of them is odd... it’s called “Mr.” Cola. That’s how it is labeled, with the quotes and all, and it leads me to wonder if perhaps it used to be Mrs. Cola, until it got a sex-change. Whatever the case may be, I don’t mind. I am fine with a transgender soda. I’m just glad it wasn’t Mr. “Cola.” That would be suspicious.

Kids today are so soft. I gave one a gun and he just shot himself in the face with it and refused to do anything else except just lie there bleeding. Soft, and lazy, too.

Republicans have an IQ to match their political ideology: stuck in the 80s.

If you honestly think Obama is a great president, you either don’t pay attention or you let Bush really lower your standards.

What’s the nicest thing I can say about people who support Obama? Well... at least they aren’t Republicans.

So many of my Facebook buddies are going through a break up or relationship trouble. I’m the last person on Earth who can give advice on that matter; I fall to pieces after a break up. But I will say this: if an unattractive jackass like me or Hitler can find love... what the fuck is wrong with you?

The primary benefit of marriage is that in order to leave you, they would have to stand in line and do a lot of paper work.

Is it just me, or do school teachers seem shorter now than they were when you were a little kid?

The opposite of faith is not knowledge or fact, but understanding. Faith is an act, specifically the act of accepting as true what you don’t understand.

Congress is like the student who waits until the night before to finish a project. I should be an elected official...

To this day, I don’t believe there is a finer portrait of the modern Republican than the book “American Psycho.”

I don’t focus much on people’s body types. I think ugly comes in all sizes and shapes.

I’m about to make fried ravioli for the first time, without any recipe, based solely on watching Iron Chef. [It worked, and I recommend serving it with marinara sauce, a light sprinkling of olive oil, or even sour cream; that last one is my wife’s favorite… as an Italian, I cannot bring myself to even try it]

Great name for a punk rock band, just throwing it out there (feel free to use it): Full Body Pimple

Trump has an appropriate name. He ‘s like a low trump card who beats an ace, simply because of his suit.

I don’t know why money is a taboo gift for some people. It’s basically a gift card to everywhere.

You know, ladies... very little rape happens in kitchens.

There is no such thing as an “anarchist.” There are simply some who would sit by and make excuses for why injustice is noble.

Gun owners are still arguing that they need to be armed in order to fight government tyranny. After the PATRIOT ACT, the NDAA, warrantless wire-tapping of citizens and government-sponsored torture, I have to ask... what are you waiting for?

CEOs of several major corporations warned that raising their taxes would mean they would be forced to lay off hundreds, if not thousands, of Washington lobbyists.

DNA testing 2000 years ago would have saved us from Christianity.

I just want to say to America’s liberals: fuck you. You have spent more time with the anti-bullying campaign in the last decade than you spent on gun control. You’re more threatened by words than deadly weapons that kill 30,000 people per year in this country. Fuck you, you stupid cunts.

If there’s internet in heaven, why don’t I ever meet any dead people online? If there’s no internet in heaven... how the hell can you call it heaven?

Is it so hard to believe that I would calmly wish someone were dead?

I get the feeling most gun advocates buy into the idea guns are used by the “good guys” to stop the “bad guys” because they see it so often in movies. Since they put so much stock in movies, I think we’d all be better off if gun owners switched to wands.

Whenever I hear people in their teens or twenties talking about how they don’t want kids, I am reminded of little kids who are like, “Eww! Kissing! Gross!” That’s good: you shouldn’t want to have kids yet.

You know it’s definitely time to clean when the vacuum gets dusty.

If gun owners think firearms will protect them from the government taking away their rights, why are they afraid of gun control? Can’t they just rely on their guns to fight the government?

If I could be any animal, I would have to say I would be a human. We’re the only ones that have really mastered the production of bacon.

You know what you never see or hear about anymore? Hunchbacks.

You know what is a surefire way of getting friendzoned? Talking to a girl you like about the friendzone.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick an axe, but you can’t pickaxe your friends.

I can’t believe anyone would blame video games for violence. Before video games, kids played “Cowboys and Indians,” a game which might as well have been called, “Pretend Genocide.”

It’s been a while since we had a president with sons (since the first Bush, actually).

I find that most people who say things like, “Not every issue is worth fighting for,” or “You need to pick your battles,” never seem to fight or pick any battle whatsoever.

During the Bush years, you saw a lot of Republicans say that catching Osama bin Laden wasn’t important... I guess since Bush didn’t accomplish that. Now, you see a lot of Democrats saying that closing Guantanamo or ending our involvement in the Middle East isn’t all that important. I’m not saying the two parties are the same, I’m saying their voters all have the same excuses for failure.

With Obama and his fellow Democrats, you can see the inherent problem with the liberal idea that you shouldn’t keep score in sports and that you ought to give a trophy even to the losers. Liberals just don’t even know anymore what it means to win; if you try, it seems to be good enough for them. When faced with the enormous problems of today, just simply trying is not good enough.

How do I know I won’t live to be very old? Because I had my mid-life crisis at 22.

ou don’t have to like someone to appreciate their work, and you don’t have to agree with someone to share a human moment with them. What great news for argumentative misanthropes.

If you try to do everything, you will often end up doing nothing. If you try to do nothing, you will often end up doing everything.

I think my last words will be, “Delete my browser history.”

I think the worst time to be an atheist is when an atheist close to you has died. You become inundated with people assuring you they’ll “pray for them and you.” I’m not worried... it’s not like doing that will prevent the deceased from going to atheist heaven or something... but it’s sort of a little jab to the psyche, especially when they know you’re an atheist. It’s like saying, “Hey, sorry about your loss. I’ll pee on their grave.”

Do you think many urologists are #1 in their class, or that many proctologists are #2?

I sometimes wonder if the old think the world is going downhill and deteriorating simply because they are themselves.

How is it that Republican congressmen never bother to read long, boring laws before signing them, yet they love reading Ayn Rand?

You know how you can tell Republicans prey on the stupid? Because they see the destruction of public education as furthering their aims. There is no future for Republicans if the population is educated.

Someone who says they hate the wasteful spending of Democrats and therefore vote Republican is like a vegetarian who insists they don’t eat any meat, except veal and foie gras.

I’m conflicted when it comes to evaluating Obama. On one hand, I’m disappointed in all the things he didn’t do. On the other hand, when I look at what he did... I wonder if perhaps we’re lucky he got so little done.

Places full of those who think nothing should change are the places most in need of change.

Having known many middle and upper class people, I can tell you this about their work ethic: there is little difference. It’s not as though the very rich worked any harder than the moderately well-off. Poor people, on the other hand, have a very different work ethic. I can’t even imagine a middle or upper class person working hard enough to be poor.

A Small Collection of Rape Observations

I don’t think they should teach sex ed in schools. Kids should learn like I did: from their uncle, out behind the shed, during “Don’t tell mommy and daddy” time. Technically, that was a molestation joke, not a rape joke.

I think I’m going to start calling date rape “white-collar rape.” It just seems like a white-collar crime. After all, it statistically hurts more people, but is less often reported and prosecuted.

I don’t get the term “gang raped.” Does it have to be a gang? Why not “mob raped” or “Klan raped”?

This isn’t a joke, this is true. I Googled “rape jokes” and I swear, one of the things Google asked was, “Did you mean ‘black jokes?’” Jesus, Google... Jesus...

I think we should call babies born from rape “rabies.”

I don’t get why statutory rape is illegal. I mean... it’s just a statue, right?

Just to be clear… rape jokes are never funny… unless they relate to Catholic priests, prison, Michael Jackson, or Jerry Sandusky. Basically, when men or boys are victims, THEN it’s okay.

How would “teaching men not to rape” work? “Okay guys, don’t put drugs in a woman’s drink. Things like Ativan, Valium, Rohypnol, GHB, Ambien, or Ketamine could make a woman totally unable to fight you.” Yeah, I’m sure that will help...

Some people hate me for making jokes about God, other people hate me for making jokes about rape. I had no idea there were people who worshiped rape.

You know what I find odd? People who hate rape jokes LOVE telling me how they fantasize about me and every female family member I have being raped. Kind of suspicious, if you ask me... something you want to admit, folks?

Some people don’t believe there is such a thing as a rape joke. I guess they just believe in “she was asking for it” jokes.

I had a friend who was raped by the town mayor. She’s fine with rape jokes, but jokes about politicians make her very upset.

What if your daughter, or your sister, or your mother told a rape joke? Would it be funny then, huh? HUH? BIG MAN?!

Is it still rape if they’re dead? I mean... they can’t consent, but it’s not like they’re going to be traumatized...

It’s never okay to tell someone you hope they get raped, unless they tell a rape joke. Then clearly they were asking for it, am I right?

I think the term “gang rape” is kind of racist. It could just as easily be “country club raped.”

If you’ve been raped, is it okay to tell rape jokes? Like how black people can say nigger and wives can tell their husbands to go make them a sandwich or they’ll punch them in the mouth?

If you get hit while being raped on a railroad track by just one person, is it wrong to say they ran a train on you?

In a way, rape jokes are just modern slapstick comedy. It’s all laughing at someone’s pain.

All rape is tough to go through, but I think the worst person to be raped by would be Dr. Seuss. It’s bad enough you’re getting raped, but the rhymes...
“Would you could you with a lass?
Would you could you up the ass?”

I’m working on a course for teaching men not to rape. I even have a quiz for the end which has only one question: “Is it okay to rape someone?” If they answer “yes,” then they have to repeat the course. Fool proof...

If you’re so afraid of getting raped, then go about getting yourself infected with AIDS. Then, you’ll have the last laugh.

I actually had someone accuse me of having a small penis because I was making rape jokes. I’m just making rape jokes... it’s not like I own a gun or drive an SUV.

If you think rape jokes are misogynistic, then you’re probably sexist for thinking rape is a female issue.

Here’s the thing about all the people wishing I would get raped: it’s not rape if I thrust back into it. I am rape proof, bitches.

If you don’t think rape can be funny, clearly you’re never seen a dog humping a turtle.

If abortion is outlawed except in cases of rape, I imagine the number of reported rapes will skyrocket.

Kids today are so lazy. You used to have to hold someone down to rape them, but this generation just drugs people and they lie there unconscious, with no struggle at all. Kids today never want to work for it.

You know who would make a great rapist? Stephen Hawking, because no one would believe you if he raped you.

Just because you dress a certain way doesn’t mean you’re asking to get raped, and just because I joke about rape doesn’t mean I’m a rapist. The fact that I rape people makes me a rapist.

Rape is not a joke. It’s many, many jokes. You can’t boil it down to just one.

Nothing reveals who your true friends are like some bad rape jokes.

Maybe this whole month should be dedicated to rape jokes. “Rapril.”

It’s okay for me to make fun of creepy rapists. I own a van.

No one likes rape jokes... unless you’re a non-Catholic and it’s altar boys being raped. Then it’s hysterical.

I don’t get why people are uptight about rape jokes. I make fun of everything I dislike.

I once saved a girl from being raped. When she passed out from drinking, I just left her there.

I want to keep telling rape jokes, but I don’t want them to seem forced...

When you make rape jokes, people tell you they hope you get raped. Why is it that when I make fun of the president, no one tells me they hope I become president?

People say chivalry is dead, but look at the rise in date rape. In the past, no one thought to wine and dine you before they held you down and forced themselves upon you. That’s progress right there.

Are rape whistles like dog whistles, because I can hear them and I’ve never raped anyone...

I was feeling down and I called a rape advice hotline the other day. Did you know those things are only for helping victims? How unfair...

I don’t get why rape jokes get more bad press than rapes do.

Make no mistake about it: I oppose all forms of rape, unless it’s in self defense.

This isn’t so much a rape joke as a rape observation. People say rape isn’t about sex or attraction, but explain this: why has every really hot girl I ever dated been raped, but none of the plain or ugly ones were? I’m just saying... if you’ve been raped, maybe take it as a compliment (then call the police, though good luck getting them to care).

Well… that was like multiple rapes in a parking garage: wrong on so many levels.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Tale of Two Rapes

Actually… it’s two tales of rape, but whatever.

Like every non-rapist, I’m very anti-rape. I think defining rape is pretty easy. Rape is any non-consensual sex. I think that consent is also pretty easy to define: conscious approval. What I think is difficult to define is “conscious.”

If someone is wide awake and raped, there’s zero difficulty in defining what rape is. Even if consensual sex has already begun, to continue after either party says to stop constitutes rape. There’s no sensible debate about that.

It’s even easier to define rape in the context of the victim being drugged (either by the rapist, by a third party, or even if the victim knowingly took them) or passed out for any reason. If someone is unresponsive, not only is it illegal to have sex with them, you should probably take them to a hospital, or at the very least stay near to them (not on or in them) in case they experience a medical emergency.

But here’s the [unwanted] rub… when you drink or take drugs, there is a state of being between conscious and unconscious. I have friends who, on the sleep drug Ambien, have gotten in their car and driven someplace, then drove home, all without remembering it. One found out when they woke up in the parking lot at work in their pajamas. Another found out from home security footage. I’ve also have known people who made phone calls while on Ambien and who carried out entirely lucid sounding conversations.

I’ve known people to get drunk and pass in and out of consciousness. Well… more like in and out of belligerence. They’re dead weight one minute, then they’re telling you to “Shut the fuck up” after you haven’t said anything. A truly unpleasant state for all those around you.

It is this gray area of intoxication that is tough to deal with (commonly known as browning or graying out). Personally, I think it’s a bad idea to do anything with someone in this state of mind. The trouble you then face is… how do you know what state of mind they are in?

Again, it’s always easy when someone is literally just sprawled on the floor, but in reality there are varying degrees of intoxication. No one would say that someone who has had a few drinks can’t consent to sex. No one should say that someone who is eyes-rolled-in-the-back-of-your-head, mumbling drunk/drugged is able to consent. But what about the broad spectrum in between?

I don’t have an easy answer. I mean, I guess the easy answer is to buy a breathalyzer and set some arbitrary limit, then breathalyze every person you plan to have sex with. Maybe have them sign a consent form, as well. And while you’re at it, you should probably card them, to avoid statutory rape charges. Then, after you’ve done all of that, you can finally have sex, assuming either of you is still aroused.

So there is no easy answer.

With that, I’d like to tell two tales of rape that happened to friends of mine.

Someone I know was at a music show at a bar and she was pretty sure the next morning that she was drugged and molested. So, she told her friends. They deduced who they believed did it, and the blame fell on this guy that no one likes. He’s old (older by decades than the victim), has always been sleazy, is known for ripping people off, and he actually makes his living carrying around a donation box that he says goes to help some group, but really he pockets the cash and eats the food himself… a serious low life.

So at another event that he went to, some friends of the victim assaulted the accused. Nothing major, he wasn’t hospitalized. He denied the allegations. As time went on, the victim started remembering more of what happened, started talking to more people who saw her that night, and she was assured that she was probably drugged and at the very least groped… but not by the guy who had been initially accused.

The victim didn’t maliciously try to ruin this guy’s life, and luckily there is the fact that he deserves much worse than what he got for some of the shit he has pulled in the past. There’s no need to feel sorry for him; I don’t believe in karma, but if I did, this was karma incarnate. But the fact remains that someone was falsely accused, albeit justifiably and innocently accused.

He just couldn’t have done it because he was sitting at a booth with his box all night, and a lot of people saw him, while many others saw some strange guy no one knew holding up the victim at various points later in the night,

Another woman I know was out with friends drinking at a party near her place. She had just gone off to college and was more or less drinking heavily for the first time. At some point in the night, she blacked out and came to while walking alone on a street downtown, a couple miles from where she lived and had been hanging out the night before. She remembers nothing of the night. She was positive she had been drugged.

She went to the police station and submitted to drug tests, which all came up clean, except for alcohol. They told her she was lucky they didn’t charge her with underage drinking. She said she felt like she had been raped. They asked her who did it. She didn’t know, and said she had to find out what happened from the friends she was out with. She scheduled a time to come back and talk to them. She was obviously very upset at this point.

She contacted all the people she was with, something like five females and two males. They all gave her the same story: she got wasted, met some guy who was a friend of a friend of a friend, and started to leave with him. One of her female pals stepped in and tried to talk her out of it. The victim then apparently screamed at her friend and told her to mind her own business. This was definitely out of character for her.

She never went back to the police station. I don’t know if she’ll ever really find out what happened that night. She doesn’t know the guy, and she remembers nothing of meeting him or leaving with him. She doesn’t know what she did that night, what was done to her, or even how she got back outside, dressed and on the street with all her things. It’s possible he just brought her to his place to crash on his couch and then told her she had to leave in the morning. It’s also possible he (or who knows who else) raped her.

It’s hard when the victim is unable to give an account of what happened, even during points when they seemed completely conscious to all friendly observers. It’s even harder when it gets to the point where the couple has enough privacy that there are no other witnesses. If the only person who remembers anything is the person accused of rape… how are you supposed to piece together any sort of reliable narrative of what happened?

I decided to contact her and ask her about the incident again, and to get permission to tell her story. One thing she said kind of initially shocked me.

She told me that her incident would have been similar to if she had come to in the middle of the street with a pain in her back like she got hit by a car. Obviously, the driver isn’t excused from hitting her, but she was an idiot for wandering aimlessly in the street. It’s not that she’s to blame. She wasn’t asking for it. She was just playing with fire while totally shit-faced.

But she’s quick to point out that women should still feel able to go out and party. Just because someone has been hit by a car doesn’t mean you never again try to cross the road. She seems more upset with herself for getting so drunk, and she has since gotten that drunk again. She’s gotten drunk and woken up in bed with an ex she hadn’t talked to in months. He said she knocked on his door early in the morning and threw herself at him.

So… she doesn’t even seem to have changed her habits. She appears to see it as a calculated risk she’s willing to take. To each their own.

I don’t care what anyone says… when you mix intoxicants and sex, there is the possibility for a legal gray area. Every law has a gray area. Even murder has one. Sure, if you murder someone while you were so wasted, but you can’t remember it… you’re still guilty. But we make allowances for self-defense, and there is definitely a gray area there regarding what constitutes a threat worthy of lethal force.

No one wants it to be open to debate. It would be so much easier if we just had simple ways of delineating what is right and what is wrong. We don’t live in that reality, though. I wish we did, but we don’t. We live in a reality where our perception and memory are not flawless. Without the video, photos and text messages, I don’t think the Steubenville rape case would have been so open and shut. Is the answer to have cameras everywhere? To video everything? I don’t know… but if we did, that would result in a lot of child porn being generated by amorous teenagers.

There are no simple answers in some situations.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Down With the Boy Scouts

Ah, Boy Scouts… I never got beyond Cub Scout myself, but I enjoyed playing with knives and fire so much that I never gave it up. I just stopped wasting time at those stupid meetings, and I don’t miss wearing those fruity outfits. Frankly, I’m happy to have gotten out before I earned my Molestation Badge. Between Scouts and the Catholic Church, I definitely dodged two bullets in my childhood.

You find a lot of similarities between the Catholic Church and Boy Scouts, besides the child abuse and institutional cover-ups. You also have God, for some reason. I know most atheists would focus on the God stuff (and by extension, their anti-homosexual agenda), and that’s fine. That’s a fair point, I suppose. But I look at the Boy Scouts as being more like the Pledge of Allegiance… you can take God out, but why bother with it at all?

Seriously… what is the point of Boy Scouts? Unless you think the Hunger Games was a poignantly accurate look into our dystopian future, there’s really no use in the traditional survivalist skills being taught in Boy Scouts. Well, no scratch that… there may be some use, but I can’t think of any legal reason why you need to be skilled with knots today, in the 20th 21st century.

Some people are undoubtedly in favor of fixing the Boy Scouts, but I say scratch the whole concept and start over. Today’s kids need real skills, and they’d be better off learning how to use and program computers than learning how to build a fire with just some wood and your ass hair. Kids could even be doing something that was actually fun, as opposed to sleeping outside like homeless people.

When are you ever going to use camping skills today? I mean… besides waiting in line for the next iPhone or Peter Jackson epic…

We also need an organization with updated attire. Can we all just agree on jeans and a t-shirt? And not “Kick My Ass” orange, like I had to wear as a cub scout. Maybe just a plain black t-shirt, that way everyone looks like they’re about to do stand-up comedy. That seems a lot less militaristic (and strangely fetishistic) than the current uniforms… which I think make Scouts look like a bunch of little Officer Dangles from Reno 911.

In deciding whether to just scrap Scouts altogether, I thought I would look up whether there have been any famous people who were in the organization, men who were perhaps molded by it. I just wanted to get a feel for what society might be missing out on if we got rid of the group entirely. So, here’s just a few of the names you might recognize from the list of Former Scouts:

George W. Bush (current worst President of the century)
Bill Clinton (blowjob aficionado)
Barack Obama (current second-worst President of the century)
Ted Bundy (women’s hacktivist)
Richard Gere (gerbil lover)
Jimmy Buffett (professional alcoholic)
Jim Morrison (Lizard King)
Jimmy Stewart (went to Washington)

Oh, and the list gets even more interesting when you look at just those who achieved the highest rank of Eagle Scout:

Donald Rumsfeld (popularized waterboarding)
L. Ron Hubbard (alien worshipper)
Fred Phelps (hates fags)
Michael Moore (baseball cap enthusiast)
Michael Bloomberg (anti-soda crusader)
Steven Spielberg (college drop-out)
Gerald Ford (only unelected President)
Rick Perry (Governor, Presidential candidate, and… um, I forgot the third one)

The more I look into it, the more it seems like Boy Scouts is a worthless, meaningless, and altogether useless organization, one which is required by law to be provided space to use on government land, including public elementary and secondary schools, parks, and other facilities. The ACLU has already successfully fought to end direct sponsorship by US military bases and schools, which before 2004 had held the charters of over 10,000 Scouting troops.

I certainly don’t agree with the creed the Boy Scouts live by:

Scout Oath
On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake, and morally straight.

I love how they snuck in “morally straight.” And the “Scout Law” is even worse:

Scout Law: A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

Obedience is pretty bad, and I can’t ever respect someone who pledges to be obedient, but I think the worst has to be “cheerful.” I cannot abide someone who is cheerful; cheerful people should be put out of my misery. I’m also not too keen on the idea of being “reverent.”

Which brings me back to the Pledge of Allegiance, and I suppose religion. Kids don’t even understand what is going on here. They don’t know what “reverent” means. How does a kid take an oath to “do [his] duty to God and [his] country” when he’s in 2nd or 3rd grade? How does a 2nd grader even do his duty to God and country? I feel that if by that age you aren’t picking your nose and wiping it on the underside of your desk, you’re ahead of the curve… but I can’t imagine you’re capable of taking on the Ruskies.

We as a society shouldn’t be foisting complex – and often controversial – ideas on children, nor should we have them mindlessly drone on about upholding petty ideals they don’t even understand. I don’t think any of this crap is particularly noble, but even if you’re the sort of twisted fuck who cherishes such notions… you ought to be ashamed of pushing this stuff on children.

Kids should be learning, not pledging oaths. Kids should be finding out what they believe, not being told what to believe. But perhaps most importantly, kids should be part of an organization that sells delicious cookies, not stale popcorn.

And that is why, if I have a son, he’s not going to be a Boy Scout; he’s going to be a Girl Scout.