Top Ten Things I Assume Are True of Mitt Romney... Until We See His Tax Returns

10. All the money lost by Bernie Madoff? Romney has it.
9. He donated $1.2 million to Al Qaeda
8. He “forgot” to pay taxes in 2008 after losing to McCain
7. His residence is officially located in Zurich, Switzerland
6. His college loans are still not paid off
5. He runs a charity, “O Sea D,” which helps obsessive-compulsive yacht owners acquire an extra vessel so that they have an even number
4. His wife is a five-child welfare queen
3. He qualified for a special “rapist exemption”
2. He has been taking deductions for his other wives
1. He is “El Chupa Cabra,” a notorious Columbian cocaine lord