Saturday, December 1, 2012

Down With the Boy Scouts

Ah, Boy Scouts… I never got beyond Cub Scout myself, but I enjoyed playing with knives and fire so much that I never gave it up. I just stopped wasting time at those stupid meetings, and I don’t miss wearing those fruity outfits. Frankly, I’m happy to have gotten out before I earned my Molestation Badge. Between Scouts and the Catholic Church, I definitely dodged two bullets in my childhood.

You find a lot of similarities between the Catholic Church and Boy Scouts, besides the child abuse and institutional cover-ups. You also have God, for some reason. I know most atheists would focus on the God stuff (and by extension, their anti-homosexual agenda), and that’s fine. That’s a fair point, I suppose. But I look at the Boy Scouts as being more like the Pledge of Allegiance… you can take God out, but why bother with it at all?

Seriously… what is the point of Boy Scouts? Unless you think the Hunger Games was a poignantly accurate look into our dystopian future, there’s really no use in the traditional survivalist skills being taught in Boy Scouts. Well, no scratch that… there may be some use, but I can’t think of any legal reason why you need to be skilled with knots today, in the 20th 21st century.

Some people are undoubtedly in favor of fixing the Boy Scouts, but I say scratch the whole concept and start over. Today’s kids need real skills, and they’d be better off learning how to use and program computers than learning how to build a fire with just some wood and your ass hair. Kids could even be doing something that was actually fun, as opposed to sleeping outside like homeless people.

When are you ever going to use camping skills today? I mean… besides waiting in line for the next iPhone or Peter Jackson epic…

We also need an organization with updated attire. Can we all just agree on jeans and a t-shirt? And not “Kick My Ass” orange, like I had to wear as a cub scout. Maybe just a plain black t-shirt, that way everyone looks like they’re about to do stand-up comedy. That seems a lot less militaristic (and strangely fetishistic) than the current uniforms… which I think make Scouts look like a bunch of little Officer Dangles from Reno 911.

In deciding whether to just scrap Scouts altogether, I thought I would look up whether there have been any famous people who were in the organization, men who were perhaps molded by it. I just wanted to get a feel for what society might be missing out on if we got rid of the group entirely. So, here’s just a few of the names you might recognize from the list of Former Scouts:

George W. Bush (current worst President of the century)
Bill Clinton (blowjob aficionado)
Barack Obama (current second-worst President of the century)
Ted Bundy (women’s hacktivist)
Richard Gere (gerbil lover)
Jimmy Buffett (professional alcoholic)
Jim Morrison (Lizard King)
Jimmy Stewart (went to Washington)

Oh, and the list gets even more interesting when you look at just those who achieved the highest rank of Eagle Scout:

Donald Rumsfeld (popularized waterboarding)
L. Ron Hubbard (alien worshipper)
Fred Phelps (hates fags)
Michael Moore (baseball cap enthusiast)
Michael Bloomberg (anti-soda crusader)
Steven Spielberg (college drop-out)
Gerald Ford (only unelected President)
Rick Perry (Governor, Presidential candidate, and… um, I forgot the third one)

The more I look into it, the more it seems like Boy Scouts is a worthless, meaningless, and altogether useless organization, one which is required by law to be provided space to use on government land, including public elementary and secondary schools, parks, and other facilities. The ACLU has already successfully fought to end direct sponsorship by US military bases and schools, which before 2004 had held the charters of over 10,000 Scouting troops.

I certainly don’t agree with the creed the Boy Scouts live by:

Scout Oath
On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake, and morally straight.

I love how they snuck in “morally straight.” And the “Scout Law” is even worse:

Scout Law: A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

Obedience is pretty bad, and I can’t ever respect someone who pledges to be obedient, but I think the worst has to be “cheerful.” I cannot abide someone who is cheerful; cheerful people should be put out of my misery. I’m also not too keen on the idea of being “reverent.”

Which brings me back to the Pledge of Allegiance, and I suppose religion. Kids don’t even understand what is going on here. They don’t know what “reverent” means. How does a kid take an oath to “do [his] duty to God and [his] country” when he’s in 2nd or 3rd grade? How does a 2nd grader even do his duty to God and country? I feel that if by that age you aren’t picking your nose and wiping it on the underside of your desk, you’re ahead of the curve… but I can’t imagine you’re capable of taking on the Ruskies.

We as a society shouldn’t be foisting complex – and often controversial – ideas on children, nor should we have them mindlessly drone on about upholding petty ideals they don’t even understand. I don’t think any of this crap is particularly noble, but even if you’re the sort of twisted fuck who cherishes such notions… you ought to be ashamed of pushing this stuff on children.

Kids should be learning, not pledging oaths. Kids should be finding out what they believe, not being told what to believe. But perhaps most importantly, kids should be part of an organization that sells delicious cookies, not stale popcorn.

And that is why, if I have a son, he’s not going to be a Boy Scout; he’s going to be a Girl Scout.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Random Thoughts, October 1st - November 10th, 2012

I hope black people aren’t offended by being associated with awesome foods like watermelon or fried chicken. If your race had to be pegged as liking a certain food, I think black people may have won. The only food that comes to mind when I think of a white person is a cracker.

The greatest moment is when you cancel your cable and they want their box back. I tell them they can pick it up at my house sometime between 8am and 7pm, whenever I happen to be available. Then I leave the country for a week.

I think what I like most about Jerry Falwell is that you can piss on his grave.

If someone offered me a slightly stale sandwich and I declined, they wouldn’t chide me by saying, “What, you would rather eat an old shoe?” And yet, this is what Obama supporters do on a daily basis when I say I’m not voting for him.

Every day, I spend a little time researching three things. First, I look to see what Republicans are saying. Next, I find out what Democrats are saying. After that, I go to a closet, scream for a bit, and then find out what’s actually happening.

Anyone who thinks that you would want to be on welfare has never been on welfare.

What if Mitt Romney is a liberal conspiracy to get Obama re-elected? I’d certainly have more respect for the Democrats...

When I hear someone say that they would never “stoop” to adopting the effective tactics of their enemies, it sounds to me like soldiers who don’t want to lay low in a ditch while under fire because it might get their pretty uniform dirty.

I think the moderator of the first presidential debate was a replacement referee.

Mitt Romney is being trumpeted by the media as the winner of last night’s debate. Ask Newt Gingrich how important that is...

Whenever someone brings up genetic engineering, some idiot always says something about how it will result in a bunch of blonde-haired, blue-eyed kids. Right... because I guess it will be overseen by Hitler’s ghost.

You ever fart and have the smell make you wonder if perhaps you should change your diet?

I don’t have insomnia, but sometimes there are so many things I want to read that I stay up until 4am.

“No one’s perfect” is the last defense of every monster who hopes they may slip away as merely being misunderstood.

Facebook discourages personal development, because part of changing who you are is coming into contact with people who are different, who disagree with you, and who see the world in another way. It’s easier to unfriend or block someone than to grow as a person.

I find that people exclude others in the name “creating a safe place,” because that sounds so much better than admitting to being prejudiced and intolerant.

I find it odd that some feminists waste their time policing language and demanding everything be gender-neutralized... and yet they call themselves “feminists,” not “personists” or “equalists.” I am not suggesting they change the name of their movement... because changing language doesn’t fix anything.

One of the most common and dangerous moral traps one can fall into is to believe that you should treat others the way you have been treated.

I find it odd that I see so many women criticizing how other women look... and it’s also women who complain about how our society has such tough physical standards for women.

Atheism isn’t so much a religion as a process of elimination.

The best I can tell, a “first-world nation” is one that treats it’s citizens well while dropping bombs on the third-world.

I sometimes wonder why the elderly are so stupid and clueless about a great many things, when I was taught that the old are wise. Then, I learned that during the Great Depression, schools were closed. The older generations have more high school drop-outs and illiterates than the supposed delinquents growing up today. In short, it’s not that the old got stupid, they’ve just always been stupid.

Commenting on Facebook is sort of like gambling in a casino: it’s all about knowing when to quit.

I wanted to get my dog fixed, but I decided to save the money and just teach him how to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Why do Christians oppose casual sex? It’s just sex, you shouldn’t have to put on a tie.

I think we should update the voting process, but since America is so far behind, we aren’t ready for internet voting yet. I think we should get the ball rolling and elect our public officials via the radio. The 9th caller gets to be president, if you know the phrase that pays.

What I don’t get about Obama supporters is that they simultaneously claim he was a good president with many accomplishments... but that he wasn’t able to do anything because of Republicans.

If I want to be Obama for Halloween, would it be racist to go in half-black face?

Sometimes I slip and say something out of habit, like, “Thank God.” I would feel bad, but I’m just not worried about going to Atheist Hell.

If tribes in America developed guns and crossed the Atlantic first, I’d be sitting on a reservation in Europe complaining about how these heathens who practice human sacrifice and cannibalism stole my land.

Getting angry at Christopher Columbus is like blaming Einstein for Hiroshima.

At some point, Democrats and Republicans are going to have to exist peacefully, side by side. For most of them, I imagine this will only happen in a cemetery.

Democrats have turned into what they hate about Republicans, and vice versa, because Democrats trample on civil liberties as they bomb foreigners, while Republican spending is out of control.

How to compromise in a marriage: if one person wants to do something, and the second person doesn’t want to, the compromise is to do it while the second person complains.

If PBS is closed down by Republicans, I predict that Bert and Ernie will get a new show on Logo.

Nobody I know who has had one regrets getting an abortion; they regret getting pregnant.

What if instead of one soul, we have two, and each takes turns... like a sort of bi-psychle

I hate coughing up blood. It makes me rethink my decision to inhale blood.

I don’t mind being a childish fool. Sometimes it takes a childish fool to point out the emperor has no clothes.

Democrats are more excited about the idea of voting than their actual candidates. It’s like someone who just wants to have sex with whoever will say “yes” (as opposed to Republicans, who want to have sex with everyone who says No).

A generation that leaves it’s children and grandchildren in debt does not deserve retirement.

If you know that telling someone not to do something will make them more inclined to do it, you’re already smarter than the God of Abraham.

I’ll believe that children are our future when old people stop making decisions that screw us over for decades.

Why is the Affordable Healthcare Act a failure? Well, for starters, it’s not a success when America’s poor still can’t get healthcare that is on-par with convicted murderers.

I don’t think anyone over 65 should be allowed to vote. If you probably aren’t going to be around in 20 years, you shouldn’t be making decisions that affect those who will.

How do I know being rich won’t make you happy? Because the wealthy have everything, and they still want more.

I think instead of bombs, we should drop porn on Islamic countries. That should do it.

My wife fell asleep during the presidential debates. That about sums it up.

If you are unable to tell your friend when they are wrong, it would be better for both of you if you become enemies.

To believe the government can fix everything is foolish and naive, but to believe the government can fix nothing is worse; it’s libertarian.

I sometimes get the feeling that Obama knows what he’s talking about, but has no idea what he’s doing.

You know what would make lawn work so much easier? A lightsaber.

I think it’s important to live your life in such a way that no one will ever want to join your fan club.

I think the problem with the world is that the pre-internet generation hasn’t died off yet. Older people got into a habit of fighting over who was right, because they lacked the tools to easily discover the truth, whereas now... we can just Google it, find out who was right, then move on.

Seeing Democrats mocking Republicans for being corrupt warmongers seems eerily similar to Christians who make fun of Scientologists for being duped into joining a cult.

If you feel the need to tell other people what they should find beautiful, you’re an ugly person.

If your self-esteem is dependent on how attractive you are, you deserve to want to die.

You ever find yourself near someone in public who is talking to themselves... and there is that awkward few seconds as you try to find out if they’re just a normal person or crazy?

I don’t think the old get to criticize the young for anything in America until they pay their debts. I think the people who are actually going to pay should be the ones complaining.

“Being offended” is your brain’s lazy attempt to not have to think.

I can’t tell if I’m balding or if I’m capable of living in denial for a while longer.

No company is going to lay people off when Obama is re-elected. CEOs only care about having more money, and you don’t earn more money by shrinking your business. These rich snobs remind me of a kid threatening to hold their breath until they get their way.

Third parties never accomplish anything, just ask Abraham Lincoln.

I sort of get why so many people want to help animals in a world where so many people suffer. Most people are beyond help, but most animals are not.

As far as I can tell, the only selling point for the Democratic Party at the moment is, “We’re not Republicans.”

When election day comes, I won’t be voting for Obama. I would like nothing more than for Obama to win and go on to have a great second term, but when that probably doesn’t happen and he goes back to being a mediocre conservative, I will be glad to have not been a part of it.

If you’re too afraid to fail, you’re also too afraid to succeed.

I saw a product today that seemed like something I would have come up with, and I’m angry I didn’t think of it first. It’s called Perky Jerky, and it’s caffeinated beef jerky. But wait, it gets better. They also make a poultry product called Turkey Perky Jerky. Brilliant... absolutely brilliant.

Democrats are very upset with Romney for saying things that people want to hear, just to get elected. That’s Obama’s job.

It used to be difficult to explain to people how in the past, religion and government were one in the same. Now, thanks to modern Republicans, we have an accessible example.

There is so much hostility over third parties because the wealthy don’t want there to be another group of politicians they have to buy.

The biggest difference between George W. Bush and Mitt Romney is that Mitt Romney will never be president.

Is it too much to ask for a presidential candidate with facial hair? And no, it’s not sexist. It’s about time we have a Greek woman in the White House.

Republicans cannot point to Fast and Furious without looking stupid. Let me get this straight... guns make us safer... unless the government sells them... then they make us less safe?

America has an interesting system of immigration. Basically, we spend our money making the rest of the world unlivable, then we complain about people coming to America to avoid the foreign and economic policies that caused them to move.

People have a limited capacity for good, and an unlimited capacity for bad. This explains a lot.

I was beginning to think I shouldn’t use words like “bitch” and “cunt,” but then I thought, “Why do I care what a bunch of bitches and cunts think?”

The problem with liberals is that they’ll silence you for name-calling, but not for lying. As a result, lying is part of legitimate debate, while name-calling is blasphemy against the belief that we are each godlike.

Mitt Romney wants every child to grow up in a household with at least two parents... but why stop at two?

In America, there are only two classes: the working class and the rich. The working class work for their money. With the rich, their money works for them.

The answer to all of our problems is to question everything.

You know what’s really patriotic and mature? Pretending you are going to leave the country if your guy doesn’t win the election.

I don’t make fun of both Romney and Obama because I want to be fair, I do it because they’re both douches.

I’ve solved the immigration problem and the drug problem in this country. I think we should give citizenship to anyone who crosses the border with narcotics. There, I killed two birds with one stoned.

I think if you lose a presidential election, the winner should get all of your money.

“Censor” is the politically correct term for “bitch.”

There is nothing more offensive than censorship.

What makes most censors such cowards is that they don’t even acknowledge that they are censors. They think that since they are not the government sending me off to some gulag, then “censor” shouldn’t apply to them. And yet, I call you a censor because you wouldn’t appreciate it if I called you a pussy. That’s self-censorship. See how versatile that word is?

If you ever feel like I’ve offended you, realize that what I’m actually thinking is always much worse. I never get any credit for all the awful things I don’t say...

I don’t know why anyone is surprised by the Boy Scouts pedophile scandal. Whenever you have Christians making a big show of keeping gay people away from children, you can be sure someone is getting molested.

I don’t understand why atheists go on and on about religious people being stupid. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. I’ve explained atheism to children and the mentally challenged without any problem, so it’s not about how smart you are. Religious people are just willfully uninterested in the truth.

I don’t miss being single, even though I was surprisingly successful with the ladies, despite my below average looks (below average is being charitable... I’m a 3/10, maybe a 4 after a good haircut). But even though I was with way more amazing women than I had any right to be with, I was always a gentleman. I insisted on paying for the abortions.

Some part of me is going to miss all the political talk after the election. Another part wants to strangle the first part.

I don’t see why people are so upset about Ann Romney pointing out that her sons did mission work rather than going into the military. I don’t like religion, but even I can acknowledge that trying to convert people to Mormonism isn’t as bad as murdering Muslims.

If you want to know what Republicans are up to, just listen to what they accuse Democrats of doing: spending too much money, ruining the economy, rigging elections... and if you want to know what Democrats are doing, the answer is always the same: nothing.

Sadly, there is no polite way to explain to someone that they need to shut the fuck up and listen.

America just may destroy itself in defense of the freedom to be dumb.

I wish Obama would reach across the aisle and work with liberals.

It’s not that I don’t believe in depression... I just believe more firmly is getting over it.

I don’t understand people who abuse drugs. I treat mine very humanely.

I’ve never been in an orgy, and I don’t think I would know how to handle it. The etiquette alone is a mystery to me. Like, once I start having sex with someone, can I just pull out and have sex with someone else without cleaning up first, or is that frowned upon like double-dipping?

Those who do nothing always complain about how little is done by those who act.

When an athlete says they give 110%, I assume the extra 10% is steroids.

My wife and I have been trying some exciting things in the bedroom department. Unfortunately, we’ve been banned from Ikea.

How do I know I live a charmed life of privilege? I have been given everything I never wanted.

Some people say I’m crazy, but there are others who don’t know me.

I went to college to earn a BS, and I have to say... it is aptly named.

Never trust the people you know over the people who know.

Identity is an illusion people conjure when they are too lazy to let their actions speak for themselves.

Talking to old people about how to fix their computers can be as frustrating as talking about religion with... well, old people.

Blocking someone on Facebook seems about as smart as believing that if you close your eyes, the whole world disappears.

I don’t understand why people get offended by words like “pussy” or “cunt,” but no one cares if you call someone a “boob.” Who decides which body parts are offensive?

Religion isn’t so bad. I’ve read the Bible several times now without incident. It’s religious people you have to watch out for.

I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare where I was acting polite.

I would love to live on Mars. Days there last 24 hours and 37 minutes. I think that little bit of extra time is enough for me to actually stay on top of things while getting enough sleep.

I think it’s too much to ask for Americans to be smarter, but can we at least get the people they copy their ideas from to be smarter?

Does it seem odd to anyone else that people are allowed to vote early before the third debate has even taken place?

Elections are sort of like the World Cup. You aren’t sure of who will win, but you can be sure America will lose.

I think the conservative strategy has been to create so many problems that liberals can’t even agree on what to fix first.

I never weigh myself, so it’s hard for me to relate to others how successful my diet and exercise routine is. I use a different set of metrics: I’ve gone down 3 belt sizes and I can last about 6 more minutes on top (I’m up to seven minutes now).

There’s nothing quite like being given a lecture on how much privilege I have from someone via their mobile smartphone.

Blaming non-voters for the politicians we have is like a girl who is raped at a party blaming everyone who didn’t show up.

Forget cell phones, I’m going to tell my kids about way back in the day when luggage didn’t have wheels and we had to carry it everywhere.

In the future, the answer to every question in a debate will be, “It’s on my website.”

I think Mitt Romney’s best selling point on foreign policy is that you know he’s well liked abroad by how many millions of dollars foreigners are donating to his campaign.

Bacon is so good, I cannot believe it’s still legal.

I am going to set out to learn at least one new thing every day. Today, I learned how hard it is to learn something new.

Well, I found something worse than a person who will block you: someone who will never shut up about how much they’re offended by what you say.

Whoever said liberals were more tolerant never disagreed with one.

I don’t understand why vulgar terms are sometimes called “slurs.” Would people prefer if we enunciate better when we insult them?

Words have power, but they lack the power to change most people. Rather, words have the power to reveal a person; they can make a thoughtful person think, an angry person anger, and boy can they offend the easily offended... but change never comes from the words of others, only from the quiet reflection of those who listen.

I feel bad for young people with sexual fetishes. What kinds of things are they going to have to do to get off when they get old? Save something for retirement, kids.

Sky Mall was so much more amazing before there was internet.

Let’s be honest... you spent most of the last 4 years not paying attention, and now you’re just casting a vote for the same party you always vote for. Explain to me again how non-voters are ruining America.

I don’t really get why atheists recommend that believers read Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens or Sam Harris. If I could recommend a religious person read one book that would make them an atheist, it would have to be the Bible.

My wife said she heard an owl. It was me wheezing.

It’s not that society depresses me, it just doesn’t impress me.

If I could magically make all the world believe one particular idea to be true, I wouldn’t.

So far, the biggest difference I’ve seen between George W. Bush and Barack Obama is that Obama is black... and technically, that’s only half of a difference.

Obama has made killing Muslims popular... which I guess makes Bush a hipster for doing it before it was cool.

If Monsanto destroys the world, I think we should call it “farmageddon.”

I find that my best ideas come when I’m very tired and I’ve forgotten who originally said it.

I consider myself an “environmental voter.” I won’t vote for someone who killed a bunch of trees to send me crap in the mail.

Dogs and kids are nothing alike. For example, I’ve never wanted to hit another person’s dog.

I think we should let felons vote, but stop letting them run for office.

Whenever I try to formulate a feminist compliment for my wife, it never turns out right. “You have a very sexy mind. I totally want to mind fuck you...”

We lie and say that our troops “die for our freedom” because that sounds a lot better than admitting they die for nothing.

I’ve heard the argument made several times now that insults like “cunt” are unfair for men to use because nothing a woman can say will ever compare. Bullshit. Now... I don’t want to give anything away, but if you really want to insult a guy, tell him he has a tiny penis. That is the worst insult for either gender, by far. Why? Because anyone can stop acting like a cunt, but you can’t do anything about having a small penis... trust me, I’ve tried everything.

I find it odd that Democrats are welcoming Colin Powell’s endorsement of Obama. The last thing he endorsed was the Iraq War... not a good track record.

Modern art isn’t dead, it’s just in the process of reincarnating.

If corporations are people, does that mean failing to keep a company alive before it goes public is an abortion?

I’ll never understand why being sure of one thing causes some people to see me as being a “know-it all.” Look, I can barely fill out a check without help... I don’t know everything.

You know who I feel bad for? Diabetic kids on Halloween.

When you set out for revenge, be sure to dig two graves: one for your target, and another for any witnesses.

I don’t believe in the Pope.

Every time I hear an adult use the word “bully,” I have an uncontrollable urge to give them a swirlie.

It’s interesting that Democrats would like to blame non-voters if Romney gets elected, but non-voters won’t get any credit when Obama is re-elected... even though they could have just as easily have voted for Romney.

This election year, Republicans complain about things Obama had nothing to do with, while Democrats complain that Romney will do things Obama is already doing. It’s enough to make you give up on Americans.

Remember: the media gets better ratings when the election looks close. I think it’s safe for Democrats to start planning their victory parties now, and Republicans can start polishing their guns.

If someone ever brainwashes my kid, I’ll just have to make their mind dirty again.

Now that parents don’t spank their kids anymore, will being put in time out become a sexual fetish?

We need real heroes, not cancer survivors and soldiers.

I think the only thing I don’t like about America is Americans.

I always assume that a person who won’t admit who they voted for is either embarrassed or a pussy.

A liberal voting for Obama is like giving a participation trophy to a loser.

I had a relationship with Jesus for a while, then I found out he was cheating on me with billions of people.

If I had a nickel for every time I made someone laugh, I’d probably be dead from an overdose by now.

People have asked me if I act the same way in person that I do online. I’m pretty much the same both places, except I can’t throat punch anyone online.

Idea for Texas State Fair: Crucifried Jesus, fish sticks in the shape of a cross with a little gummy bear on it.

There is a little truth in all of my jokes, except those pertaining to me having a small penis. There’s a lot of truth in those jokes.

Sex is better than humor, if only because jokes aren’t funny after a dozen times.

I had to take a drug test recently. The good news is I passed. The bad news is I need to find a better dealer.

I’ve only performed on stage once in my life, as one of the Roman executioners in a live performance of “The Passion of the Christ.” I nailed it.

I have come to the conclusion that Republicans nominated Mitt Romney because they wanted Obama re-elected. Congratulations on killing liberalism in America. Seriously, well played.

You know how there is a “Do Not Call” list? I want a “Do Not Mail” list I can sign up for, just for political junk mail.

Millions are without power in the Northeast for the 2nd day in a row. Meanwhile, billions are without power in Africa and Southeast Asia for... well, ever.

I study history, not because I think I can stop it from repeating, but so that I can sing along when it does.

I think I like Halloween better as an adult. It’s less walking, I get the joy of making other people happy, and I have the money to buy whatever candy I want the next day at low, low prices.

Looking at how well the government works during a crisis, I almost wish we were facing a constant series of disasters. Given how much we’ve let the country turn to shit, I just might get that wish.

When I hear the old chiding my generation for being upset with the government because “the young don’t understand how government works,” I can’t help but look at the government that the old have been electing for decades and think, “I’m positive that the old have no clue how government works.”

Some Christian parents fear their children will turn out gay, and frankly I can relate to that. I sometimes worry that when I have kids, they’ll turn out to be Christians.

Conservatives say that liberals want government to solve all our problems. The truth is, liberals want government to fix the problems no one else is fixing, because only the government can or will.

Patience is only a virtue for immortals.

Republicans seriously want us to believe that a guy who couldn’t get a jobs bill passed will become a fascist dictator.

Republicans are in a tough spot, because even deciding to do the right thing won’t look good coming from them at this point. Can you imagine how it would be interpreted if Republicans suggested providing free “inoculations” for the poor?

America is too great of a nation for Democrats or Republicans to ruin it. It takes both working together to make it crumble.

If you vote for a third party, you might be wasting your vote. If you vote for a Democrat or a Republican, you’re definitely wasting your vote.

Because I vote for a third party, I am told that I don’t understand how the government works. How strange... because I vote for a third party due to the fact that I am well acquainted with how the government doesn’t work.

If I were Obama, the first thing I would do after winning the election would be to have Mitt Romney audited.

How do I know voting for a third party is a good idea? Because both Republicans and Democrats think it’s a bad idea.

For me, the choice in any presidential election is between a third party candidate and not voting. I think voting third party makes more of a statement, so I go with that.

I think it was a poor choice for Republicans to court the rapist vote. Someone should have warned them that felons can’t vote in most states.

I wonder if the South is so red because they’re embarrassed...

Colorado legalized marijuana. Looks like the next time I go skiing, I will be hitting the trees.

States legalizing marijuana, actual liberals being elected to the House and Senate... it’s almost enough to cancel out Obama being re-elected!

With Obama’s re-election, women can rest easy knowing their vaginas are safe... unless you live in Afghanistan or Pakistan... in which case, watch your back.

Right now, I’m having a good laugh at the wealthy Romney donors who basically threw billions of dollars into a hole and lit it on fire.

I love pork balls. Now, I know how that sounds, but I assure you, it’s not what you’re thinking. It’s not some pork dish shaped into a ball, I mean pig testicles.

The ghost of bigfoot told me that aliens killed JFK.

Claiming Obama won because Democrats suppressed Republican voters is like saying Mitt Romney lost because he’s black.

The true talent of the Republican Party is that they are able to convince people that the wealthy and well-off are actually victims. This is a concept that even the world’s greatest thinkers would be unable to argue, at least while keeping a straight face.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Weekly Horoscope 10/13/12

Aries – You will trip going up stairs, but you won’t fall or stub your toe

Taurus – If you aren’t patient, you’re going to burn the roof of your mouth

Gemini – After all these years, you will finally find out the name of that song

Cancer – Tip someone five dollars more than you usually would

Leo – It’s just a mole

Virgo – You should stop picking at it and just let it heal

Libra – It’s not too late to change that top…

Scorpio – Get a haircut

Sagittarius – Don’t look in the mirror so much

Capricorn – Sex is going to be really boring today

Aquarius – There isn’t anything you could have done

Pisces – You probably shouldn’t have done that

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Top Ten Things I Assume Are True of Mitt Romney... Until We See His Tax Returns

10. All the money lost by Bernie Madoff? Romney has it.
9. He donated $1.2 million to Al Qaeda
8. He “forgot” to pay taxes in 2008 after losing to McCain
7. His residence is officially located in Zurich, Switzerland
6. His college loans are still not paid off
5. He runs a charity, “O Sea D,” which helps obsessive-compulsive yacht owners acquire an extra vessel so that they have an even number
4. His wife is a five-child welfare queen
3. He qualified for a special “rapist exemption”
2. He has been taking deductions for his other wives
1. He is “El Chupa Cabra,” a notorious Columbian cocaine lord

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Weekly Horoscope 10/6/12

Aries – You’re going to wake up late and have to rush your morning routine.

Taurus – While trying to sleep, you’re going to have a pretty good idea.

Gemini – Take a chance, even though you’ll probably fail.

Cancer – Try shaving a little less.

Leo – Try shaving a little more.

Virgo – You’re going to get a lot of junk mail this week.

Libra – If it rains, don’t bother bringing an umbrella.

Scorpio – Wear a black top on Wednesday… trust me.

Sagittarius – Be on the lookout for money on the sidewalk.

Capricorn – Your internet will go out, but not for very long.

Aquarius – This is a good week to eat seafood.

Pisces – Stay away from anyone who is an Aquarius…

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Top Ten Actors Who Could Play Me In a Movie

10. Jonah Hill (the fat version)
9. Philip Seymour Hoffman
8. He’s not an actor, but Peter Jackson
7. Daniel Stern (the tall robber in “Home Alone”)
6. Andy Serkis (using CGI)
5. John C. Reilly
4. Rainn Wilson (Dwight on “The Office”)
3. Meryl Streep
2. Zach Galifianakis
1. Seth Rogan

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Weekly Horoscope 9/29/12

Aries – You’re going to be late to something soon.

Taurus – Don’t forget to thank the people who serve you food.

Gemini – You are not going to like the next commercial you see.

Cancer – Google Image search will let you down tomorrow.

Leo – Don’t forget to tie your shoes (better yet, something with straps).

Virgo – The next time you do laundry, you’re going to lose a sock.

Libra – Don’t worry so much.

Scorpio – You, on the other hand, should worry more.

Sagittarius – Some leftovers in the fridge have gone bad.

Capricorn – Try harder to use your turn signal.

Aquarius – What you think on an important matter will change.

Pisces – Stay ready…

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Wednesday Word: Libocrite

Libocrite: one who opposed an action by Bush, but is okay with Obama doing it

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Top Ten Questions I Have for Mitt Romney

10. Ça va?
9. How young are your other wives?
8. What’s your favorite beer?
7. What’s your preferred finishing sex position?
6. How did you lose your virginity?
5. Where is Kolob?
4. Do you really think Republicans would nominate a Latino?
3. Which part of a pizza would you be? (I bet it’s the crust)
2. Would you rather fight a lion or a shark?
1. Are you an asshole?

Monday, September 24, 2012

Privilege, the Liberal Shame and Blame Game

I’m liberal and I know how privileged I am, but it pisses me off when someone else brings it up. I can imagine situations where it wouldn’t bother me… like, if I had just achieved something and someone reminded me how lucky I am, how much help I had along the way (and I have had a lot of help along the way, even though I have achieved nothing).

I get it: when I achieve, I didn’t do it in a vacuum. I’m more than happy to share the credit and pay it forward to others so that they have the chance to succeed. In this case, privilege is a good thing: it’s the culmination of all the aid I’ve received over the years, and it makes me feel gratitude for those around me and society at large. It would even be a privilege in itself to have the ability to help others be as happy as I am.

But if you spend any time discussing social issues with a liberal you disagree with, you can be sure you’re in for privilege shaming.

If you’re white and point out that black people aren’t doing themselves any favors by committing so much crime against fellow black people, or that black people who do succeed often flee their community, leaving their former-neighbors to fend for themselves (the now well-documented phenomenon of “black flight”), you may be in for a guilt trip about how privileged you are to be white and able to buy band-aids of your skin tone.

If you’re male and you think that women are over-stepping equality and favoring women, or suggest that talking to a female stranger in public isn’t sexual harassment, you might be in for a big dose of gender shaming over how scared women are all the time.

Never mind the fact that my skin is so pale that I actually can’t find band-aids in my skin tone, or that I’m so paranoid that I am worried about being murdered every time I leave the house (despite my magical penis, which supposedly prevents me from ever being a target…).

Basically, liberals are shooting themselves in the foot. Personally, I’m confident enough in who I am to not let it bother me directly (probably because I do have so much going for me), but it bothers me that liberals are actively turning off some to liberalism simply because of physical characteristics. I didn’t choose to be a white male, I didn’t choose to be straight or be born into a wealthy family.

“But Bret, we’re trying to increase awareness of the inequalities still present in society.” No, you aren’t. If you cared about inequality, you would be worried about the problems people face, not how easy you think I have it. We need to focus on solving problems of inequality, not pointing fingers.

The ideology seems to be this: we live in a zero-sum society where straight, white males get more, and as a consequence, everyone who isn’t is losing out. That’s not really how it works.

I don’t benefit by being given options I don’t need while someone who has more potential than me squanders their future in squalor. I benefit when society benefits, and society benefits from a meritocracy, not from sexism, racism, sexual discrimination, or aristocracy.

Somewhere in a ghetto or trailer park is a poor kid who doesn’t have a chance, but if they did, they might have cured a form of cancer I one day contract. A black man arrested for drug use and put in jail might have become an effective President of the United States, if only drugs had been legal. A woman who wasn’t given a chance might have made what would have been my favorite movie of all time. There are an infinite number of scenarios under which I would benefit if life was fair for everyone.

What’s more, knowing how unfair society is doesn’t help the situation. There are people out there helping others who have no idea how lucky they have it, while there are also people who know how many advantages they’ve gotten in life, but they don’t care to help anyone one bit.

The answer to society’s problems is treating others fairly, not faulting those who are fortunate. One person acting is worth more than a million people with “awareness,” and good luck endearing someone to act in favor of your cause after you’ve told them that they don’t deserve what they have.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Weekly Horoscope 9/21/12

Aries – don’t wear that out of the house… what are you thinking?

Taurus – you should drink less tea and soda for a while

Gemini – your allergies are going to start acting up soon

Cancer – even though it seems pointless, keep trying

Leo – chew your food better

Virgo – try getting out of the house more

Libra – always remember to signal before turning

Scorpio – be careful the next time you’re up on a ladder

Sagittarius – why don’t you try watching a new TV show?

Capricorn – the next person you laugh at is a better person than you are

Aquarius – quit biting your nails

Pisces – you will enjoy your next haircut

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Top Ten: Worst Flirtation Lines

10. My father is very important.
9. Have you ever eaten alligator meat?
8. What happened to your face?
7. Do you believe in divorce?
6. I respect the bravery it took to wear that.
5. Do you like Ayn Rand?
4. So, are we doing this thing or…
3. Do you cut your own hair?
2. Boy these walls are thick, I bet they’re sound proof.
1. I can fit my fist in my mouth, can you? * shove your fist into their mouth*

Monday, September 17, 2012

The Problem With Choice and Individuality

Oh what a fascist I am, to even suggest that choice and individuality are anything but sacred… but they aren’t. As with most things in life, when you take something to its extreme, it starts going rotten. Choice and individuality have reached that point in America, and perhaps on the internet at large.

Little choices make little difference, of course. Life in America isn’t eroding because there are dozens of different breakfast cereals and soft drinks. In fact, very few consumer choices are really a problem. If anything, more consumer choices would be nice in some cases, and more political choices would certainly be a huge benefit to all. However, when it comes to media… that may not be the case.

I wouldn’t have thought that a while ago. I would have said, “There’s very little choice in media.” However, this isn’t true. There are literally countless different forms of media, thanks to the internet. Whether you’re a hippie liberal, a staunch Ron Paul support, a right-wing conservative, or anything in-between, there are a lot of options out there.

I’m sure some perspective remains untapped… so if you’re a pre-op mermaid who speaks Russian and can’t get enough of the Beach Boys… okay, I admit, you might have trouble finding exactly what you want. Sorry you feel so left out… but for the other 99.9% of us, there is no shortage of media catering to our every whim.

In fact, thanks to social media like Facebook and Twitter, you can essentially customize your own page to include input from mundane sources like your friends and family right alongside posts by your favorite actors, singers, politicians and porn stars. You can follow your favorite team, “Like” your beer of choice, and retweet what the Shah of Siam just said to Lady Gaga.

The problem is… this is dividing people in profound ways. It would be mostly harmless if it was just on matters of products. I don’t imagine Coca-Cola’s Facebook followers will declare war on Pepsi fans. However, I can already see that happening with politics.

No one has to listen to anyone anymore. It used to be that you watched the news. It showed what was happening in the world, and politicians would react to it. You heard both people speak, and you made up your mind based on what was going on. Not so anymore.

Now, you can expect to get one side of the story, and you’re lucky if it’s even a meaningful side. Through years of friending, unfriending, blocking, inviting and banning, we have divided our virtual selves into isolated cloisters. Even if we have that token opponent on our status update, it’s invariably the most moderate opposition view the other side can muster.

Most conservatives have no idea what Obama actually believes. Most liberals have no idea what Mitt Romney actually believes (though to be fair, neither does Mitt Romney). Each side inundates their fellow ideologues with an endless stream of the same out-of-context sound bytes, creating an echo chamber.

Don’t misunderstand me… I know this has gone on for all of history to some degree. Hell, even high school operates on the principle of cliques that interact with each other in varying degrees of frequency and hostility. It’s not a complex concept, not do I think it’s very controversial or novel. It’s just… sad.

It’s sad because we live in an age when anyone can connect to anyone, but in the end… we still want to close ourselves off. We willfully censor out the opinions of others if they unsettle us, and we forget about those wretched miscreants… even though they still exist, they still hold that opinion, and they still probably vote.

This personal choice that we make is resulting in a more polarized country, and even in a more polarized world. Listening to only those you agree with will never yield good reasons in the long run. Even if you’re correct now, given enough time under those conditions, no group can come out of a long period of isolation and still appear sane.

What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that most ideologies have cabin fever. They need to get out more, see the world, expand their awareness that which is familiar. And I don’t even mean literally; it would be enough to just virtually expand your horizons. You can connect with more people online than you ever could in person, anyway.

This brings me to individuality. I think this whole behavior may be linked to an increasing value being put on individuality. Everyone wants to be their own person, and I think that’s great, but it’s gone beyond the mere idea of being who you want to be.

Individuality has been taken to such great heights that it’s crossed into egotism for most of us. It’s not enough that we be our own person, we’re constantly told we have to love ourselves. Humility? What’s that? No, you have to know you’re awesome before you can ever truly love someone else… apparently.

Except, this hasn’t been my experience in life. People who live these values are actually full of themselves, and it’s borderline impossible to love someone who loves themselves. There just isn’t enough room in their heart for the rest of us.

I’m not advocating the idea of hating yourself, but remember how your parents told you that you’re special and that you can do anything if you set your mind to it? They were full of shit, you’re probably normal, and you’ll be lucky if you can just eke out a living while doing some of the things you’ve always dreamed. It will be hard work, and it will take more than a positive attitude to do these things; it will take hard work, practice, multiple failures, and a fair amount of paying your dues.

And the only thing you have in common with a snowflake is that you don’t amount to anything unless you’re part of a large group.

Friday, September 14, 2012

If I were Obama, this would be my to-do list after the election…

- call a press conference to end the drug war while smoking a joint
- use aid for Israel to erect a monument opposing Theocracy
- ban educational video games
- declare “bacon” the national food
- Michelle Obama
- kidnap George W. Bush in the night and fly him to the Hague for trial
- publicly burn a Confederate Flag
- pimp slap Pat Robertson
- audit Mitt Romney
- pull troops out of Afghanistan
- declare war on Texas
- use pilotless drones to spy on baby-making, instead of for baby-killing
- change the national motto to, “Chill the fuck out”
- grow a crunchy afro
- declare the national language to be “sarcasm”

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Random Thoughts, August and September 2012

If people need guns to protect our freedoms, why are there more guns and less freedom? I’ll remember to blame gun owners the next time I’m going through airport security.

What I find interesting about American Christians is that they love the idea of eating chicken in order to oppose gay rights. Meanwhile, the Salvation Army also opposes gay rights... and I don’t see lines around the block volunteering to help the poor.

I don’t understand why any woman would vote Republican. Wouldn’t it just be easier to stay home and punch yourself in the ovaries?

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lie, and famous quotes.

People seem to hate abstinence education, but I’m a child of that generation, and it was great. Do you have any idea how much anal sex I’ve had? I don’t get what everyone is complaining about…

Dear Conservatives,
If you think being on unemployment is such a great deal, quit your job and let someone else do it.
Every unemployed person in the country.

It must be insulting to be called a “legend.” It’s like saying, “Wow, your story is so old, I can’t believe you still exist.”

Republicans and Democrats have made voting in America kind of like getting mugged at gunpoint: “your money or your life.”

I think the conservative end-game strategy on Global Warming is to deny it until they can’t pretend any longer, and then blame it on gays and feminists.

When you’re a kid, it must seem silly that people drink or do drugs. Why would people ever need to escape, forget, or unwind? Then, you grow up... and it makes perfect sense.

I feel bad for people who have a degree in nutrition and who live in America. That is an invitation for a lifetime of losing battles... like getting a degree in statistics, also in America.

I genuinely feel bad for people who get easily offended. It honestly must be tough to go through life like that, and my deepest sympathies go out to these weak people. I don’t feel bad enough to change how I write or speak, but I would totally understand if these people wanted to kill themselves, and they have my blessing.

If you can’t joke about something, I can’t take your feelings on the matter seriously.

If gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married because the Bible is so against homosexuality, then maybe rich people shouldn’t be allowed to get married, either.

During the next closing ceremonies of the Olympics, I recommend you do something that I tried: Get one of those weekly dosage containers with little compartments for each day of the week. Then, prepare a seven course meal using Jelly Bellies and put each into one day in the pill container. Next, take two hits of acid, and listen to your favorite Beatles album until it kicks in. Then, open the days in order, consuming your Jelly Belly meal at your leisure. Spend the rest of your trip talking about how you accidentally put in a cinnamon because it looks like a lot of other red ones, but you don’t hate cinnamon, you just want to eat it when you know what it is. Muse about how no one likes coconut, banana or buttered popcorn, and then getting into a very emotionally invested debate with someone who thinks only banana and orange are gross. Orange? Are you fucking serious? Orange is not okay, but tangerine is? How do you even tell them apart? On second thought, you don’t have to wait for the next Olympics closing ceremony.

If you worry that you’re stupid, we have discovered the cure. What you do is, ingest every pill in your house, then wash it down with alcohol until you pass out. Problem solved.

If you set out to make people laugh, you must also learn to laugh at people who can’t take a joke.

The only people who are more clueless than Obama’s supporters are people who think Obama is the worst president ever. He’s about as mediocre as you can get. If he makes you really excited or really angry, there’s probably something really wrong with you.

Sometimes I wish Obama was everything the right-wing claims he is.

Okay, new plan: we all pool our money to send every extremist to some doomed nation, let’s say Somalia, and we tell them the winner of their little battle gets to rule the world. Then we kill the winner and we all live quietly.

I wonder if Obama is going to promise the same stuff he didn’t accomplish in his first term, or if he’ll come up with a new set of things he won’t do.

Never trust a religion that restricts who you can love more than it condemns atrocities like slavery and rape.

It’s not that hard to change. Just take a break from being critical of others and give yourself some “me time.”

I can’t get over the fact that Christians, Jews and Muslims worship a God who thought it was more important to tell them not to wear clothing made of different types of fiber than it was to teach people how to make medicine.

Everyone I know who goes out of their way to not offend anyone still manages to sometimes offend people. If that isn’t enough to make you wonder why they bother, consider that people who try never to offend always succeed in sounding like self-righteous cunts.

Social media has spoiled people and allowed them to dwell in an artificial environment of their own making where they are surrounded by people who only think as they do, while simultaneously allowing us to shut out all those who disagree, like some sort of isolated cult.

After I have children, I’m thinking of becoming a woman. I don’t really feel like a woman, and I will certainly miss my penis, but it might be worth it just to be able to tell some women what I really think of them without being seen as a misogynist. As a bonus, I would technically be gay-married to my wife, and I think it might be a lark to piss off Republicans with that.

Listening to what liberal women call Jan Brewer, Michele Bachmann, and Sarah Palin is amusing. It’s like hearing a devout Mormon say “Fuck,” while drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette.

I think if Jesus comes back, there will be a sex tape.

Experts have called me a medical anomaly, saying that there’s no reason I should still be alive. To that, I always say, “You’re a horrible therapist.”

I am not concerned with what the government is allowed to see. I care only that we be allowed to see what the government does. The answer to our problems is not a misguided belief in the “right” to privacy, but a complete abolition of it, from the top down.

Those who lose often console themselves in imagining they exhibited more honor than the winner. Faced with the choice of going for a ruthless win or an honorable defeat, it’s not that hard to decide... especially after one considers that history is written by the victors. There’s no shame in fighting dirty for a good cause.

I’ve heard many people say they wish their dog could talk. I don’t think I would care if my dog could talk, since I can understand him just fine. I wish that he could understand me, so he’ll get it when I say, “I don’t care if you saw a squirrel in the yard. In fact, just for future reference, I will never care about that.”

I shiver a little when an atheist uses a work of fiction to justify an emotional stance. Be it Ayn Rand, George Orwell, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov... whoever, I find it very odd that some people’s opinions seem to be based on events that took place in someone’s imagination.

Does anyone else find it odd that many Freethought Bloggers are supporting a band [Pussy Riot] whose name contains a word that would get you banned for using it there, and who were charged with verbal harassment... which will also get you banned from there?

“Respect” is bullshit. Fuck respect, give me honesty.

Some say respect should only be earned, while others say it can only be lost. I think it should be ignored.

I find it odd that women are so put off by men wanting to have sex with them. I don’t get put off when women assume I’m a big, dumb rapist just because I’m a man. I still want to have sex with them, anyway.

Atheists seem to think atheism has something to do with science, when it does not. Sure, I might find it difficult to locate an atheist who doesn’t value science, but I might just as easily say that atheism is a white movement, simply because I tend to only see atheists who are white. Atheism merely isn’t at odds with science.

Republicans don’t want small government, they just want the government elected by the people to have no power to stop the wealthy.

I find that people who are offended by me like me more after they’ve seen me offend someone they don’t like.

I find that conservatives love it when I criticize Obama, liberals applaud me for criticizing Romney, atheists like when I criticize religious people, and religious people enjoy it when I criticize atheists. It’s almost like no one cares who I am, only what I say... and that gives me hope. Maybe anyone, no matter who you are, can get ahead in life, so long as you say what is expected of you... it’s almost noble... almost.

I find that humor is a great learning tool for listeners. Sometimes a joke can teach you what can only be otherwise learned by daydreaming while someone else is talking.

Have you ever agreed with someone so dumb that it made you question your beliefs?

Why do we demand that our Presidential candidates release their tax information? Try Googling “Spiro Agnew.”

Only two things in life are certain: death, and complaints about taxes.

Republicans can see the “blessing” in rape, but they can’t see the good that the government has done...

There is no war on women. Republicans are just fighting an endless series of battles against women. It’s like how the “Vietnam War” was not technically a war.

Criticizing religion isn’t “hate.” Hate is, “Religious people should die,” not “Religion is wrong.”

Sometimes I think I can deal with the vulgar nature of the internet because I have a deep, inner calm that cannot be disturbed by outside forces. Other times, I wish some people would just die already.

New business idea: multivitamin for Buddhists, called “B1 with Everything.”

Thanks to some very militant feminists, I have some inkling (though only an inkling) of what it’s like being a black man, because I feel as though I am viewed as a threat by some women, simply for being who I am. I thank them for this lesson, and I don’t begrudge them or want to stop being a feminist myself over it.

Sometimes I walk into a room and think, “These look like perfectly pleasant, kindhearted people... I don’t belong here.”

I think it’s worth noting that some of the things I have written which I worried might offend people turned out to be very well liked, while a couple essays or statements I never would have dreamed would be controversial have ended up garnering death threats. Never censor yourself, because you have no idea what you’re holding back that others have been longing to hear. Even if you tip-toe around, you’ll still wake up some light-sleeping asshole who will want to crucify you.

Lyme disease isn’t real. It’s just a scare tactic of hat manufacturers.

I’ve come to that magical point in my life where I can’t remember the names of nearly any of the people I hated in the past. I remember their ugly faces... but their names draw a blank.

Romney and Ryan are trying desperately to reach out to female voters, and female voters have wisely responded by spraying them with mace and screaming “Fire!”

I tend to focus my political criticism on Republicans because it’s like mocking the popular jock at school. Making fun of the Democrats feels more like picking on the autistic kid who rubs his head against the wall. I don’t think either is a capable leader, but only one of them actually bothers me.

We don’t need to solve the obesity problem. There already is a solution: it’s called heart disease.

Blogging is like jerking off on camera. It’s pointless unless you’re being paid or you like knowing someone might one day see it.

The difference between Democrats and Republicans is about the role of government. Democrats believe the government should be able to tell anyone what they can or cannot do; Republicans think rich, straight, white men should be exempt.

Is it racist to ask if a non-black-and-white picture of Martin Luther King, Jr. has been colorized?

I’ve been battling drugs successfully for years. Me and drugs go into a room... only I walk out again.

My god is the Laugh, my religion is humor, and my prayers are jokes meant to inspire the presence of my deity in others.

Political correctness is a silly belief that blasphemy against some abstract god called “Other People” is wrong.

I think what pisses me off the most when people act offended is that deep down, they actually care about my opinion as little as I care about theirs, but they want to make a big show of seeming to be morally superior. Their virtue reeks of self-satisfaction.

I’m not even shocked anymore when I hear about a school shooting. The only thing that could occur in a classroom that would surprise me these days is learning.

Sometimes the brain only has the capacity for one set of ideas, and not another. Take, for example, the ethical part of the brain. Some people fill this up with economics. Then there’s the humor portion, where many people store political correctness. But most sad of all, perhaps, is that people jam victimhood where their confidence should be.

I’ll vote for Obama when he gets us out of Afghanistan, ends the war on drugs, and cuts our ties with Israel. You don’t need congress for any of those things, and he’s too chickenshit to do even one.

I will hand it to conservatives: they nominated the most moderate Republican candidate from a field of whackos. Out of a sea of schizophrenics and psychotics, they chose the one guy who was only bi-polar.

Some Obama supporters are so dumb, I don’t understand how they aren’t Republicans.

Sometimes, while living in the South, I put on a camo hat when I go out. You know, to blend in.

I’ve found that it’s not important whether you’re damaged or not, it’s important whether you’re the kind of person who picks up the pieces or just sits and cries about it.

When I was about 10, I argued with a friend of mine from Texas that Alaska was a bigger state than Texas. He refused to believe me. It was good practice for discussing politics as an adult.

I hate looking at the calendar, seeing what day it is, and realizing, “Yep, that milk I drank an hour ago from the carton was definitely expired.”

I love how jokes can both begin and end a friendship.

Should I honestly care that Romney will cut Medicare for seniors when it’s largely old people who are voting for him? It sounds like the yuppies are just trying to commit collective suicide, and frankly I’m inclined to let them.

Being liberal is great, except for all the other liberals.

Do not bother trying to win the hearts and minds of others. Only go for their hearts, because anyone with a mind will see through it.

I’m not sure which I like more: the fictional Obama created by Republicans, or the fictional Obama created by Democrats. They’re both so good... much better than the real one.

Every censor assures themselves that they are only silencing people or ideas that are not worth being heard, and no two censors ever completely agree.

As someone who has an inbox full of death threats, I tend to yawn when I see someone dramatically react to mean commenters or “cyber bullying.” I usually think, “Wow, someone just got the internet...”

Make fuck, not love.

If someone has offended you, it’s not because they lack compassion, it’s because you lack discipline.

My political views are very clear and very simple: I think that if you want to vote for Obama, you’re a fool, and if you want to vote for Romney, you’re mentally ill.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can take a joke, and those who can go fuck themselves.

Whether you’re the protagonist or the antagonist all depends on which side the observer stands.

If you try to be fair and take shots at everyone, you will be accused of singling out every specific group, affiliation, and individual.

I’ve been asked, “Why use harsh language?” Well, I’ve found that if I treat people gingerly, like they were delicate children, the people who would get offended by the words I use all end up getting upset about something I say, anyway... cause bitches gonna bitch.

Suppose I invent a word, like “cramcrot,” and I say, “You’re a cramcrot.” Should you be offended or flattered? Only I know the definition, so you would need to ask me what the word means in order to find out how you should have felt all along. I call this dilemma “Schrodinger’s Insult.” Hint... I didn’t call it “Schrodinger’s Compliment.”

Fools and liars hold the monopoly on certainty.

It’s a shame people can’t get plastic surgery to improve their personality.

They say certain words are hate speech. They also say “hate” is a strong word. Can’t we just call it strong language, since it’s not for weak people?

You ever have one of those dreams where you’re being hassled by police, and when you wake up, you’re in jail?

A censor deserves everything that is said to them.

Blocking someone on Facebook is the online equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and saying, “La la la, I’m not listening...”

Democrats say that not voting for Obama is essentially casting a vote for Mitt Romney. This is like Christians who think anyone who doesn’t love Jesus is actually worshiping Satan.

If you would like to end someone’s life, end your own.

When someone tells me that I should “study 7th grade civics,” I realize that I’m talking to someone who probably hasn’t learned anything about government or politics since the 7th grade.

Both parties run on fear. Republicans fear Muslims, gays, women, non-whites, and educators. Democrats fear Republicans.

I am starting to see Mitt Romney yard signs and bumper stickers. If Romney wins, most of those people probably won’t have yards or cars for the next election...

They say “the cream will rise to the top,” but society isn’t milk. No, America is more like a toilet: it’s the turds who float, unless you flush them away.

It’s 9/11, eleven years later. What have we learned? We’re still killing innocent people in the Middle East. We’re still sending billions of dollars every year to Israel to commit heinous war crimes. We’re still economically exploiting poor people around the world. So... what have we learned? Nothing.

I cannot change anyone’s opinions, but I can challenge them.

Both children and adults are always learning, but I prefer to learn like a child. Children learn new things, while adults learn new ways to justify what they already believe.

The first rule of cat ownership: anything you leave on a flat surface is liable to be puked on.

Even beyond the pettiness and naivety of censorship, it’s never a wise decision to tell someone they shouldn’t say something because it offends you. Only a fool writes out directions on how to hurt them.

It’s pretty clear who incited the violence that caused the Libyan Ambassador’s death, so let’s bring the culprits to justice. Lock up Marilyn Manson and ban all video games!

I’m sick of people saying you can’t scream fire in a crowded theater when there isn’t a fire. If that’s true, what the hell is a fire drill?

If you told everyone that you can’t make jokes about having sex with frogs, the internet would be full of frog-fucking jokes by the end of the day, and every stand-up comic in the nation would have a frog-fucking joke in their act within a year.

Sometimes I just sit around and feel bad for people from Alabama.

Weekly Horoscope, 9/13/12

Aries – you’re going to try something new, and you won’t like it

Taurus – watch out for the corners of tables

Gemini – see a doctor about that thing you look at in the mirror after showering

Cancer – just sleep late this weekend

Leo – don’t pass anyone on the way to work tomorrow

Virgo – a large, unforeseen expense is coming

Libra – why don’t you call your mother?

Scorpio – you’re going to be out and realize you forgot something at home

Sagittarius – just let go already

Capricorn – one of your favorite TV shows will be cancelled

Aquarius – don’t dye your hair this week

Pisces – you should sleep facing your left