Thursday, September 13, 2012

Random Thoughts, August and September 2012

If people need guns to protect our freedoms, why are there more guns and less freedom? I’ll remember to blame gun owners the next time I’m going through airport security.

What I find interesting about American Christians is that they love the idea of eating chicken in order to oppose gay rights. Meanwhile, the Salvation Army also opposes gay rights... and I don’t see lines around the block volunteering to help the poor.

I don’t understand why any woman would vote Republican. Wouldn’t it just be easier to stay home and punch yourself in the ovaries?

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lie, and famous quotes.

People seem to hate abstinence education, but I’m a child of that generation, and it was great. Do you have any idea how much anal sex I’ve had? I don’t get what everyone is complaining about…

Dear Conservatives,
If you think being on unemployment is such a great deal, quit your job and let someone else do it.
Every unemployed person in the country.

It must be insulting to be called a “legend.” It’s like saying, “Wow, your story is so old, I can’t believe you still exist.”

Republicans and Democrats have made voting in America kind of like getting mugged at gunpoint: “your money or your life.”

I think the conservative end-game strategy on Global Warming is to deny it until they can’t pretend any longer, and then blame it on gays and feminists.

When you’re a kid, it must seem silly that people drink or do drugs. Why would people ever need to escape, forget, or unwind? Then, you grow up... and it makes perfect sense.

I feel bad for people who have a degree in nutrition and who live in America. That is an invitation for a lifetime of losing battles... like getting a degree in statistics, also in America.

I genuinely feel bad for people who get easily offended. It honestly must be tough to go through life like that, and my deepest sympathies go out to these weak people. I don’t feel bad enough to change how I write or speak, but I would totally understand if these people wanted to kill themselves, and they have my blessing.

If you can’t joke about something, I can’t take your feelings on the matter seriously.

If gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married because the Bible is so against homosexuality, then maybe rich people shouldn’t be allowed to get married, either.

During the next closing ceremonies of the Olympics, I recommend you do something that I tried: Get one of those weekly dosage containers with little compartments for each day of the week. Then, prepare a seven course meal using Jelly Bellies and put each into one day in the pill container. Next, take two hits of acid, and listen to your favorite Beatles album until it kicks in. Then, open the days in order, consuming your Jelly Belly meal at your leisure. Spend the rest of your trip talking about how you accidentally put in a cinnamon because it looks like a lot of other red ones, but you don’t hate cinnamon, you just want to eat it when you know what it is. Muse about how no one likes coconut, banana or buttered popcorn, and then getting into a very emotionally invested debate with someone who thinks only banana and orange are gross. Orange? Are you fucking serious? Orange is not okay, but tangerine is? How do you even tell them apart? On second thought, you don’t have to wait for the next Olympics closing ceremony.

If you worry that you’re stupid, we have discovered the cure. What you do is, ingest every pill in your house, then wash it down with alcohol until you pass out. Problem solved.

If you set out to make people laugh, you must also learn to laugh at people who can’t take a joke.

The only people who are more clueless than Obama’s supporters are people who think Obama is the worst president ever. He’s about as mediocre as you can get. If he makes you really excited or really angry, there’s probably something really wrong with you.

Sometimes I wish Obama was everything the right-wing claims he is.

Okay, new plan: we all pool our money to send every extremist to some doomed nation, let’s say Somalia, and we tell them the winner of their little battle gets to rule the world. Then we kill the winner and we all live quietly.

I wonder if Obama is going to promise the same stuff he didn’t accomplish in his first term, or if he’ll come up with a new set of things he won’t do.

Never trust a religion that restricts who you can love more than it condemns atrocities like slavery and rape.

It’s not that hard to change. Just take a break from being critical of others and give yourself some “me time.”

I can’t get over the fact that Christians, Jews and Muslims worship a God who thought it was more important to tell them not to wear clothing made of different types of fiber than it was to teach people how to make medicine.

Everyone I know who goes out of their way to not offend anyone still manages to sometimes offend people. If that isn’t enough to make you wonder why they bother, consider that people who try never to offend always succeed in sounding like self-righteous cunts.

Social media has spoiled people and allowed them to dwell in an artificial environment of their own making where they are surrounded by people who only think as they do, while simultaneously allowing us to shut out all those who disagree, like some sort of isolated cult.

After I have children, I’m thinking of becoming a woman. I don’t really feel like a woman, and I will certainly miss my penis, but it might be worth it just to be able to tell some women what I really think of them without being seen as a misogynist. As a bonus, I would technically be gay-married to my wife, and I think it might be a lark to piss off Republicans with that.

Listening to what liberal women call Jan Brewer, Michele Bachmann, and Sarah Palin is amusing. It’s like hearing a devout Mormon say “Fuck,” while drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette.

I think if Jesus comes back, there will be a sex tape.

Experts have called me a medical anomaly, saying that there’s no reason I should still be alive. To that, I always say, “You’re a horrible therapist.”

I am not concerned with what the government is allowed to see. I care only that we be allowed to see what the government does. The answer to our problems is not a misguided belief in the “right” to privacy, but a complete abolition of it, from the top down.

Those who lose often console themselves in imagining they exhibited more honor than the winner. Faced with the choice of going for a ruthless win or an honorable defeat, it’s not that hard to decide... especially after one considers that history is written by the victors. There’s no shame in fighting dirty for a good cause.

I’ve heard many people say they wish their dog could talk. I don’t think I would care if my dog could talk, since I can understand him just fine. I wish that he could understand me, so he’ll get it when I say, “I don’t care if you saw a squirrel in the yard. In fact, just for future reference, I will never care about that.”

I shiver a little when an atheist uses a work of fiction to justify an emotional stance. Be it Ayn Rand, George Orwell, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov... whoever, I find it very odd that some people’s opinions seem to be based on events that took place in someone’s imagination.

Does anyone else find it odd that many Freethought Bloggers are supporting a band [Pussy Riot] whose name contains a word that would get you banned for using it there, and who were charged with verbal harassment... which will also get you banned from there?

“Respect” is bullshit. Fuck respect, give me honesty.

Some say respect should only be earned, while others say it can only be lost. I think it should be ignored.

I find it odd that women are so put off by men wanting to have sex with them. I don’t get put off when women assume I’m a big, dumb rapist just because I’m a man. I still want to have sex with them, anyway.

Atheists seem to think atheism has something to do with science, when it does not. Sure, I might find it difficult to locate an atheist who doesn’t value science, but I might just as easily say that atheism is a white movement, simply because I tend to only see atheists who are white. Atheism merely isn’t at odds with science.

Republicans don’t want small government, they just want the government elected by the people to have no power to stop the wealthy.

I find that people who are offended by me like me more after they’ve seen me offend someone they don’t like.

I find that conservatives love it when I criticize Obama, liberals applaud me for criticizing Romney, atheists like when I criticize religious people, and religious people enjoy it when I criticize atheists. It’s almost like no one cares who I am, only what I say... and that gives me hope. Maybe anyone, no matter who you are, can get ahead in life, so long as you say what is expected of you... it’s almost noble... almost.

I find that humor is a great learning tool for listeners. Sometimes a joke can teach you what can only be otherwise learned by daydreaming while someone else is talking.

Have you ever agreed with someone so dumb that it made you question your beliefs?

Why do we demand that our Presidential candidates release their tax information? Try Googling “Spiro Agnew.”

Only two things in life are certain: death, and complaints about taxes.

Republicans can see the “blessing” in rape, but they can’t see the good that the government has done...

There is no war on women. Republicans are just fighting an endless series of battles against women. It’s like how the “Vietnam War” was not technically a war.

Criticizing religion isn’t “hate.” Hate is, “Religious people should die,” not “Religion is wrong.”

Sometimes I think I can deal with the vulgar nature of the internet because I have a deep, inner calm that cannot be disturbed by outside forces. Other times, I wish some people would just die already.

New business idea: multivitamin for Buddhists, called “B1 with Everything.”

Thanks to some very militant feminists, I have some inkling (though only an inkling) of what it’s like being a black man, because I feel as though I am viewed as a threat by some women, simply for being who I am. I thank them for this lesson, and I don’t begrudge them or want to stop being a feminist myself over it.

Sometimes I walk into a room and think, “These look like perfectly pleasant, kindhearted people... I don’t belong here.”

I think it’s worth noting that some of the things I have written which I worried might offend people turned out to be very well liked, while a couple essays or statements I never would have dreamed would be controversial have ended up garnering death threats. Never censor yourself, because you have no idea what you’re holding back that others have been longing to hear. Even if you tip-toe around, you’ll still wake up some light-sleeping asshole who will want to crucify you.

Lyme disease isn’t real. It’s just a scare tactic of hat manufacturers.

I’ve come to that magical point in my life where I can’t remember the names of nearly any of the people I hated in the past. I remember their ugly faces... but their names draw a blank.

Romney and Ryan are trying desperately to reach out to female voters, and female voters have wisely responded by spraying them with mace and screaming “Fire!”

I tend to focus my political criticism on Republicans because it’s like mocking the popular jock at school. Making fun of the Democrats feels more like picking on the autistic kid who rubs his head against the wall. I don’t think either is a capable leader, but only one of them actually bothers me.

We don’t need to solve the obesity problem. There already is a solution: it’s called heart disease.

Blogging is like jerking off on camera. It’s pointless unless you’re being paid or you like knowing someone might one day see it.

The difference between Democrats and Republicans is about the role of government. Democrats believe the government should be able to tell anyone what they can or cannot do; Republicans think rich, straight, white men should be exempt.

Is it racist to ask if a non-black-and-white picture of Martin Luther King, Jr. has been colorized?

I’ve been battling drugs successfully for years. Me and drugs go into a room... only I walk out again.

My god is the Laugh, my religion is humor, and my prayers are jokes meant to inspire the presence of my deity in others.

Political correctness is a silly belief that blasphemy against some abstract god called “Other People” is wrong.

I think what pisses me off the most when people act offended is that deep down, they actually care about my opinion as little as I care about theirs, but they want to make a big show of seeming to be morally superior. Their virtue reeks of self-satisfaction.

I’m not even shocked anymore when I hear about a school shooting. The only thing that could occur in a classroom that would surprise me these days is learning.

Sometimes the brain only has the capacity for one set of ideas, and not another. Take, for example, the ethical part of the brain. Some people fill this up with economics. Then there’s the humor portion, where many people store political correctness. But most sad of all, perhaps, is that people jam victimhood where their confidence should be.

I’ll vote for Obama when he gets us out of Afghanistan, ends the war on drugs, and cuts our ties with Israel. You don’t need congress for any of those things, and he’s too chickenshit to do even one.

I will hand it to conservatives: they nominated the most moderate Republican candidate from a field of whackos. Out of a sea of schizophrenics and psychotics, they chose the one guy who was only bi-polar.

Some Obama supporters are so dumb, I don’t understand how they aren’t Republicans.

Sometimes, while living in the South, I put on a camo hat when I go out. You know, to blend in.

I’ve found that it’s not important whether you’re damaged or not, it’s important whether you’re the kind of person who picks up the pieces or just sits and cries about it.

When I was about 10, I argued with a friend of mine from Texas that Alaska was a bigger state than Texas. He refused to believe me. It was good practice for discussing politics as an adult.

I hate looking at the calendar, seeing what day it is, and realizing, “Yep, that milk I drank an hour ago from the carton was definitely expired.”

I love how jokes can both begin and end a friendship.

Should I honestly care that Romney will cut Medicare for seniors when it’s largely old people who are voting for him? It sounds like the yuppies are just trying to commit collective suicide, and frankly I’m inclined to let them.

Being liberal is great, except for all the other liberals.

Do not bother trying to win the hearts and minds of others. Only go for their hearts, because anyone with a mind will see through it.

I’m not sure which I like more: the fictional Obama created by Republicans, or the fictional Obama created by Democrats. They’re both so good... much better than the real one.

Every censor assures themselves that they are only silencing people or ideas that are not worth being heard, and no two censors ever completely agree.

As someone who has an inbox full of death threats, I tend to yawn when I see someone dramatically react to mean commenters or “cyber bullying.” I usually think, “Wow, someone just got the internet...”

Make fuck, not love.

If someone has offended you, it’s not because they lack compassion, it’s because you lack discipline.

My political views are very clear and very simple: I think that if you want to vote for Obama, you’re a fool, and if you want to vote for Romney, you’re mentally ill.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can take a joke, and those who can go fuck themselves.

Whether you’re the protagonist or the antagonist all depends on which side the observer stands.

If you try to be fair and take shots at everyone, you will be accused of singling out every specific group, affiliation, and individual.

I’ve been asked, “Why use harsh language?” Well, I’ve found that if I treat people gingerly, like they were delicate children, the people who would get offended by the words I use all end up getting upset about something I say, anyway... cause bitches gonna bitch.

Suppose I invent a word, like “cramcrot,” and I say, “You’re a cramcrot.” Should you be offended or flattered? Only I know the definition, so you would need to ask me what the word means in order to find out how you should have felt all along. I call this dilemma “Schrodinger’s Insult.” Hint... I didn’t call it “Schrodinger’s Compliment.”

Fools and liars hold the monopoly on certainty.

It’s a shame people can’t get plastic surgery to improve their personality.

They say certain words are hate speech. They also say “hate” is a strong word. Can’t we just call it strong language, since it’s not for weak people?

You ever have one of those dreams where you’re being hassled by police, and when you wake up, you’re in jail?

A censor deserves everything that is said to them.

Blocking someone on Facebook is the online equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and saying, “La la la, I’m not listening...”

Democrats say that not voting for Obama is essentially casting a vote for Mitt Romney. This is like Christians who think anyone who doesn’t love Jesus is actually worshiping Satan.

If you would like to end someone’s life, end your own.

When someone tells me that I should “study 7th grade civics,” I realize that I’m talking to someone who probably hasn’t learned anything about government or politics since the 7th grade.

Both parties run on fear. Republicans fear Muslims, gays, women, non-whites, and educators. Democrats fear Republicans.

I am starting to see Mitt Romney yard signs and bumper stickers. If Romney wins, most of those people probably won’t have yards or cars for the next election...

They say “the cream will rise to the top,” but society isn’t milk. No, America is more like a toilet: it’s the turds who float, unless you flush them away.

It’s 9/11, eleven years later. What have we learned? We’re still killing innocent people in the Middle East. We’re still sending billions of dollars every year to Israel to commit heinous war crimes. We’re still economically exploiting poor people around the world. So... what have we learned? Nothing.

I cannot change anyone’s opinions, but I can challenge them.

Both children and adults are always learning, but I prefer to learn like a child. Children learn new things, while adults learn new ways to justify what they already believe.

The first rule of cat ownership: anything you leave on a flat surface is liable to be puked on.

Even beyond the pettiness and naivety of censorship, it’s never a wise decision to tell someone they shouldn’t say something because it offends you. Only a fool writes out directions on how to hurt them.

It’s pretty clear who incited the violence that caused the Libyan Ambassador’s death, so let’s bring the culprits to justice. Lock up Marilyn Manson and ban all video games!

I’m sick of people saying you can’t scream fire in a crowded theater when there isn’t a fire. If that’s true, what the hell is a fire drill?

If you told everyone that you can’t make jokes about having sex with frogs, the internet would be full of frog-fucking jokes by the end of the day, and every stand-up comic in the nation would have a frog-fucking joke in their act within a year.

Sometimes I just sit around and feel bad for people from Alabama.


  1. Move so noted but hey, looks like you've burned up all your jokes in one post. Or maybe, you are doing a yearly post and we should visit weekly?

  2. These are Facebook status updates, mostly form when I took my brief break. I have plenty more where these came from.

  3. Write a book, or at least publish an ebook, there have to be at least some people out there smart enough to appreciate your sense of humor. Title: You're A Moronic Cunt: If I Just Offended You You're To Stupid To Read (This Book)

  4. I'm waiting until I'm on my death bed before I worry about publishing. Writers all go downhill once they start making money.