I hope black people aren’t offended by being associated with awesome foods like watermelon or fried chicken. If your race had to be pegged as liking a certain food, I think black people may have won. The only food that comes to mind when I think of a white person is a cracker.
The greatest moment is when you cancel your cable and they want their box back. I tell them they can pick it up at my house sometime between 8am and 7pm, whenever I happen to be available. Then I leave the country for a week.
I think what I like most about Jerry Falwell is that you can piss on his grave.
If someone offered me a slightly stale sandwich and I declined, they wouldn’t chide me by saying, “What, you would rather eat an old shoe?” And yet, this is what Obama supporters do on a daily basis when I say I’m not voting for him.
Every day, I spend a little time researching three things. First, I look to see what Republicans are saying. Next, I find out what Democrats are saying. After that, I go to a closet, scream for a bit, and then find out what’s actually happening.
Anyone who thinks that you would want to be on welfare has never been on welfare.
What if Mitt Romney is a liberal conspiracy to get Obama re-elected? I’d certainly have more respect for the Democrats...
When I hear someone say that they would never “stoop” to adopting the effective tactics of their enemies, it sounds to me like soldiers who don’t want to lay low in a ditch while under fire because it might get their pretty uniform dirty.
I think the moderator of the first presidential debate was a replacement referee.
Mitt Romney is being trumpeted by the media as the winner of last night’s debate. Ask Newt Gingrich how important that is...
Whenever someone brings up genetic engineering, some idiot always says something about how it will result in a bunch of blonde-haired, blue-eyed kids. Right... because I guess it will be overseen by Hitler’s ghost.
You ever fart and have the smell make you wonder if perhaps you should change your diet?
I don’t have insomnia, but sometimes there are so many things I want to read that I stay up until 4am.
“No one’s perfect” is the last defense of every monster who hopes they may slip away as merely being misunderstood.
Facebook discourages personal development, because part of changing who you are is coming into contact with people who are different, who disagree with you, and who see the world in another way. It’s easier to unfriend or block someone than to grow as a person.
I find that people exclude others in the name “creating a safe place,” because that sounds so much better than admitting to being prejudiced and intolerant.
I find it odd that some feminists waste their time policing language and demanding everything be gender-neutralized... and yet they call themselves “feminists,” not “personists” or “equalists.” I am not suggesting they change the name of their movement... because changing language doesn’t fix anything.
One of the most common and dangerous moral traps one can fall into is to believe that you should treat others the way you have been treated.
I find it odd that I see so many women criticizing how other women look... and it’s also women who complain about how our society has such tough physical standards for women.
Atheism isn’t so much a religion as a process of elimination.
The best I can tell, a “first-world nation” is one that treats it’s citizens well while dropping bombs on the third-world.
I sometimes wonder why the elderly are so stupid and clueless about a great many things, when I was taught that the old are wise. Then, I learned that during the Great Depression, schools were closed. The older generations have more high school drop-outs and illiterates than the supposed delinquents growing up today. In short, it’s not that the old got stupid, they’ve just always been stupid.
Commenting on Facebook is sort of like gambling in a casino: it’s all about knowing when to quit.
I wanted to get my dog fixed, but I decided to save the money and just teach him how to play Dungeons and Dragons.
Why do Christians oppose casual sex? It’s just sex, you shouldn’t have to put on a tie.
I think we should update the voting process, but since America is so far behind, we aren’t ready for internet voting yet. I think we should get the ball rolling and elect our public officials via the radio. The 9th caller gets to be president, if you know the phrase that pays.
What I don’t get about Obama supporters is that they simultaneously claim he was a good president with many accomplishments... but that he wasn’t able to do anything because of Republicans.
If I want to be Obama for Halloween, would it be racist to go in half-black face?
Sometimes I slip and say something out of habit, like, “Thank God.” I would feel bad, but I’m just not worried about going to Atheist Hell.
If tribes in America developed guns and crossed the Atlantic first, I’d be sitting on a reservation in Europe complaining about how these heathens who practice human sacrifice and cannibalism stole my land.
Getting angry at Christopher Columbus is like blaming Einstein for Hiroshima.
At some point, Democrats and Republicans are going to have to exist peacefully, side by side. For most of them, I imagine this will only happen in a cemetery.
Democrats have turned into what they hate about Republicans, and vice versa, because Democrats trample on civil liberties as they bomb foreigners, while Republican spending is out of control.
How to compromise in a marriage: if one person wants to do something, and the second person doesn’t want to, the compromise is to do it while the second person complains.
If PBS is closed down by Republicans, I predict that Bert and Ernie will get a new show on Logo.
Nobody I know who has had one regrets getting an abortion; they regret getting pregnant.
What if instead of one soul, we have two, and each takes turns... like a sort of bi-psychle
I hate coughing up blood. It makes me rethink my decision to inhale blood.
I don’t mind being a childish fool. Sometimes it takes a childish fool to point out the emperor has no clothes.
Democrats are more excited about the idea of voting than their actual candidates. It’s like someone who just wants to have sex with whoever will say “yes” (as opposed to Republicans, who want to have sex with everyone who says No).
A generation that leaves it’s children and grandchildren in debt does not deserve retirement.
If you know that telling someone not to do something will make them more inclined to do it, you’re already smarter than the God of Abraham.
I’ll believe that children are our future when old people stop making decisions that screw us over for decades.
Why is the Affordable Healthcare Act a failure? Well, for starters, it’s not a success when America’s poor still can’t get healthcare that is on-par with convicted murderers.
I don’t think anyone over 65 should be allowed to vote. If you probably aren’t going to be around in 20 years, you shouldn’t be making decisions that affect those who will.
How do I know being rich won’t make you happy? Because the wealthy have everything, and they still want more.
I think instead of bombs, we should drop porn on Islamic countries. That should do it.
My wife fell asleep during the presidential debates. That about sums it up.
If you are unable to tell your friend when they are wrong, it would be better for both of you if you become enemies.
To believe the government can fix everything is foolish and naive, but to believe the government can fix nothing is worse; it’s libertarian.
I sometimes get the feeling that Obama knows what he’s talking about, but has no idea what he’s doing.
You know what would make lawn work so much easier? A lightsaber.
I think it’s important to live your life in such a way that no one will ever want to join your fan club.
I think the problem with the world is that the pre-internet generation hasn’t died off yet. Older people got into a habit of fighting over who was right, because they lacked the tools to easily discover the truth, whereas now... we can just Google it, find out who was right, then move on.
Seeing Democrats mocking Republicans for being corrupt warmongers seems eerily similar to Christians who make fun of Scientologists for being duped into joining a cult.
If you feel the need to tell other people what they should find beautiful, you’re an ugly person.
If your self-esteem is dependent on how attractive you are, you deserve to want to die.
You ever find yourself near someone in public who is talking to themselves... and there is that awkward few seconds as you try to find out if they’re just a normal person or crazy?
I don’t think the old get to criticize the young for anything in America until they pay their debts. I think the people who are actually going to pay should be the ones complaining.
“Being offended” is your brain’s lazy attempt to not have to think.
I can’t tell if I’m balding or if I’m capable of living in denial for a while longer.
No company is going to lay people off when Obama is re-elected. CEOs only care about having more money, and you don’t earn more money by shrinking your business. These rich snobs remind me of a kid threatening to hold their breath until they get their way.
Third parties never accomplish anything, just ask Abraham Lincoln.
I sort of get why so many people want to help animals in a world where so many people suffer. Most people are beyond help, but most animals are not.
As far as I can tell, the only selling point for the Democratic Party at the moment is, “We’re not Republicans.”
When election day comes, I won’t be voting for Obama. I would like nothing more than for Obama to win and go on to have a great second term, but when that probably doesn’t happen and he goes back to being a mediocre conservative, I will be glad to have not been a part of it.
If you’re too afraid to fail, you’re also too afraid to succeed.
I saw a product today that seemed like something I would have come up with, and I’m angry I didn’t think of it first. It’s called Perky Jerky, and it’s caffeinated beef jerky. But wait, it gets better. They also make a poultry product called Turkey Perky Jerky. Brilliant... absolutely brilliant.
Democrats are very upset with Romney for saying things that people want to hear, just to get elected. That’s Obama’s job.
It used to be difficult to explain to people how in the past, religion and government were one in the same. Now, thanks to modern Republicans, we have an accessible example.
There is so much hostility over third parties because the wealthy don’t want there to be another group of politicians they have to buy.
The biggest difference between George W. Bush and Mitt Romney is that Mitt Romney will never be president.
Is it too much to ask for a presidential candidate with facial hair? And no, it’s not sexist. It’s about time we have a Greek woman in the White House.
Republicans cannot point to Fast and Furious without looking stupid. Let me get this straight... guns make us safer... unless the government sells them... then they make us less safe?
America has an interesting system of immigration. Basically, we spend our money making the rest of the world unlivable, then we complain about people coming to America to avoid the foreign and economic policies that caused them to move.
People have a limited capacity for good, and an unlimited capacity for bad. This explains a lot.
I was beginning to think I shouldn’t use words like “bitch” and “cunt,” but then I thought, “Why do I care what a bunch of bitches and cunts think?”
The problem with liberals is that they’ll silence you for name-calling, but not for lying. As a result, lying is part of legitimate debate, while name-calling is blasphemy against the belief that we are each godlike.
Mitt Romney wants every child to grow up in a household with at least two parents... but why stop at two?
In America, there are only two classes: the working class and the rich. The working class work for their money. With the rich, their money works for them.
The answer to all of our problems is to question everything.
You know what’s really patriotic and mature? Pretending you are going to leave the country if your guy doesn’t win the election.
I don’t make fun of both Romney and Obama because I want to be fair, I do it because they’re both douches.
I’ve solved the immigration problem and the drug problem in this country. I think we should give citizenship to anyone who crosses the border with narcotics. There, I killed two birds with one stoned.
I think if you lose a presidential election, the winner should get all of your money.
“Censor” is the politically correct term for “bitch.”
There is nothing more offensive than censorship.
What makes most censors such cowards is that they don’t even acknowledge that they are censors. They think that since they are not the government sending me off to some gulag, then “censor” shouldn’t apply to them. And yet, I call you a censor because you wouldn’t appreciate it if I called you a pussy. That’s self-censorship. See how versatile that word is?
If you ever feel like I’ve offended you, realize that what I’m actually thinking is always much worse. I never get any credit for all the awful things I don’t say...
I don’t know why anyone is surprised by the Boy Scouts pedophile scandal. Whenever you have Christians making a big show of keeping gay people away from children, you can be sure someone is getting molested.
I don’t understand why atheists go on and on about religious people being stupid. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. I’ve explained atheism to children and the mentally challenged without any problem, so it’s not about how smart you are. Religious people are just willfully uninterested in the truth.
I don’t miss being single, even though I was surprisingly successful with the ladies, despite my below average looks (below average is being charitable... I’m a 3/10, maybe a 4 after a good haircut). But even though I was with way more amazing women than I had any right to be with, I was always a gentleman. I insisted on paying for the abortions.
Some part of me is going to miss all the political talk after the election. Another part wants to strangle the first part.
I don’t see why people are so upset about Ann Romney pointing out that her sons did mission work rather than going into the military. I don’t like religion, but even I can acknowledge that trying to convert people to Mormonism isn’t as bad as murdering Muslims.
If you want to know what Republicans are up to, just listen to what they accuse Democrats of doing: spending too much money, ruining the economy, rigging elections... and if you want to know what Democrats are doing, the answer is always the same: nothing.
Sadly, there is no polite way to explain to someone that they need to shut the fuck up and listen.
America just may destroy itself in defense of the freedom to be dumb.
I wish Obama would reach across the aisle and work with liberals.
It’s not that I don’t believe in depression... I just believe more firmly is getting over it.
I don’t understand people who abuse drugs. I treat mine very humanely.
I’ve never been in an orgy, and I don’t think I would know how to handle it. The etiquette alone is a mystery to me. Like, once I start having sex with someone, can I just pull out and have sex with someone else without cleaning up first, or is that frowned upon like double-dipping?
Those who do nothing always complain about how little is done by those who act.
When an athlete says they give 110%, I assume the extra 10% is steroids.
My wife and I have been trying some exciting things in the bedroom department. Unfortunately, we’ve been banned from Ikea.
How do I know I live a charmed life of privilege? I have been given everything I never wanted.
Some people say I’m crazy, but there are others who don’t know me.
I went to college to earn a BS, and I have to say... it is aptly named.
Never trust the people you know over the people who know.
Identity is an illusion people conjure when they are too lazy to let their actions speak for themselves.
Talking to old people about how to fix their computers can be as frustrating as talking about religion with... well, old people.
Blocking someone on Facebook seems about as smart as believing that if you close your eyes, the whole world disappears.
I don’t understand why people get offended by words like “pussy” or “cunt,” but no one cares if you call someone a “boob.” Who decides which body parts are offensive?
Religion isn’t so bad. I’ve read the Bible several times now without incident. It’s religious people you have to watch out for.
I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare where I was acting polite.
I would love to live on Mars. Days there last 24 hours and 37 minutes. I think that little bit of extra time is enough for me to actually stay on top of things while getting enough sleep.
I think it’s too much to ask for Americans to be smarter, but can we at least get the people they copy their ideas from to be smarter?
Does it seem odd to anyone else that people are allowed to vote early before the third debate has even taken place?
Elections are sort of like the World Cup. You aren’t sure of who will win, but you can be sure America will lose.
I think the conservative strategy has been to create so many problems that liberals can’t even agree on what to fix first.
I never weigh myself, so it’s hard for me to relate to others how successful my diet and exercise routine is. I use a different set of metrics: I’ve gone down 3 belt sizes and I can last about 6 more minutes on top (I’m up to seven minutes now).
There’s nothing quite like being given a lecture on how much privilege I have from someone via their mobile smartphone.
Blaming non-voters for the politicians we have is like a girl who is raped at a party blaming everyone who didn’t show up.
Forget cell phones, I’m going to tell my kids about way back in the day when luggage didn’t have wheels and we had to carry it everywhere.
In the future, the answer to every question in a debate will be, “It’s on my website.”
I think Mitt Romney’s best selling point on foreign policy is that you know he’s well liked abroad by how many millions of dollars foreigners are donating to his campaign.
Bacon is so good, I cannot believe it’s still legal.
I am going to set out to learn at least one new thing every day. Today, I learned how hard it is to learn something new.
Well, I found something worse than a person who will block you: someone who will never shut up about how much they’re offended by what you say.
Whoever said liberals were more tolerant never disagreed with one.
I don’t understand why vulgar terms are sometimes called “slurs.” Would people prefer if we enunciate better when we insult them?
Words have power, but they lack the power to change most people. Rather, words have the power to reveal a person; they can make a thoughtful person think, an angry person anger, and boy can they offend the easily offended... but change never comes from the words of others, only from the quiet reflection of those who listen.
I feel bad for young people with sexual fetishes. What kinds of things are they going to have to do to get off when they get old? Save something for retirement, kids.
Sky Mall was so much more amazing before there was internet.
Let’s be honest... you spent most of the last 4 years not paying attention, and now you’re just casting a vote for the same party you always vote for. Explain to me again how non-voters are ruining America.
I don’t really get why atheists recommend that believers read Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens or Sam Harris. If I could recommend a religious person read one book that would make them an atheist, it would have to be the Bible.
My wife said she heard an owl. It was me wheezing.
It’s not that society depresses me, it just doesn’t impress me.
If I could magically make all the world believe one particular idea to be true, I wouldn’t.
So far, the biggest difference I’ve seen between George W. Bush and Barack Obama is that Obama is black... and technically, that’s only half of a difference.
Obama has made killing Muslims popular... which I guess makes Bush a hipster for doing it before it was cool.
If Monsanto destroys the world, I think we should call it “farmageddon.”
I find that my best ideas come when I’m very tired and I’ve forgotten who originally said it.
I consider myself an “environmental voter.” I won’t vote for someone who killed a bunch of trees to send me crap in the mail.
Dogs and kids are nothing alike. For example, I’ve never wanted to hit another person’s dog.
I think we should let felons vote, but stop letting them run for office.
Whenever I try to formulate a feminist compliment for my wife, it never turns out right. “You have a very sexy mind. I totally want to mind fuck you...”
We lie and say that our troops “die for our freedom” because that sounds a lot better than admitting they die for nothing.
I’ve heard the argument made several times now that insults like “cunt” are unfair for men to use because nothing a woman can say will ever compare. Bullshit. Now... I don’t want to give anything away, but if you really want to insult a guy, tell him he has a tiny penis. That is the worst insult for either gender, by far. Why? Because anyone can stop acting like a cunt, but you can’t do anything about having a small penis... trust me, I’ve tried everything.
I find it odd that Democrats are welcoming Colin Powell’s endorsement of Obama. The last thing he endorsed was the Iraq War... not a good track record.
Modern art isn’t dead, it’s just in the process of reincarnating.
If corporations are people, does that mean failing to keep a company alive before it goes public is an abortion?
I’ll never understand why being sure of one thing causes some people to see me as being a “know-it all.” Look, I can barely fill out a check without help... I don’t know everything.
You know who I feel bad for? Diabetic kids on Halloween.
When you set out for revenge, be sure to dig two graves: one for your target, and another for any witnesses.
I don’t believe in the Pope.
Every time I hear an adult use the word “bully,” I have an uncontrollable urge to give them a swirlie.
It’s interesting that Democrats would like to blame non-voters if Romney gets elected, but non-voters won’t get any credit when Obama is re-elected... even though they could have just as easily have voted for Romney.
This election year, Republicans complain about things Obama had nothing to do with, while Democrats complain that Romney will do things Obama is already doing. It’s enough to make you give up on Americans.
Remember: the media gets better ratings when the election looks close. I think it’s safe for Democrats to start planning their victory parties now, and Republicans can start polishing their guns.
If someone ever brainwashes my kid, I’ll just have to make their mind dirty again.
Now that parents don’t spank their kids anymore, will being put in time out become a sexual fetish?
We need real heroes, not cancer survivors and soldiers.
I think the only thing I don’t like about America is Americans.
I always assume that a person who won’t admit who they voted for is either embarrassed or a pussy.
A liberal voting for Obama is like giving a participation trophy to a loser.
I had a relationship with Jesus for a while, then I found out he was cheating on me with billions of people.
If I had a nickel for every time I made someone laugh, I’d probably be dead from an overdose by now.
People have asked me if I act the same way in person that I do online. I’m pretty much the same both places, except I can’t throat punch anyone online.
Idea for Texas State Fair: Crucifried Jesus, fish sticks in the shape of a cross with a little gummy bear on it.
There is a little truth in all of my jokes, except those pertaining to me having a small penis. There’s a lot of truth in those jokes.
Sex is better than humor, if only because jokes aren’t funny after a dozen times.
I had to take a drug test recently. The good news is I passed. The bad news is I need to find a better dealer.
I’ve only performed on stage once in my life, as one of the Roman executioners in a live performance of “The Passion of the Christ.” I nailed it.
I have come to the conclusion that Republicans nominated Mitt Romney because they wanted Obama re-elected. Congratulations on killing liberalism in America. Seriously, well played.
You know how there is a “Do Not Call” list? I want a “Do Not Mail” list I can sign up for, just for political junk mail.
Millions are without power in the Northeast for the 2nd day in a row. Meanwhile, billions are without power in Africa and Southeast Asia for... well, ever.
I study history, not because I think I can stop it from repeating, but so that I can sing along when it does.
I think I like Halloween better as an adult. It’s less walking, I get the joy of making other people happy, and I have the money to buy whatever candy I want the next day at low, low prices.
Looking at how well the government works during a crisis, I almost wish we were facing a constant series of disasters. Given how much we’ve let the country turn to shit, I just might get that wish.
When I hear the old chiding my generation for being upset with the government because “the young don’t understand how government works,” I can’t help but look at the government that the old have been electing for decades and think, “I’m positive that the old have no clue how government works.”
Some Christian parents fear their children will turn out gay, and frankly I can relate to that. I sometimes worry that when I have kids, they’ll turn out to be Christians.
Conservatives say that liberals want government to solve all our problems. The truth is, liberals want government to fix the problems no one else is fixing, because only the government can or will.
Patience is only a virtue for immortals.
Republicans seriously want us to believe that a guy who couldn’t get a jobs bill passed will become a fascist dictator.
Republicans are in a tough spot, because even deciding to do the right thing won’t look good coming from them at this point. Can you imagine how it would be interpreted if Republicans suggested providing free “inoculations” for the poor?
America is too great of a nation for Democrats or Republicans to ruin it. It takes both working together to make it crumble.
If you vote for a third party, you might be wasting your vote. If you vote for a Democrat or a Republican, you’re definitely wasting your vote.
Because I vote for a third party, I am told that I don’t understand how the government works. How strange... because I vote for a third party due to the fact that I am well acquainted with how the government doesn’t work.
If I were Obama, the first thing I would do after winning the election would be to have Mitt Romney audited.
How do I know voting for a third party is a good idea? Because both Republicans and Democrats think it’s a bad idea.
For me, the choice in any presidential election is between a third party candidate and not voting. I think voting third party makes more of a statement, so I go with that.
I think it was a poor choice for Republicans to court the rapist vote. Someone should have warned them that felons can’t vote in most states.
I wonder if the South is so red because they’re embarrassed...
Colorado legalized marijuana. Looks like the next time I go skiing, I will be hitting the trees.
States legalizing marijuana, actual liberals being elected to the House and Senate... it’s almost enough to cancel out Obama being re-elected!
With Obama’s re-election, women can rest easy knowing their vaginas are safe... unless you live in Afghanistan or Pakistan... in which case, watch your back.
Right now, I’m having a good laugh at the wealthy Romney donors who basically threw billions of dollars into a hole and lit it on fire.
I love pork balls. Now, I know how that sounds, but I assure you, it’s not what you’re thinking. It’s not some pork dish shaped into a ball, I mean pig testicles.
The ghost of bigfoot told me that aliens killed JFK.
Claiming Obama won because Democrats suppressed Republican voters is like saying Mitt Romney lost because he’s black.
The true talent of the Republican Party is that they are able to convince people that the wealthy and well-off are actually victims. This is a concept that even the world’s greatest thinkers would be unable to argue, at least while keeping a straight face.