Monday, May 6, 2013

Random Thoughts, March 2013

You know what I love about 2013? No “End of the World” talk.

There is no single myth more persistent than the unwavering belief that things are getting worse, and yet no one would rather be living in the past if they knew what it was like.

My ultimate fear is a debilitating brain injury. If I became severely mentally impaired, I would rather end it than keep going. I mean... even if I was just dumb enough to vote Republican, I’d rather die.

Black people aren’t immune to being racist anymore than they’re immune to sun burn. It’s just harder to notice.

I have to assume gay people make better parents. I’ve never heard of gay parents drowning their kids in a tub or shooting everyone in the home and then turning the gun on themselves.

If guns reduce criminal activity, why don’t we allow them in prisons?

“I’m not going to dignify that with a response” is a response.

I can’t convince anyone of anything, but I consider it a victory if I can ask someone a question and they honestly don’t know the answer. At least I know there’s a chance they will look into trying to answer it, and that answer may make them reconsider their view.

Nothing makes me feel more alive than death threats.

“What would you know about ‘old school?’ You’re eleven.” - Overheard at the grocery story, mother speaking to her son

The more appealing you find an idea to be, the more skeptical of it you must become.

If you’re sick of your boss suckering you into working weekends, tell them you have a second job on the weekend because your current job doesn’t pay enough. You should now get free weekends or a raise.

The concept of sex addiction makes no sense to me. Is someone out there free-basing semen? Are they so broke that they’re sucking dick to afford to get laid?

I support critical thinking, but some aspects of it I don’t agree with. One is the notion that we should encourage people to come to their own conclusions. This would be a great idea, if most people weren’t idiots. For the average person, it’s best if you just borrow a smart person’s conclusion.

I support gay marriage, and I’m not afraid to say I find it uncomfortable when I see two men kissing. Or two old people... or two ugly women... or a really old person and a really young person. To my credit, I find interracial kisses hot.

Whether you’re an atheist, Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, or Hindu... can’t we all agree Scientologists are fucking nuts?

Here’s my problem with the Democrats: if you fail sometimes, I can overlook your failures. If you fail half of the time and don’t even bother trying the other half... the problem isn’t the system, the problem isn’t Republicans, you’re the problem.

I don’t know which is more strange... when people assume I voted for Obama, or when people assume I’m a Libertarian.

Now that I’m having kids, I’m going to get a paddle and name it “time out.” That way, I can threaten them in public without having child services called on me. “When we get home, you’re going to get SO MUCH time out!”

You know what would be a great job? US Ambassador to the Vatican. It’s a real position, and it’s pretty low risk. We’re not going to go to war with the Vatican, we don’t need to maintain diplomatic ties of any kind. I would just walk around looking at art all day... eating Italian food and gelato... pretending I don’t hear the screams of altar boys in the night. Hmm... on second thought...

I’m sorry, but I believe in traditional marriage, meaning a sacred agreement between one man and one woman’s father. You can’t convince me to change.

I’m a Nazi. My father was a Nazi, and his father before him was a Nazi... and that’s pretty much as far back as it goes, but it’s still part of our family tradition. I cannot stand people calling me a bigot. I mean, you don’t even know me. Why do you judge me just because of this one little thing? That’s kind of what religious people sound like to me...

I think all international conflicts should be resolved by a 16 man, round-robin thumb war tournament.

You don’t have to like a person to defend them, and you don’t have to hate a person to criticize them.

If we teach abstinence because it is “100% effective,” why don’t we also teach about handjobs? I would argue they’re even more effective.

Dear Republicans: If you really want to piss off the terrorists, try supporting gay marriage. They hate that shit.

The Supreme Court listened to the oral arguments regarding gay marriage last March. They refused to listen to the anal arguments.

Do not fear, my little liberals. The world is not getting worse. Rather, what you are witnessing are the last flailing attempts of a dying generation to re-impose the ignorance they grew up in. They will fade into black before too long, and our memory of them will not be cruel, but merely absent, as we will forget all of their hemming and hawing once we have moved on without them. They do not even amount to one paragraph in our future history books.

The more I calmly explain things to people, the more I see how pointless it is to treat idiots with respect.

It wasn’t science that killed religion, it was mass literacy.

When God closes a door, I reopen it... because it’s a door, not a wall.

If shoe size is related to penis size, why aren’t there more clowns doing porn?

You know what you never see on a dating website? Women asking for more men to send them pictures of their penis.

Hey Blogosphere! I really like you, so I thought I’d let you in on a secret. They’ve cured cancer and AIDS and the flu and autism and restless leg syndrome... but the pharmaceutical industry doesn’t want you to know. All you need to do is eat a handful of bullshit.

If you want something done right, don’t do it yourself. Find a perfectionist you can tolerate and have them do it.

Today is the day when I take every single thing out of the refrigerator and only put it back in if I actually plan to use it. On a side note... why is there a “d” in “fridge,” but not “refrigerator?”

If you have a terminal illness but you can’t get insurance for healthcare, I suggest you kill a Republican lawmaker. Criminals in America are required by law to receive medical treatment.

Most people just say silly things online, but with my time on Facebook, I make the world a better place. Namely, by staying in my house on Facebook and not going out into the world.

I believe in responsible gun ownership. With thousands of innocent people being shot dead in America, gun owners are very much responsible.

Modern American liberalism has defeated itself with it’s own bullshit. They’re right on basically every issue, but there is a fatal flaw in the liberal ethos: they preach that it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, what is important is if you try. It’s no wonder they don’t seem to mind that they constantly lose on every political issue. I’ve gotten to the point where I think the only hope for America is for Republicans to swing left. They have the right work ethic... just no actual ethics.

Why do I oppose Israel? Well, just as one small example... my wife has Israeli citizenship, but we would not be allowed to get legally married in Israel because I’m not Jewish. Explain to me again why we donate billions to a country which is that overtly racist?

More atheists need to acknowledge that you don’t need to be an atheist to be brilliant, nor brilliant to be an atheist.

When I hear the old complain about how this country is deteriorating, I can’t help but think they’re really just talking about themselves.

Some people say, “What can I do? I’m only one person.” What more do you think is required for doing something?

The only problem with make-up sex is that eventually you get to the point where being yelled at gives you a boner.

Can anyone fucking explain to me why people repost things on Facebook and then, when questioned or criticized for it, say, “I don’t necessarily agree with what I posted.” Here’s a thought... then don’t fucking repost it without a critique. Why are you willingly being a tool and giving a voice to something you don’t agree with?

If religion were a drug, atheists would not have a tolerance for it.

What if the entire Republican Party was a massive conspiracy by Democrats to keep getting elected?

I don’t believe in nihilism.

I went to a strip club and was really disappointed. They made me put my clothes back on. Apparently they don’t want me as a member.

I don’t believe in perfect relationships. I believe in real relationships.

Most people know that “orange” is hard to rhyme, but so is “silver.”

So the new Pope says that gay couples adopting children constitutes child abuse. I’m inclined to believe him, because if there’s one thing the Vatican can be considered an expert on, it’s child abuse.

I’ve never liked the term “corporate whore.” It seems offensive to prostitutes, who are only fucking one person at a time.

I have to admit... I’m a little bit sexist. The first thing I notice about a woman is her tits, whereas that’s only the second thing I notice about a guy.

We have people who are transsexual, but are there any transracial people (i.e. a black person trapped in a white person’s body, or vice-versa)?

If we’re going to allow political ads, we need to also allow people to sue politicians for false advertising.

I think atheists pay closer attention to what the Pope says than any Catholic I know.

I’m more than a little disturbed by the fact that most Catholics are more upset about pedophile priest jokes than about pedophile priests.

I don’t think it’s fair that I got arrested for public nudity at a strip mall.

I was watching a nature show about lions and it mentioned that lions are like all predators: they don’t attack difficult game, they go for the sick, the young, the old, the weak. Then I got to thinking about religion and Republicans... and I thought, “Yeah, that is what predators do, isn’t it?”

So, I looked up what the new pope’s stance is when it comes to pedophilia. He prefers it bent over a pew.

I just took an online IQ test and got a 139. It says 135 is genius level. Damn... just 4 away... so close.

I’ve never had a threesome, but I have had sex with someone when I was so drunk that I had double vision.

I’m horrible at gardening. I planted bird seed last year and not a single bird grew.

I don’t think there’s any evidence that faith exists.

Some guys are born gay, while others are sucked into it.

Having interacted closely with hundreds of libertarians and anarchists, the one thing that shocks me about all of them is that each and every one of them, when given enough time, has censored me. That doesn’t say much for their view of freedom if they can’t even handle what I have to say.

Is it illegal to pay someone to not sleep with another person? Like... the opposite of prostitution.

Is it child porn if I post an ultrasound picture that includes my kid’s genitals? I don’t think it should count, since I’m pro-choice and don’t consider them a child yet...

I have news for you... if a band only sounds good on drugs, that’s like saying “That person is really attractive when you’re drunk.”

Some of the worst relationship advice you could ever follow is, “You have to be happy with yourself first. No one can love you until you love yourself.” That’s great advice for turning yourself into an insufferable, unbudging asshole who is set in their own ways and totally in love with themselves. It’s great advice for how to be alone until the day you die.

I’m going to start my own company that makes computers. I’m going to call it “Orange,” so that when people say they aren’t as good as Apple’s, I can say, “You can’t compare them.”

Treating everyone the same isn’t treating everyone equally. Just ask the lactose intolerant guy at a pizza party.

I’m thinking about buying a 3D printer so that I can print 3D printers.

People have actually remarked that I always do things my own way, like that’s a criticism or bad. Yet, I wouldn’t have to do anything my own way if people before me had done it right the first time.

I don’t believe in the ineffable. Everything can be effed.

Now that atheists have a noticeable presence in some corners of the internet, Christians who venture into those corners have a tendency to complain about being singled out and dismissed entirely whenever they try to participate in the conversation. FYI, that’s how atheists feel everywhere else.

I wanted to make a TV show about the roles of different people who make airline travel possible, but we didn’t get beyond the pilot.

I can’t believe “midget” is offensive and “little person” isn’t.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you’ll get repossessed.

Does anyone know what happens if you use the drugged bath salts as actual bath salts? Do you get a very relaxed feeling of wanting to bite someone’s face off?

I am always amused by single people who complain about how all the best ones are married. The answer is simple: date a married person.

Sometimes I think of something interesting to say, but I wait until late at night to post it. Insomniacs and Australians deserve new posts, too.

If I had a nickel for every person who blocked me on Facebook... I would stop holding back and get rich.