Saturday, April 13, 2013

A Small Collection of Rape Observations

I don’t think they should teach sex ed in schools. Kids should learn like I did: from their uncle, out behind the shed, during “Don’t tell mommy and daddy” time. Technically, that was a molestation joke, not a rape joke.

I think I’m going to start calling date rape “white-collar rape.” It just seems like a white-collar crime. After all, it statistically hurts more people, but is less often reported and prosecuted.

I don’t get the term “gang raped.” Does it have to be a gang? Why not “mob raped” or “Klan raped”?

This isn’t a joke, this is true. I Googled “rape jokes” and I swear, one of the things Google asked was, “Did you mean ‘black jokes?’” Jesus, Google... Jesus...

I think we should call babies born from rape “rabies.”

I don’t get why statutory rape is illegal. I mean... it’s just a statue, right?

Just to be clear… rape jokes are never funny… unless they relate to Catholic priests, prison, Michael Jackson, or Jerry Sandusky. Basically, when men or boys are victims, THEN it’s okay.

How would “teaching men not to rape” work? “Okay guys, don’t put drugs in a woman’s drink. Things like Ativan, Valium, Rohypnol, GHB, Ambien, or Ketamine could make a woman totally unable to fight you.” Yeah, I’m sure that will help...

Some people hate me for making jokes about God, other people hate me for making jokes about rape. I had no idea there were people who worshiped rape.

You know what I find odd? People who hate rape jokes LOVE telling me how they fantasize about me and every female family member I have being raped. Kind of suspicious, if you ask me... something you want to admit, folks?

Some people don’t believe there is such a thing as a rape joke. I guess they just believe in “she was asking for it” jokes.

I had a friend who was raped by the town mayor. She’s fine with rape jokes, but jokes about politicians make her very upset.

What if your daughter, or your sister, or your mother told a rape joke? Would it be funny then, huh? HUH? BIG MAN?!

Is it still rape if they’re dead? I mean... they can’t consent, but it’s not like they’re going to be traumatized...

It’s never okay to tell someone you hope they get raped, unless they tell a rape joke. Then clearly they were asking for it, am I right?

I think the term “gang rape” is kind of racist. It could just as easily be “country club raped.”

If you’ve been raped, is it okay to tell rape jokes? Like how black people can say nigger and wives can tell their husbands to go make them a sandwich or they’ll punch them in the mouth?

If you get hit while being raped on a railroad track by just one person, is it wrong to say they ran a train on you?

In a way, rape jokes are just modern slapstick comedy. It’s all laughing at someone’s pain.

All rape is tough to go through, but I think the worst person to be raped by would be Dr. Seuss. It’s bad enough you’re getting raped, but the rhymes...
“Would you could you with a lass?
Would you could you up the ass?”

I’m working on a course for teaching men not to rape. I even have a quiz for the end which has only one question: “Is it okay to rape someone?” If they answer “yes,” then they have to repeat the course. Fool proof...

If you’re so afraid of getting raped, then go about getting yourself infected with AIDS. Then, you’ll have the last laugh.

I actually had someone accuse me of having a small penis because I was making rape jokes. I’m just making rape jokes... it’s not like I own a gun or drive an SUV.

If you think rape jokes are misogynistic, then you’re probably sexist for thinking rape is a female issue.

Here’s the thing about all the people wishing I would get raped: it’s not rape if I thrust back into it. I am rape proof, bitches.

If you don’t think rape can be funny, clearly you’re never seen a dog humping a turtle.

If abortion is outlawed except in cases of rape, I imagine the number of reported rapes will skyrocket.

Kids today are so lazy. You used to have to hold someone down to rape them, but this generation just drugs people and they lie there unconscious, with no struggle at all. Kids today never want to work for it.

You know who would make a great rapist? Stephen Hawking, because no one would believe you if he raped you.

Just because you dress a certain way doesn’t mean you’re asking to get raped, and just because I joke about rape doesn’t mean I’m a rapist. The fact that I rape people makes me a rapist.

Rape is not a joke. It’s many, many jokes. You can’t boil it down to just one.

Nothing reveals who your true friends are like some bad rape jokes.

Maybe this whole month should be dedicated to rape jokes. “Rapril.”

It’s okay for me to make fun of creepy rapists. I own a van.

No one likes rape jokes... unless you’re a non-Catholic and it’s altar boys being raped. Then it’s hysterical.

I don’t get why people are uptight about rape jokes. I make fun of everything I dislike.

I once saved a girl from being raped. When she passed out from drinking, I just left her there.

I want to keep telling rape jokes, but I don’t want them to seem forced...

When you make rape jokes, people tell you they hope you get raped. Why is it that when I make fun of the president, no one tells me they hope I become president?

People say chivalry is dead, but look at the rise in date rape. In the past, no one thought to wine and dine you before they held you down and forced themselves upon you. That’s progress right there.

Are rape whistles like dog whistles, because I can hear them and I’ve never raped anyone...

I was feeling down and I called a rape advice hotline the other day. Did you know those things are only for helping victims? How unfair...

I don’t get why rape jokes get more bad press than rapes do.

Make no mistake about it: I oppose all forms of rape, unless it’s in self defense.

This isn’t so much a rape joke as a rape observation. People say rape isn’t about sex or attraction, but explain this: why has every really hot girl I ever dated been raped, but none of the plain or ugly ones were? I’m just saying... if you’ve been raped, maybe take it as a compliment (then call the police, though good luck getting them to care).

Well… that was like multiple rapes in a parking garage: wrong on so many levels.

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