If I were Obama, this would be my to-do list after the election…

- call a press conference to end the drug war while smoking a joint
- use aid for Israel to erect a monument opposing Theocracy
- ban educational video games
- declare “bacon” the national food
- Michelle Obama
- kidnap George W. Bush in the night and fly him to the Hague for trial
- publicly burn a Confederate Flag
- pimp slap Pat Robertson
- audit Mitt Romney
- pull troops out of Afghanistan
- declare war on Texas
- use pilotless drones to spy on baby-making, instead of for baby-killing
- change the national motto to, “Chill the fuck out”
- grow a crunchy afro
- declare the national language to be “sarcasm”