The idea of putting tin foil on your head to stop your mind from being read never made sense to me. Don’t you put tin foil on an antenna when you want better reception? I think the whole idea of a tin foil hat is a conspiracy to make our minds easier to read!
There is no single myth more persistent than the unwavering belief that things are getting worse, and yet no one would rather be living in the past if they knew what it was like.
Just be yourself... but if that doesn’t work, be someone better.
I’m going to start my own company that makes computers. I’m going to call it “Orange,” so that when people say they aren’t as good as Apple computers, I can say, “You can’t compare them.”
In my experience, a Libertarian is someone who demands that the government treat people better than he treats others.
I find that for most people, the hardest part about Photoshop is getting it.
Republicans realized they have an image problem, so they’re going to adopt the Democrat strategy of paying lip service to people right before they screw them over.
When tax season rolls around, I am so glad I married a Jewish statistics professor. I’m not even sure I can even add two-digit numbers anymore.
Owning guns will never mean you’re a tough guy. It means you’re afraid.
I think you should live your life in such a way that if someone saw the movie of it, they wouldn’t believe it happened.
I oppose capital punishment, except for the wealthy. It’s only fair, since they have all the capital.
You know what the funniest thing is? Watching the right-wing act upset about drone assassinations. I get why liberals would be upset about it, but I get the feeling that Republicans are just angry they didn’t think of it first.
Religions are lies, not errors. An error at least implies a good-faith attempt at having conveyed what was genuinely thought to be the truth.
I care about what others think, I just don’t care about what unthinking people say.
Too many believers feel the need to say, “You’re free to ‘believe’ evolution or science or whatever.” First of all... there’s a difference between belief and knowledge, but let’s set that aside for a second. Why does any religious person think I want or need their permission to accept observable truths? Oh right... because for most of religious history, they made sure people were NOT free to do so... I almost forgot.
If only Trayvon Martin had been armed... he might have been able to look guilty.
Just to be clear... Republicans are upset about drones killing a couple people. They’re also pissed off that we aren’t already bombing and killing millions of Iranians... am I missing something?
With all the actual problems with religion... it astounds me that some atheists feel the need to make stuff up or exaggerate.
Even if God spoke the universe into existence, I wouldn’t be impressed. I can imagine thousands of gods in my head, all of which can do it without uttering even a word. One of them even looks like a naked Sofia Vergara...
If the idea of Obama having the power to kill a US citizen with drones doesn’t scare you, just remember: someday, another Republican will be president, and they will have the same power. Ah, now it’s a frightening thought, huh?
If people learn from their mistakes, why does your car insurance go up after an accident?
There’s a movie called, “The Last Exorcism 2.” Do I even need to explain why this is a paradox?
With the lisp and bottle reach, I think Marco Rubio is officially the Waterboy.
If abortion is murder, why do fetuses taste nothing like children?
It doesn’t matter if a girl is on the pill: wear a condom. Pregnancy isn’t the worst thing that can happen. You can’t abort herpes.
I think the only reason to write satire is to identify stupid people.
I think I have the Benjamin Button disease, only in reverse.
I hope George W. Bush donates his body to science. They’ve been looking for the missing link forever.
I’ve never trusted people with attached earlobes.
I’ll never forget losing my virginity... I still have the arrest report.
Conservative: one who thinks everything is broken, but nothing should change
I’m not sure I’ve ever convinced anyone of anything, but I know this: I have, at times, made those who agree with me laugh, and I have, at times, made those who disagree with me upset. In this regard, I have been very successful.
When liberal religious people claim that it’s not fair to judge a religion by its fundamentalists, I have to wonder... why shouldn’t I judge a religion by those who most literally and faithfully follow its exact wording? Perhaps they should consider the fact that, as a general rule, good religious people are good because they’re bad at actually following their religion.
If I could spontaneously burn down every church, I wouldn’t. I would much rather they become museums, not rubble.
If you create a shitstorm, don’t complain about the smell.
Why is Congress dysfunctional? Well... imagine 10 friends want to go out to dinner. Six want to get Chinese food, and four want to get burgers. So, they decide to just go hungry. That’s Congress.
Never give oral sex after eating jalapenos. Trust me...
Love is being able to fart in front of someone. My dogs have loved me since day one.
I don’t get the idea of going to atheist events. Part of the fun of being an atheist is having my entire weekend to myself.
I look forward to Republicans having power again one day. Democrats need another lesson in how to actually be critical of their government.
If the world was going to end next week, I wouldn’t change anything about how I was living. Well... I would probably do less laundry, but otherwise...
I think the idea of hell is more believable than heaven. I can wrap my head around the concept of constant, eternal suffering... but eternal happiness sounds ridiculous to me, especially when so many people you knew and loved are suffering eternally.
I don’t think it’s wrong that sometimes I stand by a car in the parking lot just to see who gets into a vehicle with bumper stickers which are THAT stupid. What’s wrong is when I do that while holding a baseball bat.
The problem with the people who support the major political parties in America is purely anatomical. Republicans lack brains and hearts, while Democrats lack spines and balls.
The talk about violent video games makes me question America’s sanity. When people get shot in the real world, our first thought isn’t to ban real guns, it’s to ban virtual ones.
I kind of feel bad for Jesus. His last meal was wine and bread... what a boring final meal. Maybe there was more available but not mentioned in the Bible, though I will say this: he drank so much that the next day, he was still hammered.
When Bush called himself “the decider,” I wonder if he realized how linguistically similar that is to “the dictator.”
If human beings were computer hardware and religion was the operating system, I think Christianity would be Windows Millennium Edition.
It’s not “okay” to mock someone’s religion. It’s hilarious.
All you need is love, so long as someone who has food, water and shelter loves you.
The three steps to becoming a hero:
3. Have someone sing about you
I’ve never found slang to be as offensive as “proper” words used offensively. Like... calling someone a “cunt” or a “pussy” or a “bitch” is not nearly as bad to me as saying, “Quit acting like a woman.” Slang words take on additional meanings, but “acting like a woman” demeans the female gender, specifically and undeniably.
Those who censor themselves are also more likely to censor others. Perhaps their attitude is, “If I can’t say what I really think, neither should you.”
If you disagree with anyone online, ever, you have to be prepared for them to accuse you of being a violent and rabid opponent of everything good in this world.
I have a question for conservatives: if someone works a full-time job, should they be able to afford to live?
If you can’t take a joke, then I can’t take you seriously.
Republicans believe in equality, but not the same kind of equality most of us would want. Like... a Republican thinks it’s fair if everyone gets a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk for lunch. If you’re lactose intolerant, tough. And if you’re allergic to peanuts, at least you have a choice: starve or die.
I find it ironic that when I debate with most libertarians or anarchists... you know... people who demand total freedom... they have a lot of rules when it comes to how you can discuss their politics.
I’m not a humanist because I don’t believe in humans. I mean... they exist... but I don’t put much faith in them.
Democrats are at their best when they are doing what they promised to do, and Republicans are at their best when they do none of what they promised. Unfortunately for us, Democrats aren’t dependable, and Republicans are.
Nothing is more dangerous than obedience, not even the person giving orders. A tyrant without devotees is just another frustrated asshole.
The irony of libertarianism and anarchism is that, without the government protecting their right to free speech, someone would have silenced their idiocy a long time ago.
The criminals who are caught are hung by the criminals who are not.
When I comment online, I don’t care about the numbers when it comes to people disagreeing with me. You can have more people on your side, so long as the truth is on mine.
Whenever I see someone criticize “Western medicine,” my only thought is: why don’t you go suck some tiger testicles? No, I’m not trying to insult you, that’s a prescription for Eastern medicine. Have a ball.
If I were a Superhero, I would probably be Dinner Party Man. I somehow manage to both finish my meal first AND tell the most anecdotes before doing so, all while avoiding talking with my mouth full. [The secret is to swallow and never chew.]
The story of the Ten Commandments kind of confuses me. You have this guy go up on a mountain alone and come down with these rules... okay, let’s move past the craziness of that for a second. The part that confuses me is this: Moses comes back down with these commandments that no one has ever seen... and then gets really angry at people for having broken one of them, despite having never heard them. How does that make any fucking sense?
Religion isn’t bullshit, it’s holy shit.
Reading the Bible isn’t enough to make one a non-Christian. It also helps if you actually understand what it says.
If you’re afraid of the US oppressing its people through military force, the answer is simple: you don’t need more guns, which won’t do shit against tanks and stealth bombers. You need to cut military spending.
Is it possible to be a misogynist if you have no respect for men, either?
You can identify a hard-worker the same way you identify a transsexual: it’s all in the hands.
Earnest Hemingway wrote a six-word short story...
“For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”
I decided to take my own crack at it.
“For sale: rape table, barely used.”
I have written “The Final Testament,” which is composed of a single book: the Gospel of Bret. The book itself is composed of only one verse: “So he came back as a fetus and was aborted, for he could not bear to face us again.”
Almost everyone hates racists, but racists only hate a minority of people. How fair is that?
I had this plan where I would take advantage of how gullible most people are and get them to give me money, all while providing them nothing in return, but I got sued by the clergy for stealing their idea.
If beautiful sunsets are proof of God, is childhood leukemia proof that there is no God?
I have far more sympathy for gay men than gay women. A lot of people give lesbians a pass, but gay men are seen as being gross by more people. I think we should give gay men the right to marry one year before lesbians, just to compensate.
Christianity is said to be monotheistic, but I am not convinced. I have met a lot of Christians, but none of them seem to describe the same God. It’s almost as if there are as many Christian Gods as there are Christians...
Here’s my problem with James Bond: I can suspend belief that thousands of villains with machine guns all miss him over the course of unloading endless clips for two hours. What I don’t believe is that women want to sleep with him after he uses those horrible puns.
What if everything you thought you knew about conspiracies was wrong... oh, you don’t believe any? Hmm, you’re probably correct, then.
It occurred to me that churches are indistinguishable from the mob. Both rely on making vague threats and having you pay to be protected. Plus, neither pays taxes.
I am always amused by the likes of Alex Jones, Lew Rockwell and their ilk. They accuse the “mainstream media” of rampant dishonesty and bias, which is like the crackpot calling the kettle black.
I think we should all just acknowledge that the term “reverse racism” is dumb and pointless at this time. I think we should give it a new meaning, one which is not redundant (since “reverse racism” is just racism). “Reverse racism” should be the phenomena where people go out of their way to be nicer to people of other races, whether it be out of liberal guilt or just a superficial desire to appear to be “one of the good ones.”
If you want to financially squeeze politicians, it won’t help if we only pay them minimum wage. What you would need to do is impose a limit on maximum donations.
I don’t hate guns, I hate gun owners. Guns are harmless until you put them in the hands of someone dumb enough to think they’re great.
Whoever convinced people that kale is food should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
I have done a lot of drugs, but I never understood the desire to get naked when heavily under the influence. Sure... I have gotten naked when very drugged, but I still don’t understand why it happened.
What’s the point of living if you’re religious? Wouldn’t it be easier to just put yourself in a situation where you die for your faith so you can spend eternity in heaven?
I don’t really have limits when it comes to what I will say, but if I’m going to say something mean, I want to mean it. I try to avoid unintentionally offensive remarks, which is why I think it’s dumb when Republicans call Obama “niggardly.” It would be like telling your Mexican maid to get the house “spic and span,” or to tell a Vietnamese person that their argument amounts to being little more than a “slippery slope.”
We’ve gotten to a point where WWII video games have better, more realistic graphics than actual footage of WWII.
Voting for the lesser of two evils does nothing for the greater good.
I used to wonder why we have crazies running around killing people, but we don’t have any doing amazingly nice things for others. We have sociopaths who rig the system and rob people of everything they’ve got, but we don’t seem to have any who give it all away. But then I realized: we do have those people, but we don’t call them crazy or sociopathic... we call them friends and family.