Random Thoughts, November 11th – January 30th

I wanted to get my dog fixed, but I decided to save the money and just teach him how to play Dungeons and Dragons.

When you criticized Bush, they called you unpatriotic. When you criticize Obama, they call you a racist. I can’t wait for a female president, so I can be called a misogynist.

Obama didn’t lose the white, male vote, Obama fans lost it for him. They’ve spent the last 4 years blaming everything on white males.

I think Facebook is a philosophical experiment to see what happens when a know-it-all meets a know-nothing.

Why is it scientists are “playing god,” but preachers are “doing God’s work?”

When I was younger, I was touched by Jesus. Now he has to stay 1500 feet away at all times.

Sometimes I think Republicans won’t be happy until every poor person is miserable.

I’m beyond the point where I think we should tax the rich. Let’s just decapitate them and move on.

If people were immortal, murder would become a necessity.

Can any Christians out there explain to me why it’s offensive to say we evolved from apes, but it’s fine to say we came from dirt?

Considering the quality of their work, I think it’s time Congress be paid minimum wage. And since so much of their money comes from the generosity of others, they should get paid the minimum wage for servers who work for tips: $2.13 an hour.

I have bad news for secessionists... most of the people signing those petitions are Obama fans who want you to leave.

I don’t usually complain about my wife, but she is constantly guilty of a crime that would have been punishable by death in my Italian family growing up. She is always leaving food uneaten on her plate, and it drives me nuts!

I had 3 eggs sunny side up for breakfast and now I feel kind of nauseous. I hope this isn’t morning sickness from being pregnant with a chicken...

My wife on having kids: “I hope they have blue eyes like you do... or wait, green eyes... what color are your eyes, again?”

You know what’s annoying about older generations? They complain and complain and complain about how the world is... even though the world now is nothing more than a product of their own actions. Then, when the young want to fix anything, the old do everything in their power to stop them. Here’s a thought: shut the fuck up and get out of the way.

I feel no obligation whatsoever to respect a person’s opinion, especially when it’s wrong. The beauty of this is, even if you disagree with me... you still have to respect my opinion, otherwise you’re a hypocrite.

I haven’t had a nickname since I lived in Detroit. Back then, my nickname was “cracker.” I lived in a very black neighborhood, but I never felt left out. Even people I never met somehow knew my nickname.

I’m an eternal optimist. When things are going downhill, I just relax and enjoy not having to pedal.

I think Bigfoot is really a Wookie.

Classy insult of the day: May you be defenestrated by a resplendent heiress.

When I die, I want to be buried in track pants and a hoody with my hand in my underwear. That way, any future anthropologists who find my body will better understand how people of our time lived.

The market produces innovation, while the government provides stability. A market given too much power leads to exploitation, while a government given too much power leads to stagnation.

When I can hear my neighbors having sex, I always know who came first... because it was me.

I love how people who call themselves “real Americans” want to form their own country.

Religious people make the ultimate scientific error in thinking the universe revolves around their beliefs.

I find it easy to be honest, but it’s difficult for me to be polite. Usually, the best I can do is to just be silent... but that never lasts for long.

Don’t you hate it when you’re in a group of people and somehow there are two different conversations going on, but you got sucked into the boring one?

I think everyone should be DNA tested, just because I’m curious how many cuckolds there are.

There is no such thing as “positive thinking.” You either go out and do something positive, or you’re just a lazy person who hopes good things will magically happen.

My favorite conservative truism: “No matter what we do, there will always be people who have more.” Exactly, so it’s okay to tax them... because they’ll still make more and they’ll still be the richest, we’ll just be able to afford social programs like the rest of the developed world.

Sometimes I comment on someone’s Facebook post asking what they mean, and the response is, “I didn’t write it, I only shared it.” So... why are you sharing things you don’t even understand?

Kids today are too weak and coddled. Why, just last week I was able to beat up an entire playground full of 3rd graders without breaking a sweat.

Why doesn’t God ever tell crazy people to do good things?

You don’t see many prophets today able to convince people to give up all their worldly possessions and follow them. Maybe it’s because these days, most of us have a lot of nice stuff.

Both parties have muddied the political waters with their wolf-crying. It’s to the point where I no longer believe Republicans when they cry “tyranny,” and I don’t believe Democrats when they cry “bigotry.”

I like the movie American History X, but I’m kind of angry that it gave racist overtones to the otherwise wholesome act of curb stomping.

If religion was underwear, atheism would be going commando.

Those who deny themselves of certain rights and pleasures think nothing of denying them for others.

I hate flattery, and I’ve successfully avoided it by remaining completely unimportant.

The most optimistic concept to me is that ignorance that has persisted for a lifetime can be defeated by one thoughtful afternoon of contemplation.

The only war America has won in the last eleven years is the one against civil liberties.

The ultimate outcome of looking at the world logically is to realize the world is not logical.

The devil’s in the details, because God is in the ambiguity.

I think it’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I don’t see what’s so special about virginity. It’s not uncommon. In fact, you might even say there’s a virgin born every second.

If ignorance is bliss, why are Americans so depressed?

A woman’s love is like water. To possess it, you must cup your hands and let it rest inside. You cannot grab hold of it tightly, and often it leaks out over time. Or, you could keep her forever at the bottom of a well...

It has always been a battle between those who want to act normal, and those who don’t. The normal people usually win, but they never have any fun doing it.

There are two tricks to being rich. The first is getting money. The second is keeping it.

If you lack moral fiber, you may find it hard to give a shit.

TV Show concept: evil midget with psychic powers escapes from prison.
Title: Small Medium at Large

I believe in killing people with kindness. I named my axe “Kindness.”

You can determine precisely when you started caring about politics by thinking back to the time when it seemed like the world went from being fine to being one inch away from complete annihilation.

I can order food in three languages, but I can insult you in seven. Those are my priorities.

I want to write a book about Mongolian literature and leaders called “The Prose and Kahns of Mongolia.”

I have studied the religions of the world like my eternity relied upon it. In the end, I fear I have merely wasted a large chunk of the finite time I actually have.

I see a lot of anarchists and libertarians speak of the government’s “monopoly on violence.” This is odd, because I keep hearing from these same people how the government is inefficient and ineffective. So, what I’m hearing is these people demanding private industry get in on the market of violence, because the government is not an acceptably efficient or effective killing machine. I’m fairly certain that the way forward is not to privatize tyranny, thereby streamlining it.

Why does no one believe that I have a Bible that is signed by the author?

If you often put your foot in your mouth, you might as well also put a sock in it.

I hate when people I don’t even know try to give me parenting advice. So, to all those nosey people out there, listen. As their father, I know how much heroin my child can handle. If you have a problem with that, you try dealing with them when they haven’t had their fix. I’m just kidding, I don’t have kids… anymore.

I think the War on Terror is a conspiracy by artificial limb manufacturers.

People blame TV for kids doing stupid stuff, but dumb stuff has been on TV as long as there’s been TV, and before that, fairy tales were full of ridiculous situations. Wile E. Coyote was strapping rockets to his roller skates in the 50’s, but kids weren’t going out and doing it... until the 90’s. Why? Maybe because that was the generation that grew up being told, “You can do anything.”

Very few things brighten my day like botched plastic surgery.

I had a girlfriend in college who is now in a lot of online porn, and something tells me she’s going to be pretty pissed off if she finds out I posted it.

I’m sick of people blaming Disney, magazines, or just the media in general for “giving them unrealistic expectations.” For fuck’s sake, you’re mediocre... get over it already.

I don’t get why Christian men expect their wives to serve them food. The only time that happens in the whole Bible is when Eve brought Adam some fruit, and God was not happy about it.

They say “age is just a number.” Yeah, and a coffin is “just a box.”

I wanted someone to use reverse psychology on me, but they didn’t want to. So, I tried telling them not to use it on me.

Worst idea for a sex-shop product: edible handcuffs

You can’t spell “Bible” without “bile.”

Every time a semi-famous person accepts my friend request on Facebook, my wife has to condescendingly ask, “Did they friend you, or did you just Like their page?” Every single time...

I’m tired of people on Facebook telling others they should do what makes them happy. Really? What if I like torturing small animals, should I do it? Or, should we maybe be telling people to do something good, rather than just encouraging people to indulge their personal quest for pleasure?

I made a voodoo doll of myself and stuck pins in it. I didn’t feel any pain, but I suddenly want some heroin.

Mooning someone is the second most fun you can have with your pants off.

I don’t believe in group pride. Pride breeds an “us vs. them” mentality. I don’t believe there is such a thing as “them.” That means everyone is included in “us,” and I’m certainly not proud to be part of that.

My ethics are simple: if you see someone falling, catch them. If you fail to do so, help them up. If you fail to do even that, the least you can do is not step on them while they’re down.

Some people look for things to be offended by. Some people look for things to get angry about. Some people look for things to criticize. Some people look for things to laugh at. Some people look for things to enjoy. Somehow, we all find what we are looking for.

Sometimes I wish I was gay, just so I could call everyone “darling.” And I would pronounce it very British, “Daaah-ling.”

I want shoes that, when it detects me running up a flight of stairs, will play the “Rocky” theme.

Whenever I feel bad about downloading music illegally, I watch MTV Cribs. To be fair, I have never watched MTV Cribs. I don’t even know if that show is still on the air. Hell, I don’t know if MTV is still on the air.

In California, there are solar powered tanning beds. Seriously.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’ll wish I was in better shape, that way I would be an unstoppable zombie.

Why would anyone question the honesty of the Bible? It was written by Jesus’ buddies, many of whom were fishermen, and no fisherman ever exaggerated when telling a story…

The only reason to be religious is if you are afraid to die. The only reason to be afraid to die is if you never really lived. The only reason most people never really lived is because of religion.

Am I the only person who finds it odd that Christians believe their God has a throne? I just don’t picture God sitting. I imagine him floating, I don’t know why, I guess because it’s space.

I get why atheists laugh at Christians for citing the Bible as evidence in a discussion. What I don’t get is why atheists cite famous atheists so often.

I don’t get why candlelight is romantic. It seems like a backhanded way of saying, “I think you look better when I can barely see you.”

I think the only suspicious thing about atheism is that it has almost the same gender and race composition as the Republican Party.

Friends are like balloons. They tend to move away quickly if you poke them with needles.

If you want to really confuse a conservative, ask them if they think Barack Obama’s mom should have gotten an abortion. They get a look on their face that looks like their mind is trying to divide by zero.

There’s no polite way to tell someone their kid is ugly. Believe me... I’ve tried every possible way.

You know what’s hilarious? The suggested serving size on Girl Scout Cookies. It’s two cookies. Two. That’s right, eat one cookie, then another, and supposedly you’re done. Who the fuck eats two and stops? I can eat two at a time. A serving size shouldn’t be able to fit in my mouth all at once.

I know some people actually pray that their kids won’t be gay. I also know some who worry their kids will become religious. Personally, I just hope my future kids don’t end up in jail or enlisting in the military.

Logic is highly overrated. It’s useful for discovering the truths of the universe, but since people don’t operate logically, it’s useless when dealing with humanity itself.

I will never understand people who post about a topic on Facebook, then when you ask questions about it, they say something along the lines of, “I don’t want to have a discussion about that right now.” Of course not, you just want people to agree with you right now. When would be a good time to point out you’re wrong?

Supposedly, God created fish of the sea and birds of the air on the 5th day, and animals of the Earth on the sixth. When did he create penguins? What about amphibians?

I find it amusing that I know more about what the Bible says than most Christians, and most Christians know more about what Richard Dawkins says than I do. The difference being... I don’t worship (or even care for) Richard Dawkins, so I have no reason to ever care about what he says.

It sucks when I’m at the grocery store, rocking out to the music playing over the speakers, and then right at the guitar solo, someone comes on the intercom asking for a price check.

Marijuana shouldn’t be legal, it should be mandatory. I think it belongs on the food pyramid.

I refuse to feel bad about having sex with my wife, no matter how much my wife cries during it. I keep telling her, “It’s not rape if we’re married, now get back into the pit.” Women... am I right?

Every time someone blocks me on Facebook, an asshole refuses to give a shit.

If you criticize those who are praised as saints, be prepared to be called a devil.

Fighting to change how a group is portrayed in media is a fool’s errand. Drug dealers are always the villain, and yet they’re doing great.

It’s always awkward when someone I barely know announces on Facebook that they are now single or pregnant. I don’t know whether congratulations or condolences are in order.

We need to get English majors some jobs so the rest of us can make spelling errors without having someone pounce on us online and make us feel like we’re morons just because we got one word wrong. Yes, we all make mistakes, some of us make typing errors, some of us make poor life choices about what we study in college.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s not like poverty can afford it.

No one joins the military to protect our freedom. They do it because they’re selfish people who want something out of it (money), and they don’t care who they hurt in the process. That isn’t noble at all.

I’m glad Facebook has no thumbs down option. It’s so much more satisfying to leave a nasty comment than to just click one button and wordlessly express disapproval. I almost wish the Like button were eliminated.

I think it’s so sexist that if a man has a lot of sex, he’s cool or a stud, but if a woman does the exact same thing, she’s your mom.

You know what the Great Depression had that the Great Recession is lacking? Bankers and investors jumping out of windows.

At the end of Return of the Jedi, it’s pretty well known now that Lando is wearing Han Solo’s clothes as he pilots the Millennium Falcon. But then it hit me... since Han Solo won the ship from Lando, maybe the clothes were in the ship already and Han Solo had been wearing Lando’s clothes for years. Whoa...

The best insults are like a good biography: they’re true, personal, and focus on who they fucked.

Thanks to foreign porn, I know that people have sex with an accent.

You ever make a large chunk of cash off of immoral stock and wonder how much you need to donate to charity to not feel guilty about it?

I figured it out. The problem with the older generation is that they are stuck in this post-modernist bullshit attitude of, “Oh, how can we know anything?” They’re too chickenshit to try, so they hem and haw instead of trying to fix anything.

Sometimes, when I’m really pissed off, I just sit around counting money. That helps.

I always hated open-book exams in college. That made me feel obliged to buy the book.

You know what makes a real man? A Y chromosome.

I once jerked off so much that I got a huge blister on my palm. I thought I had gotten my hand pregnant.

It’s time for guns to be outlawed and for outlaws with guns to be jailed.

If you think Obama will do anything about gun regulation in America because some children died, you must not know about his drone strikes...

It’s no wonder that news agencies won’t broach the issue of gun control. They live for stories where dozens of kids die.

It’s easier to blame mental illness than guns, because mentally ill people have no lobby group. Every country has crazy people, but only ours has a gun violence problem. You have to be mentally ill to not see the real cause.

You ever have a conversation with someone and you cannot figure out why they’re so dumb... and then you find out they’re a Republican and it all makes sense?

If you outlaw murder, only outlaws will murder. I think responsible people should be able to decide who lives and dies, not just criminals.

I think the honeymoon should come before the wedding. Then, if you still don’t hate each other, you can get married.

I guess we have to wait until a gunman goes into a retirement home and kills people before Republicans will want anything done.

You know what’s frustrating about living in the US? We have fallen behind, so we can look around at the rest of the world and see the advances we will one day have... but can’t seem to attain.

When the Queen of England gives a handjob, does she do it pinky out?

America is a nation where more people believe in angels than gun control. Maybe it’s out belief that there are magical beings watching over us that prevents us from taking tangible steps towards making our country safer.

You ever watch an older movie for the first time and you realize, “Oh, that’s where that’s from...”

Why do people get piercings and tattoos? Isn’t it cheaper to just cut and burn yourself?

I find it interesting that the only part of the Bill of Rights with the word “regulated” is the 2nd Amendment.

The strangest paradox to me is that over-thinking a situation always results in a dumb opinion.

Love is knowing someone well enough that you not only want to kill them, you’ve planned what you would do with the body... but you don’t, because you know it’s easier to be with them forever than to go through all this again with someone new. And if you are with someone for a long time and you never thought this, you’re the one who always gets their way, and I assure you: your partner thinks about this all the time.

You can usually tell someone is a Republican pretty quickly by the fact that they’re wrong about everything.

The more I talk with gun advocates, the more I am convinced that gun ownership itself should be diagnosed as a mental illness.

I used to wonder why so many churches would support gun ownership. Then I realized they would lose business, since a lot of funerals are held in churches.

You can tell I’m an atheist because when someone sneezes near me, I say, “Jesus Christ! Cover your fucking mouth!”

The Right wants to give teachers guns but not fair pay. How could that end badly?

Am I the only one who thinks “being kissed under the mistletoe” sounds like a euphemism for someone licking your taint?

Old people walk a fine line between wisdom and dementia.

If guns don’t kill people, then why do people go down so easy when I shoot them?

Apparently, it’s possible to get so fat that you cannot even reach to wipe your own ass. That sort of disproves intelligent design, if you ask me. If I was designing people, you should always be able to reach your ass, but you wouldn’t be able to reach your mouth to eat more.

Republican philosophy is kind of like an old movie. Everything is black and white, the actors aren’t very convincing, and it makes you think, “What the hell were these old people thinking?”

If I could change just one thing about the Bible, I would make it less boring, that way Christians would actually read it and realize it’s nonsense.

I think Santa got so fat from drinking all that Coca-cola.

I would only burn a bridge if I was certain one of my exes was on it.

So, I’m in my childhood home several states away one day and I’m looking through some things I still have here, the stuff that I didn’t see fit to bring back on any of the previous 20 or so trips. It’s pretty much the bottom of the barrel, really. And yet... so much of this crap still has sentimental value to me. It’s so silly how I still find things to be important when I haven’t used them in over 10 years, simply because they are “mine.”

You ever notice that people who value family the most also have the craziest families?

I think wanting to home school your kid should be a clear indication that you are not qualified to be the only real influence in your child’s life.

It’s better to have loved a short person than to have never have loved a tall.

I wonder what violent video games the Nazis played to make them so murderous…

I can’t get over the fact that “Atheist Movement” sounds like some kind of godless turd.

I love when I’m told I can’t judge others. Not only can I judge people, but their dumb choices often make it easy to do so.

I’m glad there was no Facebook when I was young and wrote poetry. That would have been really embarrassing.

I had someone tell me that if I don’t believe in God, then I can’t believe in love. That would be like saying that if I don’t believe in leprechauns, I can’t believe in rainbows.

You know what is hilarious? Christians who criticize those who select “Jedi” as their religion, because Star Wars is not real.

Has someone ever made you hate them so much that you just keep a straight face and show no emotion, that way months later they’ll never suspect it was you that smeared the word “Asshole” in shit on their house?

Some people don’t want help, they just want to be a victim.

You know what always takes me out of the reality of a network TV show? When a woman is wearing a bra during sex.

I’m not gay, but I kind of relate to gay people in at least one respect. I know what it’s like to have people look down on me unfairly for something I can’t control, something that is simply a matter of taste, something I didn’t choose. Yet, I refuse to be ashamed of my sense of humor.

You have the right to remain silent, but you have the responsibility to speak up.

A victim is someone who knows they have been unfairly wronged, but doesn’t know how to get over it.

I wish atheists wouldn’t act like they’re so smart. You don’t need to be bright to lack a belief in God. Don’t take such intellectual pride in a mindset possessed by every new born baby.

No one can find love. Some people think this is a sad fact when they find out, but I think it’s beautiful. Love can’t just be found lying around, ready to go; we have to make it for ourselves.

For Christmas, I got a bunch of assorted small-brand sodas from my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Great gift, I love soda and they all have real cane sugar. But one of them is odd... it’s called “Mr.” Cola. That’s how it is labeled, with the quotes and all, and it leads me to wonder if perhaps it used to be Mrs. Cola, until it got a sex-change. Whatever the case may be, I don’t mind. I am fine with a transgender soda. I’m just glad it wasn’t Mr. “Cola.” That would be suspicious.

Kids today are so soft. I gave one a gun and he just shot himself in the face with it and refused to do anything else except just lie there bleeding. Soft, and lazy, too.

Republicans have an IQ to match their political ideology: stuck in the 80s.

If you honestly think Obama is a great president, you either don’t pay attention or you let Bush really lower your standards.

What’s the nicest thing I can say about people who support Obama? Well... at least they aren’t Republicans.

So many of my Facebook buddies are going through a break up or relationship trouble. I’m the last person on Earth who can give advice on that matter; I fall to pieces after a break up. But I will say this: if an unattractive jackass like me or Hitler can find love... what the fuck is wrong with you?

The primary benefit of marriage is that in order to leave you, they would have to stand in line and do a lot of paper work.

Is it just me, or do school teachers seem shorter now than they were when you were a little kid?

The opposite of faith is not knowledge or fact, but understanding. Faith is an act, specifically the act of accepting as true what you don’t understand.

Congress is like the student who waits until the night before to finish a project. I should be an elected official...

To this day, I don’t believe there is a finer portrait of the modern Republican than the book “American Psycho.”

I don’t focus much on people’s body types. I think ugly comes in all sizes and shapes.

I’m about to make fried ravioli for the first time, without any recipe, based solely on watching Iron Chef. [It worked, and I recommend serving it with marinara sauce, a light sprinkling of olive oil, or even sour cream; that last one is my wife’s favorite… as an Italian, I cannot bring myself to even try it]

Great name for a punk rock band, just throwing it out there (feel free to use it): Full Body Pimple

Trump has an appropriate name. He ‘s like a low trump card who beats an ace, simply because of his suit.

I don’t know why money is a taboo gift for some people. It’s basically a gift card to everywhere.

You know, ladies... very little rape happens in kitchens.

There is no such thing as an “anarchist.” There are simply some who would sit by and make excuses for why injustice is noble.

Gun owners are still arguing that they need to be armed in order to fight government tyranny. After the PATRIOT ACT, the NDAA, warrantless wire-tapping of citizens and government-sponsored torture, I have to ask... what are you waiting for?

CEOs of several major corporations warned that raising their taxes would mean they would be forced to lay off hundreds, if not thousands, of Washington lobbyists.

DNA testing 2000 years ago would have saved us from Christianity.

I just want to say to America’s liberals: fuck you. You have spent more time with the anti-bullying campaign in the last decade than you spent on gun control. You’re more threatened by words than deadly weapons that kill 30,000 people per year in this country. Fuck you, you stupid cunts.

If there’s internet in heaven, why don’t I ever meet any dead people online? If there’s no internet in heaven... how the hell can you call it heaven?

Is it so hard to believe that I would calmly wish someone were dead?

I get the feeling most gun advocates buy into the idea guns are used by the “good guys” to stop the “bad guys” because they see it so often in movies. Since they put so much stock in movies, I think we’d all be better off if gun owners switched to wands.

Whenever I hear people in their teens or twenties talking about how they don’t want kids, I am reminded of little kids who are like, “Eww! Kissing! Gross!” That’s good: you shouldn’t want to have kids yet.

You know it’s definitely time to clean when the vacuum gets dusty.

If gun owners think firearms will protect them from the government taking away their rights, why are they afraid of gun control? Can’t they just rely on their guns to fight the government?

If I could be any animal, I would have to say I would be a human. We’re the only ones that have really mastered the production of bacon.

You know what you never see or hear about anymore? Hunchbacks.

You know what is a surefire way of getting friendzoned? Talking to a girl you like about the friendzone.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick an axe, but you can’t pickaxe your friends.

I can’t believe anyone would blame video games for violence. Before video games, kids played “Cowboys and Indians,” a game which might as well have been called, “Pretend Genocide.”

It’s been a while since we had a president with sons (since the first Bush, actually).

I find that most people who say things like, “Not every issue is worth fighting for,” or “You need to pick your battles,” never seem to fight or pick any battle whatsoever.

During the Bush years, you saw a lot of Republicans say that catching Osama bin Laden wasn’t important... I guess since Bush didn’t accomplish that. Now, you see a lot of Democrats saying that closing Guantanamo or ending our involvement in the Middle East isn’t all that important. I’m not saying the two parties are the same, I’m saying their voters all have the same excuses for failure.

With Obama and his fellow Democrats, you can see the inherent problem with the liberal idea that you shouldn’t keep score in sports and that you ought to give a trophy even to the losers. Liberals just don’t even know anymore what it means to win; if you try, it seems to be good enough for them. When faced with the enormous problems of today, just simply trying is not good enough.

How do I know I won’t live to be very old? Because I had my mid-life crisis at 22.

ou don’t have to like someone to appreciate their work, and you don’t have to agree with someone to share a human moment with them. What great news for argumentative misanthropes.

If you try to do everything, you will often end up doing nothing. If you try to do nothing, you will often end up doing everything.

I think my last words will be, “Delete my browser history.”

I think the worst time to be an atheist is when an atheist close to you has died. You become inundated with people assuring you they’ll “pray for them and you.” I’m not worried... it’s not like doing that will prevent the deceased from going to atheist heaven or something... but it’s sort of a little jab to the psyche, especially when they know you’re an atheist. It’s like saying, “Hey, sorry about your loss. I’ll pee on their grave.”

Do you think many urologists are #1 in their class, or that many proctologists are #2?

I sometimes wonder if the old think the world is going downhill and deteriorating simply because they are themselves.

How is it that Republican congressmen never bother to read long, boring laws before signing them, yet they love reading Ayn Rand?

You know how you can tell Republicans prey on the stupid? Because they see the destruction of public education as furthering their aims. There is no future for Republicans if the population is educated.

Someone who says they hate the wasteful spending of Democrats and therefore vote Republican is like a vegetarian who insists they don’t eat any meat, except veal and foie gras.

I’m conflicted when it comes to evaluating Obama. On one hand, I’m disappointed in all the things he didn’t do. On the other hand, when I look at what he did... I wonder if perhaps we’re lucky he got so little done.

Places full of those who think nothing should change are the places most in need of change.

Having known many middle and upper class people, I can tell you this about their work ethic: there is little difference. It’s not as though the very rich worked any harder than the moderately well-off. Poor people, on the other hand, have a very different work ethic. I can’t even imagine a middle or upper class person working hard enough to be poor.