Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Weekly Horoscope 10/13/12

Aries – You will trip going up stairs, but you won’t fall or stub your toe

Taurus – If you aren’t patient, you’re going to burn the roof of your mouth

Gemini – After all these years, you will finally find out the name of that song

Cancer – Tip someone five dollars more than you usually would

Leo – It’s just a mole

Virgo – You should stop picking at it and just let it heal

Libra – It’s not too late to change that top…

Scorpio – Get a haircut

Sagittarius – Don’t look in the mirror so much

Capricorn – Sex is going to be really boring today

Aquarius – There isn’t anything you could have done

Pisces – You probably shouldn’t have done that

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Top Ten Things I Assume Are True of Mitt Romney... Until We See His Tax Returns

10. All the money lost by Bernie Madoff? Romney has it.
9. He donated $1.2 million to Al Qaeda
8. He “forgot” to pay taxes in 2008 after losing to McCain
7. His residence is officially located in Zurich, Switzerland
6. His college loans are still not paid off
5. He runs a charity, “O Sea D,” which helps obsessive-compulsive yacht owners acquire an extra vessel so that they have an even number
4. His wife is a five-child welfare queen
3. He qualified for a special “rapist exemption”
2. He has been taking deductions for his other wives
1. He is “El Chupa Cabra,” a notorious Columbian cocaine lord

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Weekly Horoscope 10/6/12

Aries – You’re going to wake up late and have to rush your morning routine.

Taurus – While trying to sleep, you’re going to have a pretty good idea.

Gemini – Take a chance, even though you’ll probably fail.

Cancer – Try shaving a little less.

Leo – Try shaving a little more.

Virgo – You’re going to get a lot of junk mail this week.

Libra – If it rains, don’t bother bringing an umbrella.

Scorpio – Wear a black top on Wednesday… trust me.

Sagittarius – Be on the lookout for money on the sidewalk.

Capricorn – Your internet will go out, but not for very long.

Aquarius – This is a good week to eat seafood.

Pisces – Stay away from anyone who is an Aquarius…

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Top Ten Actors Who Could Play Me In a Movie

10. Jonah Hill (the fat version)
9. Philip Seymour Hoffman
8. He’s not an actor, but Peter Jackson
7. Daniel Stern (the tall robber in “Home Alone”)
6. Andy Serkis (using CGI)
5. John C. Reilly
4. Rainn Wilson (Dwight on “The Office”)
3. Meryl Streep
2. Zach Galifianakis
1. Seth Rogan