Top Ten Things I Assume Are True of Mitt Romney... Until We See His Tax Returns

10. All the money lost by Bernie Madoff? Romney has it.
9. He donated $1.2 million to Al Qaeda
8. He “forgot” to pay taxes in 2008 after losing to McCain
7. His residence is officially located in Zurich, Switzerland
6. His college loans are still not paid off
5. He runs a charity, “O Sea D,” which helps obsessive-compulsive yacht owners acquire an extra vessel so that they have an even number
4. His wife is a five-child welfare queen
3. He qualified for a special “rapist exemption”
2. He has been taking deductions for his other wives
1. He is “El Chupa Cabra,” a notorious Columbian cocaine lord

Top Ten Actors Who Could Play Me In a Movie

10. Jonah Hill (the fat version)
9. Philip Seymour Hoffman
8. He’s not an actor, but Peter Jackson
7. Daniel Stern (the tall robber in “Home Alone”)
6. Andy Serkis (using CGI)
5. John C. Reilly
4. Rainn Wilson (Dwight on “The Office”)
3. Meryl Streep
2. Zach Galifianakis
1. Seth Rogan

Top Ten Questions I Have for Mitt Romney

10. Ça va?
9. How young are your other wives?
8. What’s your favorite beer?
7. What’s your preferred finishing sex position?
6. How did you lose your virginity?
5. Where is Kolob?
4. Do you really think Republicans would nominate a Latino?
3. Which part of a pizza would you be? (I bet it’s the crust)
2. Would you rather fight a lion or a shark?
1. Are you an asshole?

Top Ten: Worst Flirtation Lines

10. My father is very important.
9. Have you ever eaten alligator meat?
8. What happened to your face?
7. Do you believe in divorce?
6. I respect the bravery it took to wear that.
5. Do you like Ayn Rand?
4. So, are we doing this thing or…
3. Do you cut your own hair?
2. Boy these walls are thick, I bet they’re sound proof.
1. I can fit my fist in my mouth, can you? * shove your fist into their mouth*